There are mornings

Where you wake up and you just struggle to breathe, you know that today isn’t going to be easy deep down in your toes, there is a skittish feeling in them, breathe in breathe out I keep telling myself.
I know now I’m juggling from feeling super great to the opposite end of I’m on the edge of freaking out.
Well I should realise this as last week I was going from one end to the other in a couple of days.
So I’m aware of this uneasiness to relax, I’m going to put all my tools in place and just do my best.
That’s really all you can do when this wave is upon us, just get ready for either the dumping or be calm and swim through.
The funny thing is I know I should be doing my yoga and meditation I just can’t get there, my mind keeps telling me that this isn’t needed, breathe in breathe out I have all the usual signs of scratching of head feeling jittery.
I am going to do yoga, as I know this is when I need it the most.
Watch this space, so I managed some of my yoga not all of it, just enough to get rid of the static energy I was feeling.
Surprisingly I had a really good day, distraction really helps and I listened to my mind, went out in the sunshine was good, didn’t eat too much heavy food just little amounts, really got into my zone.
It’s important for me to be real and share this with you.
That you can have good days and not so good, it keeps me grounded knowing that this is what it is, that I can only do my best with each day, to enjoy the moments of feeling so good that it’s ridiculous.
I was in a place just recently that I did feel at times I could be in that place of the now it took some time and practice.
Anyhow, the tingling isn’t as intense as it was yesterday, I am feeling more calm.
Breathe in, breathe out is more easy as well, the simplest of things you just have to be aware that at times this needs more thought as it will calm you.
I didn’t force myself into having to complete something I started either, with meditation I just did what I could I didn’t put pressure into having to complete, the same with the yoga I just did what I felt was enough.
There is at times a line that if you do too much then you hit exhaustion which I know can floor me for days, so knowing my limits is good.
So at present I’m feeling calm, knowing I’m in control that I can only do my best with how I’m feeling. It helps me to offload what is swimming in my mind, I’m starting to feel excited for my day with new beginnings the start of coming back to normality is exciting.

That was then this is now, I’m listening to my body more and taking time to stop and breathe if I feel I’m getting to the stage of doing too much as I now know that it seems to happen without me acknowledging I’m getting to that point and then I’ve burnt out which can take a day or two to recharge.
Running is good for my headspace, I just have to not overdo it as this can tip me into exhaustion.
I love running it’s such a good feeling with the feeling of achievement, as it isn’t easy around here either with hills so I really feel good when I have done a run.
I am still getting there, it’s funny it’s like I had to hit rock bottom to get back up to feeling good again.
This time it only took a couple of days feeling this way to come back to myself. So was good to know if I keep using my tools to assist me when I’m not in a good mind space that it’s okay to feel this way. That it’s only temporary that these feelings will pass.
I am going to just still take one day at a time, just gradually being kind to myself.
My hippie is protective of me, I communicate when my head is heavy and he gets me now, the more we share the true realness of struggles the easier it becomes.
You don’t feel as frustrated with yourself, by doing this it takes the pressure off myself, to know the feelings will pass.

