So I’m just going to document today what I do to help me get through, I’m making myself have food/drink as it’s a challenge today, I know that I just have to keep pushing through, so my cat beautiful Leo is staying close to me, they can sense your emotions animals are soo good for calming you, just their presence is comforting I’ve always had animals in my life. As I’m typing I have the radio going listening to music to keep my mind from straying. I’m still playing tugowar with my mind I’m just out for attention!! stuff this, I can be judged if this helps others who cares, just to actually try and communicate or text is an effort, it’s true the mind is so powerful it takes control of simple tasks making them a test. So, I’m back to scratch with all my regular routine I have in place my head is scrunching that’s how I describe this as it hasn’t been like this for so so long and you forget the feeling, my toes are irritable, I’m okay though as it is what it is. I dragged myself out of bed which was a real effort, it took a couple of gos it’s the constant mind battle of get over yourself just move, so I did after having a cry with Leo looking at me knowing that I was struggling today. I got the washing and just tried to ground myself with having feet on bare ground trying to feel natural texture to help me be distracted.
So face mask on, as if you feel good on the outside it will flow through to the inside, it’s amazing the mind set what can do.
I flick through my confidence book, just trying to tackle the self doubt that my mind is giving me.
Sort of working, just trying to distract my mind pattern of thoughts, then I have my oil that I rub in the right areas so I’m doing everything that I can to make my life easier today. I just want others to know how this really is, and it’s scary as you don’t know when the next wave of heaviness is coming or how long it’s going to last.
Just staying on task is a battle, I’ve got my list just get through one thing at a time, and the emotions I’m angry at the moment no one can judge someone or tell them to harden the f… up if you haven’t been in this place, it’s not like we chose this personally we are always feeling judgement especially the words mental health really bothers me it is so labeled incorrectly. There are so many illnesses under that umbrella no wonder others living with mind health struggle to seek help, they are feeling categorised in such the wrong category.
I’m so passionate about mind health it breaks my heart when I here of others struggling, if my words of real ness can help one person then stuff judgement bring it on.
So now I’m on the self doubt path, did I bring this on myself, have I just overdid things and this is payback for achieving my goals, who knows it’s hard not to go through the what have I done to have my mind health rear it’s dark side, just I have been doing everything right, so am I just deserving of this, do I just need to be reminded that it’s part of me, don’t forget it, just lays dormant waiting for a chance to sneak back ever so cleverly.
I got through today, wasn’t easy I felt disconnected, just doing what I could which was minimal I ended up not being able to do my normal Wednesday appointment, I knew I couldn’t so the guilt kicked in, I slowly got things done and am lying here now ready for sleep. Hoping I don’t wake with the same pain as what I had today.