We are in the unknown

All of us that is, so the air is heavy at the moment as we process the reality of this situation.
Our minds are all in overload, personally I’m one of the lucky ones at the moment that still has work and can work from home.
So I don’t tend to write as much lately as it obviously is my therapy and I haven’t really needed to upload my inner thoughts.
The beauty of writing is you can do it anywhere and for me it does work.
My head space is precious at this point with the changes big changes that we have had to go through this last week.
Normality and control have been forced upon us and we are not used to this, social distancing anywhere is very awkward our normal friendliness towards others is on guard as we are all fending with looking after the health of each other and our most vulnerable. So it isn’t easy going about doing normal day to day functions.
The pressure of all these changes has effected my normally happy life, so my tools of getting by go out the window and I kept using all my nervous energy up till I had none.
Let me explain how the brain works regarding our stress levels, as doing Neurofeedback for the last year I have learnt a lot about the brain and how it controls us.
So an example for me was on Monday just gone, typical work day I have payroll so I’m already in high focus mode and concentration and remaining on task is what has to happen, as there are time frames of getting this done.
So with this Cov-9 everything is changing it’s hard to remain on task and I can feel pressure building up already in my head space, my flow of normality keeps getting interrupted, so my mind is doing overtime to keep on task.
This would be happening to everyone, not just me, we are all in the unknown at present waiting on edge for another announcement of what control is going to be forced upon us.
We have to remember that we are all precious with our minds, that everyone will be on fight/flight mode which is something that we try and not be all the time as it is exhausting. Our brains will be wanting more to cope with this as we are using more of its resources as it is the unknown with what we are going through. This is really important that we check up and don’t assume on our close family and friends, especially those that are by themselves or just gone through some major life changes as these are the ones that need support and would be feeling alone.
We need to keep talking to our children, keep explaining what is happening so they aren’t stressing from what they can see in their parents.
We have to just take one day at a time and not overthink, this is something that hasn’t happened in a 100 years, it’s massive.
Be kind to one another and look at communicating as much as possible, hearing loved ones voices, using Skype/FaceTime/Zoom to take the time to reach out, physically we are contained we have technology that can help us.
If you don’t feel yourself, talk to a loved one, these are times that you can’t be complacent with I will be alright, your mind is powerful it’s normal happy place is being compromised with added stresses the normality of routines has changed so we would all be going through this, picture your brain the front part of this is in your forehead this is the part where commonsense happens at the back part where the base of your neck the bottom of your skull is the stress part, so normally you would have to pass the stress part of brain to get to normal commonsense processing part, when you are going through a stressful time this is why our commonsense doesn’t click in at times as it has to come a lot further to the frontal part of our brain and that needs more juices to do this.
That’s why it’s important to have tools in place to assist you, so then you can have these in preparation for what is to come.
My tools will be mediation, my oils (thank you all my oily friends) exercise either running Rosie or yoga.
So I am starting to feel better getting this out of my head, I can hear rain outside which is always a great sound, nature at its best reminding us of its beauty.
Look, I’m no expert with this mind thing, I’m just sharing what is happening with me and hoping this helps, it’s not a poor me story it’s processing the unknown of what lies ahead, it’s just letting others know that you are not alone and to reach out, especially now more then ever.
That we all need to be kind to one another and keep talking to each other, don’t assume that this person is okay, just ring them and hear their voices, that’s really powerful to hear someone’s voice, it means you care it’s personal.
Now more then ever our minds are going into overdrive using excess resources to cope with the unknown, we need to remember this, to breathe to talk about this, don’t be afraid to admit you don’t feel right.
Especially our children, keep them informed, let them know it’s okay to be feeling all these forms of mixed emotions, that they are not alone, they are loved.

