I write when I need ….

I write when I need to clear space
More often lately I haven’t needed to do this, I do think it’s important to keep everyone updated on where I’m at as I have waves of should I share or shouldn’t I, am I needy of this or should I just get it out and just do what I think is right.
So ironing this morning I normally have music to distract me or a pod cast to listen to I didn’t have anything I just had the thoughts in my head.
I realised I don’t give myself time to do this normally as it would be not healthy at one stage if my life to let these thoughts just go awol, now though I find it constructive if anything.
I think of things that just randomly pop in and I make note of what has to be done.
I’m really pleased with life at present, I’m enjoying the time off my normal schedule with spending time with my kiddies and family.
I’m constantly learning new things about the business so my brain is happy with new things.
Christmas wasn’t easy, it is hard at times being in the space where there are memories of the last moments of being with my Dad. There are constant reminders of him which makes me smile, pesky cockatoos tapping on the glass door to be fed random times of the day. The water where he spent a great deal of his time fishing. His presence is felt everywhere especially with Russell & Chester.
I feel for Mum as well, I am not as bright and bubbly as my siblings so I try to not get too sad.
I’m not the only one though going through this, there are so many others with this moment of hardship and the first moments are the hardest, it does get easier over time, you know that they would want you to be happy so there is that thought that makes you smile when you buy those cherries as memories of what you grew up with makes them taste better.
Memories!!! are so important it’s remembering the moments of growing up being with the person who moulded you to who you are today that remains forever in your heart.
It’s when I butter a piece of bread and spread it as thick as cheese I think of him.
It’s having habits that I have picked up over the years that I know he is still part of me.
So with tears rolling down my face now as I know I have unlocked a vault for a moment, I smile as I love that he is still with me that I still see him in others in myself and I know he would be proud of all of us at where we are in this crazy time of our life’s.
So, enjoy every moment don’t overthink what you need to be doing, relax – breathe – smile, be content as I am, listen to others and just be.
So maybe this is why I don’t write as often, as I seem to dive into a place within that I keep closed.
Breathe …. yes, feeling better maybe lighter for sure.
May this new year be easier for others, that you look at challengers as a positive.
I know things are brighter for others, that by starting to get out and get the endorphins pumping will make life that bit better.
Until next time ….

Well today

Well today ….
Is the day that I have completed my Neurofeedback sessions, it has taken 22 months from the time I started February 2019 to now with weekly, fortnightly, to monthly appointments.
I hope by sharing this journey that I give others hope that depression/anxiety isn’t untreatable that you can live with this illness, with hard work and determination.
What can I say I’m so grateful of where I’m at, to where I was and am feeling pretty chuffed with myself.
I can go back once every 3 months to make sure I’m still all good, and this is nice to know.
It’s called life changes not just a faze and daily dedication to making sure I’m using my tools.
So still on my medication daily, having supplements, using my headspace app with daily medication, not having any gluten in my diet and reducing some dairy.
Exercising regularly either slow jog or now gym which recently joined.
Good sleep of a night time with the aide of liquid melatonin. Using night mode on phone after 7 pm.
So what I have achieved with the completion of my Neurofeedback is created new neuropaths that can work more efficiently from the frontal brain lobe.
Basically retrained my brain to get off old pathways with habits and onto the newly created pathways.
Personally I have really seen the differences in what I can do.
I’m back doing payroll which I love, I’m up for a challenge and just determined to do my best always.
So, yes there are days that I still can feel a bit off and that is okay as we have to have the feelings of low to appreciate the feelings of high.
The high definitely out weighs the low and I’m learning everyday to be appreciative of this.
The beauty of the brain is it can only get better, myself as proof as I went back today from last month and it had improved from the last session.
So keep searching for what is right for you, I fell upon this by simply asking a question.
Would this benefit me …