Feeling loved

Thursday 7 May 2020
I have woken today knowing that I am loved, my head still a bit sore which is fine as I have a plan.
I know why I get migraines, it’s stress, that’s pretty much it and if you have tools in place then it doesn’t seem as bad as you know it’s temporary.
So, I have been reading and listening to a pod cast which helps me, Eckhart Tolle and it’s about teaching yourself to be in the now, yesterday I did a lot of back to basics things to just cope with my mind, so I thought I’d share this with you.
I know everyone is different and what works for me may not work for some, it’s how I got through to feeling that little lighter.
Communication is big, being honest and real with others helps me to not feel like I’m failing.
I have a head space app for mindfulness, I’ve nearly done 800 minutes this has taken practice and I know this helps, I can choose what one I need for my current situation, stress/breathing/pain there are so many to choose from – I have my space where I sit and not be disturbed and it works, breathing let’s my shoulders suddenly melt down when I’m doing this.
I’ve realised now I have to make time for myself to not push this aside, everything can wait.
So I’m feeling better sharing this, already which is great.
I listened to calming music all day, which also just helped with my getting through.
I went back to writing to do lists and crossing off what I achieved.
I made sure I had me time by watching some Netflix just for an hour.
I got tea done early so I could make sure I wasn’t late to bed.
I did yoga after tea, it really helped me to feel like I had done some sort of exercise.
Running at the moment isn’t worth the exhaustion I get from doing it whereas yoga is still getting the endorphins just not getting fatigued.
This is really important, I always have my medication which is Zoloft, I know this keeps me balanced, I have my supplements each day Vitamin Bs, zinc, magnesium, silver, cod liver oil (brain health) vitamin C.
Night time I have Silver/B6,B5 and liquid melatonin to help me to sleep.
This has helped all of us at times.
I only eat gluten free, I try not to eat processed food and I have almond milk in my coffee.
I normally push through the pain of my headache like I want to be a hero, no now I just take the painkiller straight away as pain isn’t nice for anyone and if a tablet can get you out if this then so be it.
Also, I had a session with my Psychologist a zoom session, I read to him what I wrote and he worked out where I was at and why, this is the education that helps me understand that I’m not going crazy (which I will screen shot) knowing that there is a reason you are feeling this way does help, and also why I share as I know I’m one of the lucky ones that have such great support networks. He just explained that I’m normally in the middle zone and due to everything that has been going on in life I have crept out of this zone, there were signs I just didn’t see them or feel them and after discussing this with my hippie they did appear just not the same, until after the fact.
My kiddies were amazing, being honest and letting them know I’m not feeling right made them realise I needed help, they both studied out of their rooms and were rewarded. I am so proud of them, they make me smile.
So this is it, I’m definitely feeling less fatigued, am going to start today with a little more spring in my step and be grateful of how I am feeling.

Sunday 10 May 2020
An update of my week and where I’m at, I’m at such a better head space now which I’m really relieved at how quickly I got back to this state.
I put it to hitting rock bottom then acknowledging the fact then putting the tools in place to overcome this moment.
Not putting pressure on myself and just understanding that I had missed triggers which you don’t realise happen.
Being okay with not being okay and just doing my best.
Friday was my best day, I ended up doing a small run which obviously the mix of endorphin release and running into a close loved one while on this run put me into a place where I was feeling really happy and proud.
I still have to remember that having big days are going to effect the next day as it is what it is.
Speaking and knowing I’m not alone really helped, the stigma is definitely starting to shift I can feel, see and hear this which is massive, I am ever so grateful for the love I have received it shows that times are changing, that there is hope for our children growing into adults that just being real and honest will help overcome the unknown of what is happening at times to each of us, that the little things are so important, the simplicity of a flower can bring you back to being in the now.
I had time to smell the roses as such with this beautiful flower yesterday birds of prey, the colours are amazing.

I’m struggling….

