From Dark to Light

Sunday 17 February 2019

Just got back from a run with my Rosie girl, it’s not easy running and I’m not a fast runner, it does wonders for my head space. This morning the air is cooler I definitely am not as exhausted as last Sunday, that’s for sure.

Today is a new day, new beginnings, I attended a workshop yesterday yep got out of my comfort zone, it was great, met such lovely likeminded people, for me it’s just connecting and talking to others that I love, we all learn from each other, I know when you read this you must think gosh she really does share her inner thoughts, I just think we are all so busy caught up in our own lifes why not let others see the real ness of every day to day of where I’m at in a non invasive way, you have a choice you don’t have to read this, there is no pressure, if there was then that wouldn’t work for me as that’s what I’m not about.

So everyone has struggles or hardships going on, I’m excited for the future, there is hope in the air.

Let me just paint you a picture of what I feel nearly every morning as I wake up, my alarm goes off at 6 am sometimes it wakes me other times I’m awake before it, I just lie there willing myself to start moving, it’s hard work I actually feel like I’m going against a force, everything is an effort and my mind is going a 100 miles an hour, I want to get through tasks just simple ones like getting kids up, giving them breakfast, feeding the animals, getting ready for work it’s like I’m in slow motion and motivation is like running a marathon, I’m trying to do one thing and my mind wants me to be doing 10 things, that’s just the start.

I’m frustrated, I know I can do these things it’s just I have this heaviness that is weighing me down.

We are all doing our best and life is a journey that we need to enjoy, so I try and trick my brain each morning that today is a new beginning I am doing my best, that’s honestly all we can do.

That was Sunday, this is today Wednesday and I’m lying here wishing I was normal to a degree, not liking that I am challenged not everyday just some days.

I should be proud, yesterday a wave came and I got through this by myself, yes the waves that are trying to bring me down, I have this part of my mind which is saying to me just walk away, I fight this I keep saying to myself it’s not going to beat me as I’m loosing that part of confidence.

I hate that this is what has become of me, I feel like I’m weak and I’m embarrassed of what this does to me.

So the reason why I’m saying I’m proud as I walked back into the room and just didn’t care that I looked like crap, you can tell if you look at me, I just put on my earplugs and listened to a podcast to zone out the sensitivity of the situation, I knew I had to change my mind state, I was determined it may have thought it had me, I’m not going to let this win. Believe me it’s trying to bring me unstuck, so I just put practices into place, to stay focused, I wrote down each step I needed to do to get to the end result, I know this sounds over the top it worked, just simple things like normally my brain would work these out for me, not at the moment, it’s all over the place, it’s like doing one thing is an effort, so I know I can do it, it’s like my brain has lost the path of organising my way of thinking, doing one thing that normally I could do so easily is a real challenge, I’m really starting to feel how difficult it must be for others, it breaks my heart as I now know this.

Another deep breath well I’ve offloaded what is in my headspace it seems a little lighter, it’s knowing now that I just have to push through the waves just keep moving, I am determined to beat the frustration, someone has to show others there is hope.

Remember today is a new day, new beginnings, don’t be blue x

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