It’s worth it

Today I’m struggling with my headspace
There are always little signs that I have to watch out for and I am aware.
Like this week I have been feeling good so I exercise more then normal, it’s the fine line of knowing your boundaries and limitations which you don’t have until you go over them.
I get emotional without knowing why, and start tearing up – when normally I’m good and can handle things pretty well.
And my taste is out of whack and I can’t seem to eat or drink what I normally do.
My tummy is churning and my head ache is rearing it’s ugly head again.
So I am concerned a little that I’m out of whack and I am frightened that I could be loosing some control.
I guess the good thing is I am aware and I can put my tools into place.
I have my Neurofeedback session this week which will be good to check in with my psychologist as I’m down to monthly sessions which is a big deal for me.
I know others can read this and think I’m after attention, it’s not that for me it’s about being real with how this illness can effect you and how it lyes dormant within you then can appear at anytime without you acknowledging this.
That’s why I share this as for me it’s about being real with what is really going on in the inside as we do look so normal from the outside.
I take medication daily for my depression as well as a lot of Vitamin B’s, Silver, Iron, Zinc and Magnesium – you have to find what is the right fit for you as everyone is different.
I don’t have gluten as this can give me the same effects if I was feeling depressed.
It’s a lifestyle change and it’s finding the balance of what works.
I’ve learnt to be mindful of using blue tooth devices that I’m quite sensitive.
I make sure I have good sleep as well.
So this morning, even though I have slept from 1030 to 8 am I woke up feeling hungover, which sucks as I don’t drink alcohol.
It’s concerning as we keep hearing about suicide among our young adults.
Let me stress the mind is so powerful, we are still in the unknown and I know how smart it can control us and how quickly it can bring you down.
Sharing this has helped me get what is inside and feel less heavy, I’m actually feeling better.
It’s Sunday and I’m still feeling groggy definitely better then last night.
I lost control to a degree the pain took over, I tried everything not to let it control my time it gets to a point that you try anything, listening to a podcast, sleeping – didn’t really work, I ended up having my Leo cat lay next to me I just tried to distract my brain as much as I could.
I’m not proud of having pain medication, I don’t like that I can’t be my full potential when they hit and I still don’t know what causes them.
This is the first time since Sunday where I have had a moment to just be, I love these moments and feel lucky for them.
I have just had my monthly visit of Neurofeedback and I’m happy to say that I only have one appointment left this year and then I have completed my sessions.
I can come back for a top up next year if required, pretty much this is my achievement.
My grey is doing well this week has been some really positive changes, smiling more, actively attending outings socially and exercising more.
I’m so proud and feel that we have finally achieved some happiness which has been a struggle.
Never give up finding the fit for everyone that needs this, it is so worth the smile I am getting at times the effort you put in.
I still have been getting my headaches so had a chat today with my psychologist I haven’t been meditating or doing yoga.
It’s funny how your mind just doesn’t act like it needs these tools and I feel that I need to experiment with getting back into these processes to see if they will reduce my headaches which are normally caused by stresses or controls that are out of my control.
So I do get emotional still uploading these thoughts, happy tears really if anything.
We are all feeling weary coming towards the end of this year, it’s been a lot to process this pandemic. Not being alone is one good thing, that we are all going through this and we can openly talk about our worries and concerns – yes the stigma is reducing, I still get the nervous shiver when I talk about depression, it’s hard not to – I just want to be real with the emotions that are still there, you see we need to communicate this through to our kiddies that they are not alone as this is effecting them more so this year with the lack of face to face interaction.

Excited for the future

Excited for the future
Never give up on your dreams of creating a better future for your love ones.
It’s taken most of this year and we have learnt so much and appreciate what small businesses have to go through in getting up and running.
It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs and I truly believe from the moment I drove past and saw that sign that I knew deep down this was meant to be, you get the gut feeling of what you envision and you set your mind to working towards that goal.
I’m super proud and grateful of what has been built up to support local businesses as well, we can all help each other.
Personally it’s also about teaching our kids the life skills of what’s involved running a business.
So it’s been crazy and scary, excited and thrilling at the same time.
So back to me with my headspace, I had my Neurofeedback appointment for the month this week. So impressed to know that my brain has not altered from the last monthly session if anything it’s improved and when I had my training it was hitting levels that are better then ever.
So !!! I’m 45 no young chick – I just want you to know the sky is the limit that your brain is ever evolving we can change it by getting into healthy patterns with good life styles and believe me I put this to the test with normal everyday stresses of looking after my grey.
It’s so important for me to share where I’m at, if in doubt never stop searching for what is the right fit as we are all so different.
Today is my Dad’s Henry birthday, he isn’t with us anymore I see him a lot though and I know he is still a huge part of me and will never stop living within me.
I’m ever so grateful for the childhood I had and I still get teary with these words coming out, I know that he would be proud of me and for who I am, his heart still lives in all of us, deep breathes as my true sadness of loss is rising from down in the depths of hidden emotions.
Breathing out I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad for him as he wasn’t this at all, very rare to be honest to see this from him. He loved life, being near the water with a fishing rod and chatting to random people he was very social. Very soft spoken as well…. anyhow enough with the tears the moment was there and now passed.
I just think it’s important to remember these moments, I don’t mind sharing my inner thoughts …. it’s how I have got through to where I am today and sharing is caring right?