I’m not going to lie


Wednesday 11 March 2020
It hasn’t been an easy few days, gluten breaches for me are real, the pain is real.
At the time of me risking the breach I was like I’ll be fine, you see you forget about pain as soon as you don’t have it.
So it’s day three, I still have the pain on my right hand side, it’s definitely improving as I didn’t wake during the night.
I can just feel the slight throb now on the right hand side.
My jaws are fine, they have settled so I feel like I’m coming off this.
I try not to let this take over my life when this occurs, yesterday I was determined to just keep pushing through.
I had asprin to reduce the pressure that seemed to work and I drank water as much as I could.
It only takes a crumb of flour these days to set me off, it seems to hit me worse each time.
I communicate that I’m struggling to my family so they know I’m precious, I just keep moving trying not to dwell on poor me crap.
As I know deep down this is temporary and it’s just a matter of time before this uncomfortable feeling will move on.
So while I’m here uploading my inner thoughts, my fortnightly sessions of Neurofeedback are going great, if anything my brain is loving the challenges that the Carnival is bringing. That’s why it’s so important to me to share how amazing and life changing Neurofeedback is, I’m 45 years old and my brain is like refurbished and I am thriving on what I can do with it.
From where I was to where I am is just amazing, I feel so fortunate to have had this opportunity and know that this has helped me overcome depression.
Yes I feel pain, that’s real it’s different though, I know it’s temporary when your depressed or have anxiety this can hit you like a wave when you don’t know it’s coming.
That is the scary part, you can be fine, feeling great then just like that you are struggling to breathe you are loosing yourself to the unknown of what is going on, you think your going crazy as the mind is powerful and it changes from wave to wave, you loose yourself to the despair of can I get out of this.
Until you have been in this space, it’s hard to explain to others what your going through.
It’s about setting yourself tiny goals, like okay let’s just get out of bed.
Triggers are what can start the downward spiral, you have to work out what these are, and face them, overcome them.
It’s not easy, so worth it though to achieve these goals, I know that I’m here to show others that you can overcome these moments, don’t give up, it’s temporary, that it’s okay to feel crappy that this is normal, life is about challenges not a fairy world.
You will appreciate the good times if you have been down in the darkness, we need to keep sharing the realness of life.
That depression and anxiety can happen to anyone, could be a matter of your body going into shock from something that just happens randomly. It’s how this starts, when our brains need extra chemicals to cope with a fight/flight reaction.
So little habits can make big differences in our lives.
I just wanted to give an update on the meditation, after I had my time of writing this morning I did my headspace app for meditation for pain, it worked I shifted the feeling, I was so distracted at work that there wasn’t any room for my pain, just work, work.
Wednesday 18 March 2020
Reflecting from last week to now a lot has changed with the world, the pain was real and now it’s gone which is great.
I’m lying here awake wondering why, circumstances are changing everyday and it’s sad to see what is happening with the world at the moment, it is what it is and we just have to take one day at a time and be kind to each other in this time of the unknown and ever changing situations.
If you can just do your best with each day and think about others and put our elderly and frail first, as we are so connected, if you have the thought that you should cancel an appointment as you are in the unknown then do it, your better to cancel this then put others in danger.
So, another thing that you do start to think about is medication, we are dependent on this those that are on these and anxiety can rise with just being on constant alert that these could run out, I have been assured this will not happen. It is good though to make sure you have enough for two weeks in advance, so just start to have things in place incase we do go into self isolation.
Also with this panic of the unknown, communication is important, everyone is feeling the uncertainty, I noticed it in the Supermarket on Sunday, children were crying, I realised how they sense our anxiety, we really need to not forget about our children in this situation, it would be scary for them seeing what is unfolding in front of them. Be honest with them, explain what is really happening so they know what is causing all this fuss of empty shelves.
Importantly we need to still talk to people, technology is good for sending messages and emails, the human voice can settle a situation and make things right.
Hearing the emotions in a situation can help others to understand, we are all human the power of the voice is real and we rely too much on just sending messages when you can just speak to people and convey actual truth in situations, talking to someone in any situation is what needs to happen. As hard as it can be, taking the time and effort of doing this reflects your true worth and we are only human and can do our best.
It is so worth it, knowing you have done your best, being honest is all you can be in any circumstance.

