Today is the day I lost my dad three years ago, I have struggled with life since this day it does get a little easier each year I still miss him and wish he was here with us.
I don’t know what happened and I’m still trying to work this out and it pains me to feel I have lost a piece of myself that I will always try and get back without myself even knowing that I loose myself each time.
I wish I wasn’t like this where I loose myself to the craziness of not knowing or coping with life, I was so good for a while I was achieving my goals feeling great, then a trigger snuck in and took me back down where I was struggling to keep my head above the life I wanted full force different to the last sign so no telling it was happening again.
I had all the emotions with exhaustion being the hardest wanting to just sleep forever, having my lovely family caring for me as once again I was loosing myself to this lovely mind health.
I’m not going to let this beat me, it’s hard though to remain positive, I know I’m not alone accepting that this is what it is, not feeling guilty for giving it a go not blaming myself for here we go again, I told you so, explaining once again to my loved one that I don’t mean for this to happen that I try and do everything right, try to be me again, why not I used to be able to do all this stuff have more go in me, why not !! I loved having responsibility yes it was more then I realised I felt whole again, to voice out defeat wasn’t easy I did what was best for everyone.
I know others think I’m weird or brave for writing this journey, there is the attention seeking thoughts that go through my mind, I want others to know how much this mind health effects all parts of you not just the mind, physically what it does the control you loose, the hope that can be torn away the uselessness of who you are, it seems to come back in a force stronger each time trying to wear me down I don’t see it which scares the crap out of me I wish I could it’s just so smart.
You can be doing everything right, still finds you it just hovers in the background.
Well I’m not going to let this beat me, if I can share with others what is real if I loose others that don’t understand, they will eventually understand as this is something that is happening so frequently you hear it everyday we just need to be real for the next ones the loved ones the closeness the doors that have opened to me makes me smile as this is helping others I know this.
Today won’t be easy, every time I think of my dad Henry I will smile as he always looked at the positive side of life was never angry just had a sparkle in his eye Oh so humble I am proud to be his eldest daughter I feel like he is still with me, he had the most amazing heart, bigger then anyone’s due to his illness this reflected the beauty he saw in life he loved fishing it was his passion whether it was the peace of being near water the calmness it was part of him.
Love you dad, I still hear your voice and the smile in your eyes.