Sometimes

Sometimes….
I write to get the thoughts out, I’m excited to say that we are nearly business owners, it’s been a slog so worth the outcome though, pretty much taken 8.5 months.
What can I say, never give up on your dreams, the desire to have a better life to be there for our children, it’s so worth it.
You appreciate the win more as well as you never give up and it’s a roller coaster !!
I’ve started running of a morning, well just because I can and at times I’m still half asleep and Rosie my running partner needs this for her happiness and well being as well.
So it’s the year of the firsts for a lot some of us and doing things just because well why not and I guess Covid has taught us that it is the unknown.
I can say I am happy with what I’ve achieved and I’m proud of where I’m at.
If you get a chance watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix it’s a real concern when you see the designers of these big apps advising the dangers of our devices and programs our kids are getting addicted to.
You can see how they are loosing the concept to socialise face to face and how our brains are not wired this way and what it is causing… basically we are controlled not us controlling !!! It’s scary – so the first step is to turn notifications off.
We just need to get out and be in open air, team sport is really good and just talk as much as possible.
We need to all help each other stop being controlled by devices and be there for the ones that are right in front of us.
I’ll stop raving now, just be kind to yourself as we personally can only do our best with the situation and it’s limitations.
Things have changed for us, for me personally I just want others to witness events that this is not okay and if you see something and it doesn’t look or feel right use your voice to be heard as you know others don’t know what is underneath the barriers of laughter the real sadness and difficult concept of what happiness is and how a real struggle life really is – to be honest I’m still mad I guess I always knew that this could happen you just don’t want it to be real.
It’s changed the perception of what was friendship and the realness of cruelty has reared it’s ugly head.
For all I know this has been going on for a long time and become normal which is scary and it makes me sick.
It comes in different forms, and it means different things to others on how it is perceived.
Just be the eyes for others and don’t be afraid to act.
I thought I was over it, the shaking and tears of frustration are still there when I think about the situation.
Just put yourself in the persons shoes, if that was someone doing the same how would you act??
True colours I’m sad to say are shining through, just nothing ….

The Best Week

The Best Week
In a long time this is the best I have felt, so it’s not all doom and gloom it’s about being real with this life and sharing the both emotions or the strongest at times.
Just got back from my Sunday morning run with Rosie with layers this morning purple beanie and sunnies yes it’s a combo.
So my week just gone, can I say just flowed and I’m excited to say no pain!!!
Everything was achievable and I feel like I’m starting to come back to me again.
Got to be honest though, I don’t want to get my hopes up and have in the back of my mind to not get to comfy with this.
I’m proud of the effort it has taken to get my grey one out of despair, still a long way to go and there will be times that will be testing.
Just always go with your gut and search for what is the right fit for everyone.
It’s so worth seeing the light coming through when it does, and I’m ever so proud and feel like a weight has lifted from me.
It turns out my Chiro has found I’m hoping what has been triggering my leaky gut/stress and since my last visit am feeling really good.
So as I’m writing I’m listening to music, those who know me well know that music has been what I have loved since my early teens and The Cure is still one of the bands that I love, haven’t been able to listen to it as freely as I want as I have to be careful as it can go from happy lyrics to sad.
I’m truly grateful for all the live music events I went to growing up and feel for others that aren’t getting to experience these at the moment.
It’s sad to see an end of Big Day Outs they were the best and have so many cool memories and wild moments with my siblings.
I’m excited though to take my kids to live music shows when we can, that’s if they will let me as I’m so not cool.
Anyhow, fun fact the first band I saw ever was Daryl Braithwaite in Newcastle when I was in High School. With B, J and I think R was with us as well. We stayed overnight, was such a great introduction to live music.
So I’m 45 and last time my last line was Grey is my new black.
Well …. that is exactly that, I have dyed my hair since High School so I’m interested to see now what colour I am naturally and I’m grey with black streaks.
Nothing is more empowering then this, the time is now more so then ever. Covid makes you appreciate where we are, that getting back to basics, being happy with the simple things as we are in the unknown not knowing what will be happening and hoping for a cure for what this is doing to so many, it’s sad.
So enjoy the now, appreciate the little things, time is just going so quick, just do the best as you can.

