From Dark to Light

Saturday 9 March 2019

Tiredness has taken over quite a bit today, one of the side effects with my Neurofeedback that I’m experiencing is headaches, that’s cool I know it’s going to take time for this to have my goals achieved, which are to have more energy, little achievable goals.

This week has been pretty good, I am feeling a lot lighter trying to not feel like everything has to be done yesterday.

Being gluten free is something now that I live with and is quite do-able, I realised last night that it’s still quite unknown to others that if I have just one crumb that it can set everything I work so hard for to come crushing back down, the effects I receive if I have gluten plays havoc with not only my gut but my whole body, all my depression symptoms come back, the emotional person living on the edge, the paranoia of I’m not good enough at my place of work, the fatigue of just having the energy to breathe and put one foot in front of the other, the guilt of feeling like you can’t be you, the shaking of your loosing your shit to just get through, so when this happens you mind goes into overdrive, you blame yourself for bringing this on and you feel self deserving of the existence that you have created, it’s a battle.

I don’t think others realise what this super glue in food can cause, so every time I have this crumb the effect of these symptoms are magnified, I can be starving my family can be having KFC chips, I google if there is gluten, I’m learning what are my go too’s I can still have good tasting food I just can’t have wheat, it’s a learning curve everyday I’m teaching my kiddies educating them that what you put in your bodies can effect your mind as well as your health, little steps, taking time to cook things from scratch, knowing what is in the food we eat, less processed, Mind Health is becoming a huge concern, you don’t have to run kms to get the good endorphins for us today was going for a run walk with the best views the ocean, the turquoise crystal clear water, looking down seeing the oceans floor feeling grateful of the beauty in our life’s, my wonderful family that we connect with any given chance, I maybe in a fog at times this brings clarity to what life is all about, being in the moment.

I’m listening to my body more these days as well, if I’m tired I sleep, I don’t push myself to have late nights, am noticing this especially with starting Neurofeedback as you realise your brain controls everything in your body, so with my neuropaths being retrained I’m putting different strains on my organs, I have had low blood pressure now for years, and my heart beats slower then average, I have a theory that because my brain is in sleep mode majority of the time, so I’m tired all the time, that during the day this is why I’m fatigued as I’m trying so hard to get through that at times I feel like I have a handbrake on, you know your own body I believe this is why I was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea a couple of years back, that when I stop I literally can fall asleep within a short time, which has been embarrassing and frustrated for my husband.

It is all starting to make sense, why if I have a big day I’m exhausted the next, if I run of a morning even just a little run of less then 5 kms I’m exhausted that afternoon, that I have to preplan my days to not overdo things as it can just exhaust me literally that I can’t be me.

Educating, learning is what inspires me to share this to hopefully get others to these end goals without having to navigate through so many unknowns or what ifs, to not spend years searching for knowing that something is just not right, that you have this gut feeling that this is the path you are on and it’s your destiny to share everything as raw, scary, dark, real that is you, that you could loose your dignity or friendships as others don’t really get you, think your wanting attention, that you should f’en harden up, if only they knew what this was like, they wouldn’t be quick to judge.

Just thought I’d share a piece of my inner thoughts I’m all out of whack with my sleep as I go to sleep at times with the kids then wake up to write what is going on in my inner mind in the early hours of the next day.

Everyday is a new day, don’t be blue, love whatever path you are on, it defines you as a person.

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