I’m struggling
with myself at present, it’s my mind lack of motivation if anything I don’t know why I’m feeling this way and it’s not easy, I’m not sure if I’m burnt out I’m exhausted. I haven’t felt this way in a long time and I’m worried that I’m not coping with normal things.
I’m trying to do everything right and I just can’t seem to do enough, I’m hoping offloading what is going on in my headspace will give me clarity.
I’m ashamed of how I am feeling and I wish I could just be normal.
I have filled the bucket too quickly and now I’m struggling to empty this.
The hard part for me personally is that I don’t know I’m filling the bucket until it’s overflowed, now I’m struggling with what to do first, everything suddenly feels hard.
So I’m lying here just trying to concentrate on breathing as normally I can do this and everything just seems to overwhelm me.
I’m angry at myself for getting to this state and I’m frustrated as I really don’t know how I got here so quickly.
Deep breathes as I am thinking what I can do, put my tools into place.
I guess I’m lucky though as I know I’m not right at the moment, that I can only do what I can, that as hard as it is there are others so worse off.
My feet are twitching, my head isn’t liking my download of all these thoughts trying to fit on this page.
So little steps for me, I am aware that this is a time not like no other and I’m thankful I have my kids here.
As I know I’m not feeling myself and it scares me, I just want to not feel as tired.
Deep breathes, it’s important for me to share these thoughts of what the is going on in my mind.
I’m no superwoman and I was feeling really good at one stage I was running more then I normally do, that’s my point, you forget that you can’t do everything, you just keep trying to achieve the impossible then now I’m annoyed that I’m at this point of headspace where the calm has gone, I have to just try and do little stints.
Acknowledging that I’m struggling with my current moment is okay, look it’s not ideal but I’m determined to face the world and just do my best.
So being real is all I can be, if I have to go back to basics then I will.
We have to be strong for our kiddies, so they understand that life isn’t easy at times, if you just keep doing your best with each situation that’s all we can do.
So I’m lying here knowing that I am lucky, I am just going to start my to do list and do one thing at a time.
Breathing and being grateful that I have wonderful family and friends.
Not be too hard on myself for the state I’m currently in, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I can do this, I am strong, little steps for me.
Distraction is something that is something that can help you get out of your current mind thoughts.
So first thing I do is put music on my station triplej as this helps. Music has been my go to since I was a teenager it puts me in a happy place.
Also I have put my oil on balance to ground me, bottom of my feet and behind my ear. Haven’t done this for a long time, tools are really important to help overcome these waves of jumble.
Communication is a big thing, honesty … I told both my kiddies yesterday that I’m struggling that I need help, that I need them to assist me in doing as they are told eg electronics not in bedroom, not studying in bedroom or schooling as such. Just so they can see that it will help me.
You know I’m one of the lucky ones, I have really good support services and to communicate to them what I have written helps them to help me. It puts things into perspective that I’m just off my path at the moment and I will get back on this path just gradually as the footprints are already there, I have just lost my way at present and everything that I’m going through is understandable with are you okay and just the current climate that we are in.
So deep breathes, feeling better as I know I have been real with everyone that needs to know that I’m doing my best with what the situation is and will get through this.
On a brighter note, I did some yoga tonight, it’s amazing how good this feels and it made for a nice night.
Talking and just doing little steps has made me feel better.
So I’m living in the now, grateful of my loved ones especially my hippie as he just gets me and is there for me, with all my special mind health issues.
It’s important that I share the realness of what happens when I’m consumed with this heaviness. I know I’m not alone, which makes me feel that lighter in just taking the steps to make do with what is this present moment.

Are you okay??

Yesterday was are you okay day …
It was big for me … and I was consumed with this for a day at least wanting to make sure everything that come out was right, that the moment it come out made others realise the importance of this day and how it effects so many people.
You see I’m one of the lucky ones that has had great support from my family and my friends. They never gave up on me when I was down, it breaks me though when I hear of others leaving this life before their time as I know that you can get out of the darkness gosh if I can you just have to keep taking one day at a time as hard as this was and just have a little bit of hope that you can do this.
I can articulate what I’m going through better in writing then speaking my words and I knew I couldn’t babble so I had a script as such, it did bring up emotions as I knew it would as it has been such a huge part of my life this depression and to be honest it was meant to be. As hard at times it was to function with the frustration I knew deep down this was more then just me this was the path I was meant to be on as if I hadn’t gone on this path the way I had I wouldn’t have seen the decline of what this illness can do to my own.
I got the gut feeling as a Mother, it scared me though that it was right in front of me and I still could of let this slip as it’s so smart and the subtly it comes to disguise itself is scary, when it takes hold though there is no stopping what it can do to anyone it scared me, it comes in different forms for everyone as we are all so different.
So I went with my gut it wasn’t easy and there were tears of anguish not wanting help, I knew though this was bigger then me that you have to keep searching for what is the right fit for everyone, we only live once I was determined to push through the signs I just had to get to the right person who would find the answer.
In time things started to fall into place, I knew I was getting my grey child back to himself, this is still a path that we are on I’m never getting off this path as it’s not easy and I can see this, not exactly the same way, I just know it isn’t easy and my goal is to just make him happy, that’s all you want for your children to be happy for things not to be so hard.
So we may take some steps forward and two steps back it’s a progress that will forever be what it is and as a Mum I’m okay with this, acceptance is understanding that we all have different paths we are all so unique in our own ways that’s what makes this life special the combination of all the differences of us.
Getting back to my voice leading up to the event I was nervous, I wanted my heart to reach out to others to impact them to think if they are struggling that there is hope.
If putting myself in front of others stripping back my walls of happiness to show the pain that this illness can cause to so many of us is worth that impact that this may cause others then so be it.
I’m not ashamed of anything that I have written in the past it is real and it’s raw, to be honest I was sick of others not understanding the realness of how this can effect us so individual. That there is nothing to be ashamed of we aren’t bad people we just need some help, we aren’t broken it’s just we really don’t know what is happening at the time, so don’t ever assume if you get a gut feeling just ask the question, are you okay as this can change someone’s life without you even knowing. Let them know that they are not alone, this can take the weight off anyone’s shoulder knowing this, I know personally we just all have to help each other by sharing our own journeys and ways of life, teaching our children that life isn’t easy that if you do your best that’s all we want, to breathe and be in the moment.

