I couldn’t upload the below last night, I felt guilty I am very grateful for my friends & family, I feel very fortunate that as I can’t drive I have options and caring friends/family so this makes it possible, that’s the thing with my mind I feel guilty, happy, sad, angry all at once. It’s really hard for me to upload this still, if it’s going to help others then so be it, I don’t want to ever hurt anyone I just had a bad afternoon yesterday, overthought things …. I am okay, just have waves and waking up this morning I’m really happy about going to work as it distracts me and I enjoy this, my mind is busy.
Have a lovely Monday.
SUNDAY 2 July 2017
I started off pretty good today, I’m just feeling rejected at the moment really angry as well, I’m overthinking things my head is scratchy I’m not sure if it’s this 3 week eat no gluten, dairy, processed sugar. I seem to be on this roller coaster I’m so vulnerable and on the edge, I’m trying to just push through this shit, it’s really hard for me to ask for help it sucks basically when you have to be dependent on others and at the moment I am, you take things the wrong way and times them by 100 so I’m happy then I get angry like I could rip my hair out and just scream, this is bad I know I’m scared if I upload this will I be classed as a freak. Am I like this because I just tired so hard to act normal which has taken so much energy, I really don’t know. I just don’t have control of anything it’s really annoying I’m okay for a few days then I just get frustrated and angry.
The reason I’m on this three week food thing is I’ve been going to the Chiro/Kinesiology Little Sprouts very thankful for the service I have received the past 6 weeks. Originally we started going for Harry as his posture was out thought this would help at the time, one of my close friends had referred me just before Christmas so it just had to be the right time, whether it was intuition I’m saying yes I actually worked at this place prior to us moving to Mudgee 11 years ago just walking through the doors hearing the familiar ring of the doorbells just felt right, to this day I have no regrets as this business has helped me and my family so so much emotionally and physically.
Cannot believe how good this feels to get this out of my head, it’s still scratchy not to the point it was, it really is helping me just something so basic just gets me through.
I have my tools as well, I have my roller ball with sweet smelling frankincense/fract. Coconut that really helps I normally roll this on my neck and my wrists just having this on me makes me feel good.
Just back to me and how I’m at this point, the last 2 years hasn’t been easy I lost a beautiful person to Cancer which was just so sad to see someone you love be in pain, feel useless watching them deteriorate it wasn’t fair, fuck cancer at the same time I was torn I had my dad who I knew was very sick as 2 years prior he had a massive heart attack on a boat fishing at the time with family & friends, we were lucky that day someone was shining down on us as at the time this occurred they hadn’t got very far, got the boat back really quick to the boat ramp there was an off duty marine rescue or ambulance person there that was having trouble getting his boat started, when the boat arrived pulled up with dad he had been having cpr on him so the other guy knew there was a defibrillator at Marine Rescue so this was used on dad even before the ambulance arrived as he got into the boat which then got dads heart beating again, we had two more years with dad, that to me was a reminder to spend as much time with your loved ones.
I was torn I had my nearest and dearest were both ill, whenever we could we were at Tassi then at home we would be at Forster with my family, dad who was deteriorating before my eyes and so humble just made me want to hug him, yet you didn’t want him to feel that you knew we were loosing him, he changed he was very quiet had a defibrillator put in him so if his heart stopped it would jolt him back to life, he was still my loving dad he just seemed to go within himself which must of been hard for all of us, I was just glad we still had him with us. A lot of life lessons were happening we knew we were on borrowed time with dad so I really did feel torn, when I’d ring to see how he was always told ‘his fine’, I knew deep down he wasn’t I knew this was been said in code I was just stuck in a hard place with my two loved ones ill, so we lost both loved ones that same year October 2015 was the first date I lost a beautiful person to Cancer, then dad passed away within 9 weeks in December 2015 that same year, it was just so sad for everyone, it was surreal to think that both my parents attended the funeral then within 9 weeks dad passed away it was double whammy for me I was just exhausted emotionally with what had happened, the grieving process then kicked in, emotions were up and down – work was my saviour as I loved the distraction.
Will continue on as I can … until next time ❤️