My Why

My Why !!!
This hasn’t changed for me, if anything it gets stronger as time goes by.
Life is about navigating as best you can, learning from what you have, knowing there are reasons for why things happen the way they do. I believe this with my whole heart.
Accepting that everything is not the same as everyone has been hard and we learn everyday that little goals can be achieved, that you have to set these goals though, you have to know you can’t just expect changes to occur, that effort has to be put in by everyone for achievement.
Hard to hear words that you know deep down is the truth, you only want what is best, for them to be happy, for life not to be a challenge.
You wish you could take away this frustration and sadness that you see, you want to make things better, easier. You feel useless, it’s hard not to.
So my why will never change, it’s about being able to help others, give them confidence, help them to achieve living life without pressure, it’s what we live for.
No one knows what is really happening behind closed doors, only now others are starting to notice changes.
Acceptance is what has been hard and that’s cool, the knowing that we are both in this together, that there is hope that I am never giving up, forever searching for the black and white.
What else can I articulate, make effort to see what is in front of you, go with your gut and never assume that your wrong.
The mind is so powerful and smart, just keep trying to find what is right for your fit, everyone is different, effort with ongoing communication and telling them they are loved even though nothing is ever reciprocated, just keep being there for them.
Life is hard, when you have times when you are at your lowest, just remember that it’s only temporary, that this will pass, you will appreciate the good times so much more as they will stand out and you will feel alive.
So run like the wind and set your mind to achieving the impossible.
I will be with you with every struggle or happiness you will receive.