Never Give Up

Rosie – My Running Partner

Never give up
I’ve just been for my Sunday run, it was hard work in the wind – it’s my first run for the week as I’ve been off.
When I say off, I know now these days when I’m not right I listen more to my body then I ever have.
Whether it’s the current Covid situation we are all heightened that’s what makes this okay, you aren’t alone it does cause some who are prone to anxiety to be more then normal and our stress levels can cause our brains to leak chemicals that can cause leaky gut which infections are easily caused due to the imbalance which can lead to painful headaches.
Hence this happens to me at the moment quite a lot the frustration is real I hate not being capable or of being full potential and I’m reaching more then normal for heavier pain medication. As I’m so over this and would rather be numb.
When this happens if I don’t hit the headache right at the beginning it seems to escalate, so not being a hero I take the tablet to take this frustration away.
Anyhow nearly finished I knew I had an infection and I had my Chiro appointment with Ang which confirmed I was right, it wasn’t a gluten breach it was an infection.
So listen to your body especially now as our brains are in the unknown especially our kids for they feel this as well.
Enough on me let’s just say I’m so proud, it hasn’t been easy for our children especially now.
Keep pushing for sports as much as you can the natural endorphins will do so much for their happiness.
Team sports is really important as we really need that face to face interaction.
At times I give explanations of how to face situations what I was like as a teenager.
Never underestimate the power of your voice, we need to talk more to our kids as they will listen we just need to get them out of their phones.
Basic stuff like talk to people if you have something to say, not text. As it’s the unknown that causes issues.
The happiness I have seen from just owning something is so worth it.
So it’s a constant battle with ourselves in are we doing enough, we just have to realise we can only do our best with each situation and treat someone how we ourselves want to be treated.
So, take care – just my inner thoughts on where I’m at.
Grey is the new Black

Writing is something

Writing is something –
that after my last downward spiral which seems so long ago hasn’t come or doesn’t seem to be needed, I’ve put my walls up a bit as I struggle with the current climate of this virus and headspace in my mind is still important don’t get me wrong I just struggle with the insignificance to share what I’m going through and it takes more inner strength to do this, I don’t know why as I know I’ve got nothing to hide as I’ve been real from the get go.
I guess it’s that inner battle of poor me crap and I don’t want others to think that’s why I do this.
So life is good, I’m feeling very lucky for where we live and love my environment. Work/Life/Balance.
I’m listening to my body all the time and taking the time to rest when it tells me.
I’m trying not to go within myself so much and speak what is on my mind.
My Neurofeedback sessions have now been reduced to once a month which is a huge achievement, it is so worth the time and effort into not giving up on yourself and pushing through the hard times.
I still take my medication for anti depressants it’s part of me and I’m okay with this, if a little tablet can keep my seratonin levels balanced then so be it.
I’ve realised and this is powerful, my depression is part of me and it’s moulded me to the person I am today. I’m not ashamed of this I know things happen for a reason and if I hadn’t gone through this I wouldn’t see what is in front of my very eyes.
So I’ve been on my run with my Rosie and am zoning into my Music while the words escape my mind, it does feel good to get them out I can feel my shoulders release from the current tension that is currently held.
Truth, running is hard work for me and it doesn’t come natural – the endorphins I receive from this workout is so worth the effort to get out the door as it keeps me sane.
So I’ve rambled enough, just checking in – the beauty of a blog or posting there is no pressure, you can do this whenever your heart desires there is no-one dependent on you to get it exactly right.
Stay save beautiful ones and honestly just do your best with this current situation we can all share and communicate in our own ways don’t assume.
Until next time x

