Life as we live it – Part 3

I realised that I haven’t been going crazy the last six weeks, I just assumed when you have anxiety you get a bit anxious it blew me away, all these things is what I had just crazy, see the scary thing for me is I have support I have great services eg. Doctors/Chiro/Psychologist beautiful family and friends very supportive employer, what if there are people out there that don’t have any help or support. It made me feel sad and I wondered is this why there are so many suicides and mental health issues are some people not able to get this or just scared as it is scary to loose total control of your mind to get stuck in a dark place trying to swim to the top feeling so, so alone even when your loved ones are there for you, watching caring so much for you, you don’t care!!! You just want this shit to stop happening and you start to get anxious about getting anxious. As the frustrating thing for me is I have a great life and family, loving husband two beautiful kids who are growing up everyday, so caring and understanding if mum is struggling with tiredness/sadness just crying for the sake of it also being angry at times for random simple things which is not me, when the wave comes that’s how I explain IT you just want it to stop and all those important beautiful things in your life feel like you are not worthy of having as honestly you feel like a freak and so alone, you get angry – you just want the craziness to stop/end at times this can take from 1 hour to 4 hours afterwards you just feel exhausted like you have run a marathon.

I started meditation after having the first few waves, it worked just changing your mind giving it a direction or I’d ring a loved one who would say just breathe because it’s like you forget how to function you do actually loose control and when your in this state you want to be alone, yet your screaming for help but so embarrassed of how low as a person you feel, don’t want anyone to see you this way and just feel weak and utterly useless. I wanted to write as well, at times I couldn’t even function to write in my journal, just holding a pencil took so much energy, there were times that I did write it was like therapy I was getting out what was in my mind onto words I will upload this in time I just want to step everyone through the process of this thing called anxiety as one word is equal to a lot of craziness I’m hoping that my words will help others, will help our future loved ones as there is so much pressure these days to be what!! Happy and content with your life what are our goals really at times the goal posts are pushed to wide we just can’t fit enough in, we are so so busy that we forget to smell the roses as such just be happy for the basics we have our loved ones, live in a nice environment, health is massive these days as well.

I just needed to get this off my chest – I have pretty much been anxiety free for 2 weeks there are people out there that deal with this everyday, I’m hoping my words will help and make others understand just how complicated and crazy and controlling your mind is. It’s the little things that can make a huge impact, if you sense someone isn’t right ask them are they okay or just randomly tell someone if they look nice or they are having trouble help them or tell them how great they look, don’t assume they have been told already connect with people/friends/loved ones or just help someone that needs help the after effect is amazing.

I have had probably the best week this week in terms of health and happiness, I’m very proud of myself on Thursday I have not had chocolate for 2 weeks which for me is massive as it’s my go to, the funny thing is I haven’t been craving it, if I want something sweet I normally have some watermelon even have had Cadbury dark chocolate in the house people have been eating it in front of me I don’t even have the desire for it, just blows me away how powerful the mind is.

I seem to be forming a pattern with my writing I’m noticing around Day 3 I’m missing this time for me to get my thoughts out of my head share them with my loved ones, I just enjoy writing it makes me happy knowing that words can change perception of others. It’s not all gloom and doom as yesterday was such a happy day for me I wanted to share this to give others hope.

We all went to Newcastle yesterday, I had woken early prebooked online movies the kids and I were going to see Despicable Me 3 we went to the Cinema on King Street which I loved there was only one other family in there so we had the pick of the seats it hasn’t been done up so it had the charm appeal, we all loved it, the movie was great so happy lots of music we laughed a lot the three of us, we wandered around the old mall after, there are painted artworks along the way the kids wanting their photo taken was so nice, I really love just hanging out doing basic stuff, feeling lucky that life is good, to enjoy these moments, love having chats to other people randomly I think of dad a lot as he was like that I can see how it made him feel, I also know this is teaching my children life lessons to treat people with kindness this will then be repeated onto yourself, most of the time.

Thursday was a great day as well, I had my various appointments my psychologist was very happy with how much progress I had made from my last visit, so I am going back to her basically if required in a month so this was very rewarding to hear this.

So I have a beautiful family, my husband who just gets me and even though he was frustrated because he couldn’t fix me, wouldn’t give up on me, for me the turning point was when one day I just had enough was over the shit, we had a fight over me wanting comfort in social outing I lost it, I was already being controlled by my mind, then the person who I adored wanted to control me even more I was shattered felt like a little kid, it took me to another level, I know he just cares for me wants the best for me I need comfort in others I crave this it’s part of me who I am, so I went from being angry to being uncontrollably out of my mind 1 to 10 within a few seconds felt like I couldn’t breathe, I just wanted out – normally this would be in my head screaming at me, today was a turning point it came out which this thought is silent protected so there is no judgment from your loved ones deep down you know they aren’t normal if this comes out it changes everything, well it did come out I was over this shit!!! I’d had enough I didn’t want to be here no more, it was just too much and I was so fucking tired, no one knew how this felt I just felt alone/useless and could just sleep forever, wanted to be with my dad, I’m sure there would be peace where he was.

My husband realised just how bad I was at that moment, for me if he had walked out the door and gone to work I don’t know what would of happened I couldn’t calm down I was crying and crying my mind had taken me to a place where I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t get my head above the water, Leo my beautiful cat sensed I wasn’t right came and sat with me in the same room, my husband refused to go to work, I had an appointment with my psychologist that day as well he was coming, that to me was the best thing he did hearing from another person a professional made him realise I wasn’t right that this was serious and my mind had control. As hard as this was, for him to see this, the guilt I felt and the shame it was the first step for me to say out loud I’m worthy I will get through this I am loved.