Learning about ourselves

I feel that I’m a sponge at the moment, I take the opportunity to learn whenever I can, I know education is what has given me the confidence to share and to speak with where I’m at in life.
I’m constantly taking in anything that I know can help others, as I know the answer is out there and I’m determined to find this, anything to make their life’s easier is what I’m striving for.
We can utilise the technology to find this, I’m currently listening to a pod cast all in the mind, it’s so interesting what you can learn about the most powerful thing that controls everything in each of us.
Science is discovering new things everyday, we just have to tap into what works for us as a individual.
Yes….. today isn’t easy.
I’m struggling today, I have mind pain and it frustrates me to no end of how this occurs, I really try to be a hero, I know pain doesn’t last forever, believe you me there are others much worse, I just vocal this as it does help me to get these words out of my head.
I’m actually just sitting in my walk in robe in the darkness, finally had some meditation and I’m listening to music to just keep me from falling in a heap.
I feel crappy and I guess my day off I have time to think which can be dangerous as I can get lost in what is real and struggle with functioning normal.
When I’m on a work day I am so busy and distracted that I don’t have time to dwell.
It’d hard not to feel this way, I’m sure I’m not the only one and I’m probably just having a bad day, so I’m just going to keep going as we only live one life and I can’t dwell on poor me crap I just have to move forward.
It really does help that I’m emptying these thoughts out, why is this so, the mind is so powerful and today I have listened to podcasts to distract me, it’s just hard when you don’t know what causes the pain, frustration takes over.
After my head space meditation my music automatically started to play and instantly I started to feel better.
Music transcends me into memories of my youth, spending hours listening to music, hanging out, going to music festivals and just being, it’s what makes me smile it always has, my head is a bit scratchy I’m definitely feeling better though.
I wish I thought of this first thing, just getting the junk out of my head, not really junk maybe clutter, I’m listening to Smashing Pumpkins their early stuff, it calms me the heaviness of the guitar.
Right !!! Whatever I have just done I’m feeling so much better, just keep moving and stop poor me crap, Mark thinks I’m crazy that I share these personal thoughts, feelings, my struggles, life in general, I don’t care to be honest, when you nearly loose yourself to darkness whatever is written after that is nothing in comparison, I know that this is read and can be interpreted however you may like. It is helping so that is all that matters.
Tuesday 18 February 2020
It’s been a while, I get so caught up with life that I loose what is priorities.
I am going good, really good in terms of depression I’m in a different mindset.
This is due to staying on top of my health, still having Neurofeedback the last went as long as a month in between appointments which was a good test, after last week I am still on fortnightly which is fine as this is life changing for me, I know that the longer I keep having these sessions the better it is for me.
I have to show others that you can get through this that it isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
I’m learning so much.
Friday 21 February 2020
I’m loving this cooler weather, we are at Williamstown in Melbourne it is the prettiest of places, I love coming to Melbourne, each time I visit we find these hidden gems of where you feel like you are in a different part of the world.
This week has been much the same, still in the process of trying to find what is right for one, it’s a constant burden of feeling helpless in this situation. We try so hard, it’s good to get away and be in the same place all together, we get to really see what each of us do with our time.
We walk everywhere from where we are staying, it isn’t that far I’m happy to do this as it does make you get those endorphins, the houses around here are exquisite in themselves, with the manicured gardens, beautiful gated entrances we feel the elegance of this area, we are a block away from the ocean, couldn’t of picked a better location.
We are here for a purpose a family gathering which is really nice, love having family time with our Tassie family, there isn’t many of them, so it’s really lovely just being in their company.
As you can see by my tone, I’m much lighter these days, definitely not heavy with darkness, enjoy spending time playing board games, hanging out laughing.
We have rules, to try and balance out technology we have to do some sort of activity or exercise to try and not be on devices for too long. We just need to be consistent with this, just today I noticed the difference with spending time outside.
Another new thing for me is not having milk anymore, having almond milk as an alternative.
Today, Wednesday 26 February
Lots happening lately, I struggle to keep up with everything.
Thursday 27 February
Yesterday was an emotional day, I struggled to keep it together I was trying to be so strong for everyone at the meeting and once I heard the words come out in front of me I just lost it.
As parents it can be heart breaking to witness the sadness you see in front of you rending you useless as you are stuck in the unknown of what to do next with out fucking up someone, yes that’s right I used this term as that’s pretty much how I feel that’s what’s happened and I feel responsible as this is me in control of the being controlling pulling the strings trying to make life better and then realising that this could be the undoing of all the hard work.
It breaks me, that’s it and I feel like I was holding my breathe yesterday to hear words come out, when the words did come out I broke down with tears.
You see, we are never told what is going on, we want to help it just seems to make the situation harder, all we want to do is help and we can’t break down the wall, it scares me how within yourself you can go, that you are just ticking boxes to get through, no matter how hard we try we can’t help.
We are never giving up on this journey, it’s what I’m here for, it’s why I have been there as well, to share that you can change, that there is hope, that you are not alone, we are strong, I will never give up on finding the black and white, I know grey is where we are at, the thing is we have support, what about those that don’t have this, or are ten times in a worse situation, I feel for those struggling alone with the inner demons, I truly do as I know how hard it can be to just find energy to breathe, don’t give up searching for what is your true colour, we are all so different, you just have to find what is right for you.

New Paths, New Me

The beauty of having a blog is there is no pressure

I have so much inside me at times that I need to let out as it can consume me without realising.

Last week was huge for me, since my new job I was on my own, determined to do everything right and not to let others down.

It took a toll on me as by the weekend I was exhausted.

I still have to remember I’m not Superwoman trying to achieve everything, I have some great tools now for when I can feel pressure arise.

I’m still struggling with being in control of others that knowing I am shaping what their destination is, at times I question myself am I doing the right thing, it pulls on my heart strings.

I know deep down this is what has to happen, it’s a battle to get anything achieved, I worry about what I can do or am I doing enough, this brings tears to my eyes each time.

Being a mother is hard work you question every decision or how to express yourself, you feel at times that if you don’t try these options you are hindering others. Then when you do and the result isn’t what you thought, you blame yourself for the outcome.

I’m determined though, I know that things have happened to make me realise how hard life can be for others.

I’m strong now, the strongest I have been, I haven’t had any real relapses since my Neurofeedback Sessions and am a different person, life is challenging that to me is part of this existence, if we don’t have challenges we wouldn’t strive to be a better person, I have always been honest with my kids, I want them to see firsthand how hard life can be, that you have to work for these goals, you need to do the work, you can create your destiny.

We are stronger then we think and determination is something that you just have to keep being to shape whatever outcome you want to achieve.