Where we are at …

I haven’t written in a while …
I’ve been so consumed with a new routine, the last few weeks I’ve had both Molly and Harry home online learning, which does take time to make sure they are on task.
Harry would much prefer to play with our big boy Leo cat, it has been good for me to see the difficulty of how Harry learns, that it’s hard work for him to remain on task.
He seems happier though which is all we want from our kid’s so that overrides everything.
I have had more energy lately, I’m doing more work then I ever have with working from home, keeping kids on task with their schooling, I have been running more as my clothes are a bit too tight for my liking, that’s how I go with my weight, I hardly step on the scales I go by my clothes as if I feel comfy in them, I’m pleased.
So with not having an excuse, I try and run as well as get the kids elevating their heart rate as well.
It’s important for them to exercise during this time, as they can easily slip into bad habits. For me little amounts of technology is good, too much isn’t good with your brain health.
With not being able to do my Neurofeedback with both Harry and I we are having zoom sessions. I am learning more about what I can do for myself now then depending on my Neurofeedback sessions.
Meditation has been really good, I don’t seem to get to the next level of stress, I can control this more and just breathe as we can only do our best with the situation we are in.
So I’m learning more about myself each day, enjoying the challenges feeling grateful for where we live and the family and friends I have in my life. I try not to watch too much television on this terrible disease that are taking so many life’s it can really get you down.
It’s nothing like we have ever experienced, we feel protected in our bubbles which is good.
Knowing that we are not the only ones going through this does give comfort, sharing is caring and we all have to help each other to get through, there is added pressure for not only what the effect of passing this on, the guilt is far more deep when you could jeopardise someone else’s life without meaning to. So it’s simple, stay at home, only go out if you need to, social distancing is a must, always wash your hands for at least 20 seconds this is saving lives of others, it’s the ripple effect of looking after each other.
We are so lucky that our technology can give us our loved ones faces and voices, hearing someone’s voice is so powerful and real it can make any situation less.
Sunday 19 April 2020
I love this time of peace, my mind is just enjoying the now, my favourite sound is the Willy Wag Tail (birds) they have such a happy chirp.
Sunday mornings are my favourite, they are time for me to have time to be creative, there is no rushing to get anywhere, the house is quiet as there are no appointments to get to.
So I’m learning about the mind from others, it’s about being in the NOW, it takes practice to be in this moment and I’ve been working hard to get to this state of calm.
I think personally I have always wanted to get to this place, I just have to make more time.
Time, this is something that we really have more of at the moment, (just took a deep breath) by just acknowledging my breathing my shoulders are releasing tension. We all have more time due to the current situation, we are not rushing from point A to point B trying to achieve social/sports arrangements for our others. So now we can make the time to really smell the roses.
We can look up at the sky when we are hanging the washing on the line, to see the beauty of what is above.
I remember when I was struggling with life a few years ago that if I got into the spa outside with bubbles going just laying there looking up at the sky was quite out of this world, actually peaceful (was I finding my now moment, I guess I was) I did keep a lot within myself, deep breaths (just on the breathing, we don’t realise how powerful this motion is, I know I have to tell my self deep breaths for me to do this, I don’t actually do this unless told, once I stop concentrating on this fact I go back to my shallow breathing.
Anyhow, just lost my train of thought, interrupted by My Rosie, she wants her Sunday run (she knows that’s what we do every Sunday morning, without fail).
So I’m being distracted with the thoughts of guilt so my mind is preparing me to take her as this is when she smiles.
So am feeling more in-tune with life, we were listening to Tool last night and all these thoughts came rushing back. Music is powerful especially when it’s sound takes over your mind the heaviness of the sound, blocks everything out of the normality of what you are currently doing and vibrates through you taking you to a place where only you have been and can feel the emotion of that moment.
Tool especially has a sound that when your listening, feels like you can beat anything it’s a force that can change you from feeling nothing to being totally in that moment of achieving whatever you set your mind to. There is something about music that can distract you from being weak to being strong, it’s the vibration of what has been created that you feel through your whole body, only you feel this in a way that no one else can, it’s powerful for your strength.
So, I just did this – I acknowledged having my morning coffee, instead of just doing the motion of drinking as a habit, I took the time to feel the heat of this on my hand, the taste of this when I drank, the smell of the aroma, I really enjoyed this more.
So little habits can be created, to appreciate where we are in this moment, take time to see what is in front of you, as this is the most important part of life, enjoying the now and not worrying about the past.