I woke this morning knowing I’m coming back I had a big day yesterday woke early worked all day came home didn’t really stop till around 830 pm wasn’t exhausted or angry with the kids to get to bed never stressed about feeling buggered no voices was raised at all, the kids were pleased to see me as I hadn’t seen them all day so happiness all round, maybe two weeks ago I would come home just buggered would say to kids mummy just has to have a nap to get me through they would understand totally then this power nap of 30 mins would get me through till around 9 pm when I was still tired would get angry and frustrated go to sleep exhausted still. Just the relief to know I’m getting energy back, that heavy feeling gone just makes me smile.

Looking back I have been through quite some emotions it really started after loosing my two loved ones I was just so sad it’s the hardest thing to loose someone so close to your heart to loose two people was like double whammy, your always in denial they will get better, this is just a hump in the road of life, it’s not their time to go so maybe we have more time.

No one has really said this is final, there is always hope for more time, so pretty sure we set our minds at ease with these thoughts so we remain strong for those who need it, then when the time comes you loose those love ones you let down that barrier of hope and all emotions just come rushing out, is this what we call grieving I don’t know, so that’s what happened to me felt like a double whammy, I couldn’t hide my sadness I cried a lot, was angry at times, struggled with how life could be so cruel, I had to be strong though as I will still a mum, didn’t want the kids to see me sad all the time, yet I just felt exhausted like I could sleep forever, I struggled to be around my own mum as I couldn’t keep myself together realising that keeping my distance from her was the best for both of us as I just upset her even more, I wasn’t happy felt weak my siblings seemed so much stronger then me why couldn’t I just keep my shit together and be strong, it hurt that I couldn’t spend time with mum I realised though it was for the best and would touch base with my sisters as often as I could to make sure mum was okay as I knew my sadness wasn’t helping her we were both so similar with emotions I would only bring her down.

So I got on with my life as best as I could, I had my husband as well who was trying to get over loosing his mum, he had lost his father when he was 19 so I had to consider he was suffering as well now, I knew his family was suffering with the shock I felt bad that I was sad as well yet I still had mum they didn’t have anyone but themselves so I felt guilty for being sad and torn at the same time.

So many changes had occurred the kids had started a new school so was adjusting to this, was always concerned about this.

I just loved my work as it kept me distracted, there was always change and challenges so this was good for me.

I was always tired, I just kept pushing through, everyone is busy I just have to keep doing what I do, this is normal – I’m just going through grieving process be strong, I wish I was strong I was just getting through this started to become normal way of thinking just get through, don’t feel guilty for being tired all the time, I didn’t.

As part of my health requirements to get well again my Chiro Little Sprouts has put me on a 3 week eat whole foods so this will assist in my adrenal fatigue as I’m learning a lot about gut health and it really is amazing how much with what types of food you eat effects your overall health, I had already started experimenting with gluten free with some foods so wasn’t surprised after being tested that I’m gluten intolerant as this is connected with auto immune issues and when I was pregnant especially with my first pregnancy I got lupus also with second pregnancy just didn’t get as exhausted probably as I was so busy my mind got distracted, this both led to them being born very small as my placenta started to deteriorate so they both were born at 38 weeks, my first child ended up being emergency caesarean and my second wasn’t as stressful she just had to come out around the same time which was okay just that we were living in Mudgee I’d come over for my check up at Maitland my Specialist advised that my baby had to come out that evening so my husband was called at work to get here which was at least 3 1/2 hours away, he made it – I still remember Mum saying that’s enough for you, I don’t think your body could cope with another pregnancy we were just so lucky to have two healthy kids I agreed as well, it knocked me about and pretty sure that’s where my body had gone into shock then using up excess serotonin which then started off my depression or post natal depression. Which brings me to my outcome of 2 and a bit weeks of eating only whole foods.

Well I was very proud of myself yesterday, was eating only whole foods for the last two weeks which hasn’t been easy, I’ve been lucky though as I could still have eggs which is my saviour just love them and poached eggs are the best just taste so good.

I just had to find alternatives to what I was used to, I could still have coffee so that was okay, I think it was the sweetness that I was missing as not so much the coffee or the social aspect of it.

Real Foods was what I was eating couldn’t have gluten, lactose, casein as well as oats/rice/whey so preparation was a big thing and being organised.

Finding alternatives was my first step, the first three days I had a migraine I was determined though if this was going to make me feel better I can do this, so I just pushed through of cause I still had pain relief as head aches can effect you to the point that you can’t really function feel like your in a fog sometimes even sleep is a challenge I’ve had enough over the years that if I don’t have something in the early stages can last for two days of crap, so always make sure pain medication is on hand.

So I couldn’t have rice, at the time I was like okay that’s cool wasn’t till I started looking on the ingredients of most foods that rice is one of them.

I got through, for breakfast I would have chopped up nuts with dates with a coconut custard purée looked like mush it tasted okay, I would also have a egg on home made naan bread which was a combination of cashew crushed and tapioca flour, that was my bread for me, if I was peckish I could spread natural peanut butter with chicken and walnuts on it for lunch, eating whole foods I didn’t get hungry during meals or have the high low slumps whether it was this the combination of going off my sleep medication I def felt more energised.

I am also on supplements daily I’m having B6/Zinc/Magnesium in liquid form as well as proxan to balance out my serotonin. So really am starting to feel good.

I just want other loved ones to know this is just how our body copes at times with shock, it’s purely a coping mechanism – we don’t go out chasing for it, mental health just happens – you can’t fight it you just need to understand once you have something like this happen, your still normal you just need assistance in balancing out this and if taking medication helps then that’s great better to be happy then struggling to be happy.

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