Me Time

I’m having some me time ….
This is where I just let my head space just flow and it feels great !! So an update I had my second Neurofeedback session since Covid and since my last set back where I overfilled my bucket I have really struggled to get back to a place where I was and after chatting to my psychologist what I have been feeling makes sense as I have been feeling like I’ve been inside myself lately just being detached from the reality of life it’s because I’m scared that I’m going to end up in that space of loosing control as to be honest I don’t know how I got there and when it started to spiral it happened really quickly and it made me realise that even though you can’t see anything from the outside and that I hadn’t really picked up on the triggers my lovely depression was still there which has made me more aware to listen to my body more and not try and be a super person as it always catches up with me.
So I’m standing at the edge of a pool as such and just testing the water to see if I will get in or will I just stay in the safe zone and not go there.
So as I chatted about my feelings the emotion that I know I’m in tune with exactly why I’m feeling this way, the shivering in my chest to confirm I was on the right track was right on queue.
It really helps to talk to someone that you are close with to confirm these feelings it just makes you feel so much better.
As I reckon another reason I haven’t been writing is this as well I’m not sure what tipped me before so I’m treading very carefully not to loose my own self which means everything is not really getting looked at or attempted the only two things that really are being done is my work and home activities as I feel they are safe and not going to cause me to fall again.
The good thing is that I bounced back within two days which is awesome, I can’t really describe what it was like now it’s like you forget the feelings until they come back. It’s like a headache as soon as the pain has gone you forget it.
So I’m feeling great with where I’m at within myself I have a plan and I’m just going to do things that I can manage.
10 days onwards …..
I’m still at this stage where I’m cautious to not get to over the top with anything in my life, it’s like I’m glancing from afar just to make sure I don’t fall into bad habits or motions of where I was as I think at times I wasn’t my self and looking back it scares me to be that way as I don’t want to be that person of who I’m not.
I’m hesitant to do anything with full force, not to overdo my running/ my yoga/ my writing/ my skincare posts/ my social outings/ anything that could contribute to me loosing control basically.
I’m okay with this …. I know I’m not alone with these silent battles of what if, I know that I have close ones that have the same but different moments where they struggle with where did this come from. I thought I overcame you, so you are in there somewhere hidden just waiting for the chance of slipping out when that moment of darkness escapes momentarily taking your breathe away, those moments of scariness as the next wave approaches not knowing if you can stay on top or if you get dumped by the force of being sucked down into the place where you forget about as soon as your back on top.
Very smart …. and very sneaky.

I’m always wondering

I’m always wondering am I doing enough, I should realise that things aren’t going to change that it is what it is. I still get emotional and I shouldn’t as I know that everyone is different that things aren’t going to change.
Why is it though that I have to hear it from someone else to believe the situation.
I question myself ….
I’m not coping with life I find I’m comparing others to mine and it hurts.
The wondering that I should be doing more.
Getting these emotions out is making me feel better, today I’m determined to do my best.
As you know me it’s about being real and helping others, I can’t lie I still have hope each day that today will be different accepting that it’s not going to change is the hardest I don’t know why I get so emotional. I guess it’s because I know the feeling of loosing yourself and how scary that feeling is I just want to do everything and feel that I’m doing nothing.
As a parent it’s hard to know we are doing everything, I feel like I’m always searching for the right fit and at times I see the brightness in there then it disappears I’m sad that I’m loosing this inner battle to make life normal it makes me feel crap.
I’m determined, no we are determined to do what is right in making life easier with never giving up on searching for what will be the right fit.
We know now that everyone has there own special quirks it’s what makes us unique in this life of ever changing challenges.
I want to show others not to give up on what can seem so hard, that everyone has their own personal battles whether we share them or not it’s totally up to ourselves.
Yes, I share – it’s my inner thoughts just getting out of my head space trying to determine my next move.
I have done my run this morning which always gives me a bounce in my step.
Lately if I feel flat during the day I meditate for a few minutes, it really helps to just reset my goals in what I want to achieve.
Music is my go to and I love zoning out to this and getting things done.
I have been really careful not overdoing things since my last little setback, I’m listening to my body more, going to bed each night at the same time as sleep is what really helps you to function.
We make sure our electronics are all in our room out of everyone’s reach as well as internet so creates healthy habits.
It’s a constant battle getting us to be in the one room, simple things are forever challenging.
We are lucky though, we are safe, have good jobs and live in a great neighbourhood with wonderful friends.
So even though it can seem like there is darkness I am forever grateful for where I am in life and have no regrets for anything that I have been through as I know that it makes for a amazing life.
It’s like you have to hit rock bottom to appreciate the great feeling you get when you are good.
So take the time to smell the roses, as time is going by ever so quickly.