Thursday 23 January 2020

I’m a different person now, I’ve come along way to where I was. I see the shock in people’s faces when they see me and they believe that I am changed, I feel like I have a new brain that anything is possible, that there is no better time then now, not to dwell in this state of this is forever to find your own answer, as it’s out there and if you believe that there is hope, eventually you will find what will work for you.

I have been doing meditation for a while now, nothing complicated just 10 minutes a day, I don’t know how it works it does though, I really feel like I’m in the now as cliche as this sounds, I am in a space in my mind where I don’t seem to feel pressure as such, that I am pretty much calm.

It’s really nice to enjoy the feelings of smelling the roses, laughing when you can at silly stuff.

I’m still doing my Skincare, it’s my thing I’m not putting pressure on myself to be someone I’m not, I really struggled with the personal side and mental roller coaster of feeling I had to achieve and realise that I can get consumed in something that yes the products are great, I love them, and we all use them daily, not everyone thinks the same as me, that it’s not a personal thing, I really struggled with this at times, it took time and I am always learning that what can work for someone may not work for others.

Once I realise this I’m more content with just doing what I can, prioritising what is more important, so there is more space and less pressure in my mind, that I don’t have that constant voice in the background pushing me to constantly try to achieve the impossible.

Monday after Australia Day, I’ve just returned from a exhausting run with my Rosie, it’s not that hot it’s the humidity that knocks you around, words seem to flow once I’ve been for a run, it’s like even though I’m listening to music I can think about life. We were recently at Sydney with friends enjoying the sports of Australians we had just arrived in the gates people everywhere hustling and busting to get to their seats for the match, we suddenly hear a terrible sound it’s the sound of head hitting concrete hard, at first people think this person is kidding around until she starts having a seizure, my beautiful friends swing into action putting their first aid skills to use, reminding me that I need to update mine, just putting it off.

They do everything right make sure she is comfortable that she can’t hurt herself communicating with family from her young siblings to find out what she has to assist in this moment of terror, they are calm and dedicated, I feel proud that I’m with them.

Her family finally arrives after what seems to take forever and she is getting the support she needs.

I’m concerned with, how long it took to get real assistance, for a venue this big that if someone was having a heart attack the time it took they probably wouldn’t have survived.

It made me realise just how lucky we were with Dad the day he had his, that he had been at the right place at the right time, that we had another two years with him, that it gave us a jolt of reality how precious life is, that I wanted to tell him how much he means to me, he was ever so humble and would never want to be treated any different. I guess I’m like him, I keep a lot of inner thoughts inside, I still hear his voice and I miss him so.

Memories are what we have of times we have with others that are not here with us, it’s important that we keep being in the now and not the past or future, yes we can plan, we just need not consume ourselves that we miss out what is right in front of us.

Changing Colours

Today has been big ….

I’m excited with my Neurofeedback 5 weeks since my last session, brain is doing well, if not better up to 31 sessions as of today.

I am on the countdown to finishing these sessions, originally it was between 30-40 sessions it could be getting reduced to 35.

So I feel like I have a new brain, refurbished if anything, I’m craving for knowledge I want to learn more about life, share my inner thoughts of where I’m at.

I do believe we are on pathways that are guiding us to help navigate us and others to share our own thoughts and experience as I know now why I have gone through what I have and there is more to come in this ever involving world we live in with its everyday challenges.

Getting back to what is important to me is my health as if I’m not on top of this I can’t be a good mother to my kids or wife to my husband.

There were moments this week where things aligned and I know now that I’m not getting too excited for the next phase, just feeling relieved that maybe this will be easier for some as life is a inner struggle and it breaks my heart at time to witness this and all you want to do is make it better, it’s just not that simple, so learning and being more confident in this area I’m hoping this will make the grey become more black and white.

So always follow your gut and speak the truth, I know I’ve been holding this in as tears just rolled down my cheek at times from the release of the build up kept inside, without knowing we worry internally it was a mixture of relief and sadness.

We all are special and unique everyone one of us, we have to be content with what we have, knowledge is knowing more and giving confidence to those that are in denial.

