My Mind Health – 21 November 2018

Understanding Depression, I’m hoping with me just writing this will help others. Not only does this mind health effect the person who has it, it also effects the loved ones that are looking from the outside trying to help and comfort.

Which is frustrating for everyone as you feel helpless that you just want to make the other person happy and you start to blame yourself or not blame maybe judge that you could be doing more.

It’s not easy to take the step of getting help, the thing is and I know as I’m living with depression it slowly slides into your mind then all of a sudden it can drag you down ever so quickly that it scares you personally of how control is lost and you just are exhausted, your so tired that you can’t sleep, it’s like a viscous cycle, nothing seems to work you don’t enjoy the simple things or pleasures so you really struggle to relax, your tense all the time, you feel like your on the edge, it’s very tiring and you hate that you are being controlled, that you can struggle to do simple things like making a decision, this was always hard for me, especially food I was hungry just didn’t know what I wanted then I’d get annoyed by being frustrated in the end once I did decide I was over it and didn’t enjoy eating. That’s just a little glimpse of what you feel like when your mind takes control, it’s a constant battle with yourself.

So I was reminded this morning and I knew it was too good to be true, a lovely migraine has woken me up so all the self doubt comes rushing in what have i done differently was it my food, did I have something that I shouldn’t of, did I not drink enough water, did I do too much the list goes on then my mind goes into overdrive reminding me that it was too good to be true the pain will eventually come back you can’t have it this good forever, scratchy head comes back I’m frustrated oh well it is what it is, get over yourself and just move on.

So I’m hoping that writing this will ease the pressure and whether it’s the pain medication kicking in I’m feeling less, the hardest part I find is when you take the tablets yep you’ve caved every time you feel guilty for being dependent on these tablets I should know though the longer you leave it the worse it gets, you want to be superwoman and push through unfortunately your mind doesn’t agree and your fighting a loosing battle and it’s happened so much that I think just maybe this time might be different, it never is, it just increases to the point that you just want it to end and you go from being so good to just taking too much as you are beyond caring you just have lost this battle so then your outcome is brain fog for the next day or so which you just feel disconnected like your a hundred miles away, it is what it is, the pain has gone my feet are scrunchy and irritable, no pain now the wave has come and disappeared just like that, how easy we forget pain, just makes me feel for others that live with this on a daily basis, can’t be easy life isn’t easy though challenges all the time the goal posts just change.

And just like that, you can be on cloud 9 living life then all of a sudden your lovely mind health rears it’s ugly head the dark side that you so easily forget exists and everything is hard just to do normal things is a challenge, as you know I woke with a migraine so I did the right thing took medication so then I took my anti depressants as well, whether it’s the double up of a whole lot of medication being thrown into myself, just to get the kids ready for school was an effort this morning, I haven’t felt like this in a long time I was up to week 2 no migraines so I’m thinking this must be pay back for having two whole weeks of bliss, yes that’s what it was I totally felt like me again, even mentioning out loud that I don’t feel like I have depression anymore, I just felt wonderful, there was just the inkling of don’t feel too good as this has happened before you know then everything goes downwards really quickly, so I’m lying here just processing what state I’m in, trying not to overthink my thoughts or blame myself, I’m just going to be kind to myself today, just try and get through, not over do things just breathe have my tools in place and take one step in front of the other.

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