We are in the unknown

All of us that is, so the air is heavy at the moment as we process the reality of this situation.
Our minds are all in overload, personally I’m one of the lucky ones at the moment that still has work and can work from home.
So I don’t tend to write as much lately as it obviously is my therapy and I haven’t really needed to upload my inner thoughts.
The beauty of writing is you can do it anywhere and for me it does work.
My head space is precious at this point with the changes big changes that we have had to go through this last week.
Normality and control have been forced upon us and we are not used to this, social distancing anywhere is very awkward our normal friendliness towards others is on guard as we are all fending with looking after the health of each other and our most vulnerable. So it isn’t easy going about doing normal day to day functions.
The pressure of all these changes has effected my normally happy life, so my tools of getting by go out the window and I kept using all my nervous energy up till I had none.
Let me explain how the brain works regarding our stress levels, as doing Neurofeedback for the last year I have learnt a lot about the brain and how it controls us.
So an example for me was on Monday just gone, typical work day I have payroll so I’m already in high focus mode and concentration and remaining on task is what has to happen, as there are time frames of getting this done.
So with this Cov-9 everything is changing it’s hard to remain on task and I can feel pressure building up already in my head space, my flow of normality keeps getting interrupted, so my mind is doing overtime to keep on task.
This would be happening to everyone, not just me, we are all in the unknown at present waiting on edge for another announcement of what control is going to be forced upon us.
We have to remember that we are all precious with our minds, that everyone will be on fight/flight mode which is something that we try and not be all the time as it is exhausting. Our brains will be wanting more to cope with this as we are using more of its resources as it is the unknown with what we are going through. This is really important that we check up and don’t assume on our close family and friends, especially those that are by themselves or just gone through some major life changes as these are the ones that need support and would be feeling alone.
We need to keep talking to our children, keep explaining what is happening so they aren’t stressing from what they can see in their parents.
We have to just take one day at a time and not overthink, this is something that hasn’t happened in a 100 years, it’s massive.
Be kind to one another and look at communicating as much as possible, hearing loved ones voices, using Skype/FaceTime/Zoom to take the time to reach out, physically we are contained we have technology that can help us.
If you don’t feel yourself, talk to a loved one, these are times that you can’t be complacent with I will be alright, your mind is powerful it’s normal happy place is being compromised with added stresses the normality of routines has changed so we would all be going through this, picture your brain the front part of this is in your forehead this is the part where commonsense happens at the back part where the base of your neck the bottom of your skull is the stress part, so normally you would have to pass the stress part of brain to get to normal commonsense processing part, when you are going through a stressful time this is why our commonsense doesn’t click in at times as it has to come a lot further to the frontal part of our brain and that needs more juices to do this.
That’s why it’s important to have tools in place to assist you, so then you can have these in preparation for what is to come.
My tools will be mediation, my oils (thank you all my oily friends) exercise either running Rosie or yoga.
So I am starting to feel better getting this out of my head, I can hear rain outside which is always a great sound, nature at its best reminding us of its beauty.
Look, I’m no expert with this mind thing, I’m just sharing what is happening with me and hoping this helps, it’s not a poor me story it’s processing the unknown of what lies ahead, it’s just letting others know that you are not alone and to reach out, especially now more then ever.
That we all need to be kind to one another and keep talking to each other, don’t assume that this person is okay, just ring them and hear their voices, that’s really powerful to hear someone’s voice, it means you care it’s personal.
Now more then ever our minds are going into overdrive using excess resources to cope with the unknown, we need to remember this, to breathe to talk about this, don’t be afraid to admit you don’t feel right.
Especially our children, keep them informed, let them know it’s okay to be feeling all these forms of mixed emotions, that they are not alone, they are loved.