I personally am in a good place, it feels good to get these thoughts out, they aren’t dark anymore, the bottomless pit is not in my sights anymore, my direction has shifted and life is not just for me, I’m not toxic which is great, my meditation has been another practice that has helped me achieve my goals with neurofeedback as I’m in that place where I need to train my brain to get into that state of peace through breathing.

I noticed this at my current session that I could get into my zone.

When I’m meditating listening to my headspace, I can feel the tension melt out of places where I hold this, it hasn’t been a quick process it’s a daily ritual that I do for 10 minutes and I definitely notice this at work when I really need to zone into tasks.

So an update, I’m gluten free, I take all B supplements in liquid form, magnesium, zinc, silver, and vitamin C.

I also am still on my Zoloft 150 mg a day, I’m okay with remaining on this medication as I know it balances my brains seratonin levels.

I have liquid melatonin of a night, and I try to keep my sleep the same as I still get exhausted from big days.

I know my limits with exercise, if I run in the morning I’m exhausted in the afternoon, I’m best to do yoga instead.

Still love my music I have just got back from my mid morning run with Rosie, some oldies came on that made me run that little bit faster, Powderfinger, Silverchair, Superjesus, Smashing Pumpkins the heaviness made me smile.

Happy Last day of 2019

Happy 2019 – Helping others, sharing the light.

I had to share this, I’ve been stuck with how to let everyone know that I’m in a really good place with my mind health.

I find that routine is something I need and meditation and yoga is part of this.

I want to let others know that coming up to a new year I’m in such a healthy head space from last year, that sheer determination and pain at times, just being real, doing things outside of normality and believing in myself has got me to a place where I’m grateful.

Yes this sounds cheesy, I know, don’t get me wrong I still have days where I struggle which is normally from overeating milk chocolate or gluten breach, it seems to get worse as each time I do this and at times can last three days of struggle.

It is what it is, we learn the hard ways, I say this to myself each time this occurs.

The mind is so powerful, I’m still learning about myself every day, I internalise at times my struggles that I see on the outside.

I know that my mind has been recreated as I am amazed with how I want to learn more about what makes us tick.

We are constantly battling with electronics and the world of technology, it concerns me that our children are on these platforms that can be shared with people that are not good and take innocence away from them. Hopefully we can keep educating them of these dark places that lurk behind these screens.

My skincare is still going well, I love the feeling of confidence I receive, for me it’s helping others feel good about themselves.

Educating my kids on looking after their skin, as my Molly uses these products daily which I’m really pleased about.

So different from when I was a child the same age, Skincare wasn’t really something that I did, I did stay out of the sun I always covered up and looked like a total nerd, I didn’t care, I remember being young and going to the races one time with my grandparents and my nose got soo burnt that it peeled, from that day on I never went in the sun without a hat or sunscreen. There were times that I was criticised for being so white, I didn’t care I have always had my skin checks and been cleared so I know this is because I have always been careful.

So, we are on our way to Forster to see my family who I adore, it makes me smile just thinking of them, I miss them, you may think it’s weird that I share my inner thoughts, I really don’t care, it’s me just being real with where I’m at.

Why not share the inner self of the bright and the dark times, I know that this is me and I’m giving others hope that you can get through the dark times, that you are not alone, that we all have times when life is hard, to not be hard on yourself, that we need to show the truth to our kiddies that life isn’t just simple that it’s hard at times, you are the only one can make a change, the sky which has been covered in gloom lately is becoming blue, that being kind to others can be such a rewarding experience.

I think of my Dad and Marilyn a lot, there are constant reminders of them, ladybug 🐞 for Marilyn anything with wings for Dad, I know they are with us always, I still get teary at times, how can you not, it still isn’t easy, time does help, still …. you do see them everyday when you are out and about, little snippets of their characters in others, memories are so important it’s what we use to make our daily events more special, it can be a photo that you haven’t seen in years, little things.

So from me to you, have a Happy New Year, I will continue to write hopefully more consistently to share my life lessons of this ever continuing journey to be a good person. X