I’m not going to lie


Wednesday 11 March 2020
It hasn’t been an easy few days, gluten breaches for me are real, the pain is real.
At the time of me risking the breach I was like I’ll be fine, you see you forget about pain as soon as you don’t have it.
So it’s day three, I still have the pain on my right hand side, it’s definitely improving as I didn’t wake during the night.
I can just feel the slight throb now on the right hand side.
My jaws are fine, they have settled so I feel like I’m coming off this.
I try not to let this take over my life when this occurs, yesterday I was determined to just keep pushing through.
I had asprin to reduce the pressure that seemed to work and I drank water as much as I could.
It only takes a crumb of flour these days to set me off, it seems to hit me worse each time.
I communicate that I’m struggling to my family so they know I’m precious, I just keep moving trying not to dwell on poor me crap.
As I know deep down this is temporary and it’s just a matter of time before this uncomfortable feeling will move on.
So while I’m here uploading my inner thoughts, my fortnightly sessions of Neurofeedback are going great, if anything my brain is loving the challenges that the Carnival is bringing. That’s why it’s so important to me to share how amazing and life changing Neurofeedback is, I’m 45 years old and my brain is like refurbished and I am thriving on what I can do with it.
From where I was to where I am is just amazing, I feel so fortunate to have had this opportunity and know that this has helped me overcome depression.
Yes I feel pain, that’s real it’s different though, I know it’s temporary when your depressed or have anxiety this can hit you like a wave when you don’t know it’s coming.
That is the scary part, you can be fine, feeling great then just like that you are struggling to breathe you are loosing yourself to the unknown of what is going on, you think your going crazy as the mind is powerful and it changes from wave to wave, you loose yourself to the despair of can I get out of this.
Until you have been in this space, it’s hard to explain to others what your going through.
It’s about setting yourself tiny goals, like okay let’s just get out of bed.
Triggers are what can start the downward spiral, you have to work out what these are, and face them, overcome them.
It’s not easy, so worth it though to achieve these goals, I know that I’m here to show others that you can overcome these moments, don’t give up, it’s temporary, that it’s okay to feel crappy that this is normal, life is about challenges not a fairy world.
You will appreciate the good times if you have been down in the darkness, we need to keep sharing the realness of life.
That depression and anxiety can happen to anyone, could be a matter of your body going into shock from something that just happens randomly. It’s how this starts, when our brains need extra chemicals to cope with a fight/flight reaction.
So little habits can make big differences in our lives.
I just wanted to give an update on the meditation, after I had my time of writing this morning I did my headspace app for meditation for pain, it worked I shifted the feeling, I was so distracted at work that there wasn’t any room for my pain, just work, work.
Wednesday 18 March 2020
Reflecting from last week to now a lot has changed with the world, the pain was real and now it’s gone which is great.
I’m lying here awake wondering why, circumstances are changing everyday and it’s sad to see what is happening with the world at the moment, it is what it is and we just have to take one day at a time and be kind to each other in this time of the unknown and ever changing situations.
If you can just do your best with each day and think about others and put our elderly and frail first, as we are so connected, if you have the thought that you should cancel an appointment as you are in the unknown then do it, your better to cancel this then put others in danger.
So, another thing that you do start to think about is medication, we are dependent on this those that are on these and anxiety can rise with just being on constant alert that these could run out, I have been assured this will not happen. It is good though to make sure you have enough for two weeks in advance, so just start to have things in place incase we do go into self isolation.
Also with this panic of the unknown, communication is important, everyone is feeling the uncertainty, I noticed it in the Supermarket on Sunday, children were crying, I realised how they sense our anxiety, we really need to not forget about our children in this situation, it would be scary for them seeing what is unfolding in front of them. Be honest with them, explain what is really happening so they know what is causing all this fuss of empty shelves.
Importantly we need to still talk to people, technology is good for sending messages and emails, the human voice can settle a situation and make things right.
Hearing the emotions in a situation can help others to understand, we are all human the power of the voice is real and we rely too much on just sending messages when you can just speak to people and convey actual truth in situations, talking to someone in any situation is what needs to happen. As hard as it can be, taking the time and effort of doing this reflects your true worth and we are only human and can do our best.
It is so worth it, knowing you have done your best, being honest is all you can be in any circumstance.