From Dark to Light

Tuesday 9 April 2019
I’m not angry anymore, I was though today so now I’m cranky at myself for getting worked up over something that I shouldn’t.
The only thing is I care about my self worth, I always do my best I know it’s not personal I get this it still takes me back to that thought process that I’m not good enough, it’s hard not to, all the effort you put into a role just seems not appreciated, I’m still angry !! Trying to deep breathe out of this state of mind, I’m ashamed at where my thoughts are embarrassed I just start crying when I try to overcome this.
It’s bloody hard to remain positive, no one knows the feeling of is this worth it, life just puts these challenges on my path, I’m so sick of the control or lack of, I’m just so angry, I haven’t had this feeling in a long time I’m cranky with myself mostly of being this blubbering mess believing that I have this right to expect that I can get better.
Hope !! There still is, I am playing this tug of war with my mind and it’s breaking me, I wish I was stronger.
I can’t get out of this state, I’m pathetic I’ve just got to get over myself to get back to Me, I have to just keep moving, come on push past the negative thoughts that are trying to take over, I’m still angry I’m snuffling my cheeks are feeling strained I’m just going to not think little of me, try remain positive to a degree, my head is crumbling I feel like concrete is weighing me down, my old brain paths are still trying to take control, will just keep breathing, to focus on this, if I can just stay out of this moment of helplessness, try to get back I’m exhausted now, I’m so disappointed in myself, self worth is still playing a role in my mind.
Change your mind, this worked for me, I put my emotions into a video demonstrating how to use a certain product, it got me out of that state of self worth, even made me laugh at myself, my head hurts as I used up so much energy before trying to keep it together, I’m okay though, don’t want to cause a train wreck hey Dad, just stay on this track without getting bumped so forcefully next time.
I’ve gone within myself, I’m trying not to let it get to me unfortunately my mind is hurting and I’m angry I’m stuck in this angry mode which isn’t helping, I wish I could just change it, I’m trying don’t get me wrong, I’m just going to breathe, will do yoga this morning to get out of this path, stop with the poor me crap, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, just do my best I guess, get through the struggle of my mind health, be strong, don’t let this Define me in anyway shape or form, just keep breathing.
I put myself out there I really don’t get much acknowledgement, are people too scared to contact me, are they thinking I’ve gone mad that if they like something that they might be crossing that line, we are so caught up in the craziness of trying to achieve what?? I really don’t know at times, life lessons is what I teach my children everyday, it is really concerning how we want our children to be the best they can be. Yet we really are missing the real connecting of them, we are in a constant war with technology the battle is real, the platforms they are on is really exposing them loosing the simplicity of what life should be.
Thursday 11 April 2019
Reflecting from yesterday I was in such a state that I couldn’t control my mind, things that normally wouldn’t bother me did, took me to another level that wasn’t me, my head hurt all day, I was still emotional to the point if I went back to those thought processes I could feel all the emotions flooding out, I just struggled with normalisation the Megan that is pretty cruisey turned into the scary Megan that could go from pleasant to angry to sad to I’ve lost myself let’s just go within myself to deal with what the f is going on in my state of mind. All my depression feelings were flowing back, it scared the crap out of me, my feet are tingling as I write tear rolling down my cheek, it’s going to take some time till Myself resurfaces.
Having my Neurofeedback session yesterday confirmed how fragile my brain is at the moment, that triggers from my depression can still come through as my new neuropaths are still under construction, that my old paths are still there hiding in the background waiting for any chance to jump through onto my current neuropath that are still getting constructed.
Confirming everything I was going through made sense, which bought relief, my head still hurt, I was exhausted with emotions.
My actual brain training reflected the difficulty I was having, normally the birds come up pretty easy on the screen in front of me, not today it was hard work, the old paths were really putting up their walls not letting my new paths through, it really was a battle, confirming that I just need to be kind to myself the next few days why I find the pleasant Megan returning.
My Hubby is my rock, he keeps me grounded, I’m so lucky that he can drive me to these sessions hear from my psychologist exactly why I am the way I am at times, just be with me to get through this battle. At times I can’t explain what I’m going through, I can see the frustration the hurt I have so much going on internally as the brain controls everything that to articulate this, I just can’t, I’m still in repair mode I am learning that there are different parts of our brain that determine exactly how we think, while having this training sessions I’m going into areas where my thought processes are hard to explain frustrating Mark, like planning I can’t forward think, I go within myself like I’m here but I feel I’m a hundred miles away, emotions or physical connecting is hard work, like it’s the last emotion on my functioning list that by the time I’m up to it I can’t perform this.
Also, I look normal you can hide the craziness that is happening within, it’s like I need a beacon that flashes to warn others as it gets brighter, let’s people know I’m in a state probably just treat me with care, that anything can set me off, where normally I am strong. I am constantly reminding my hubby that I’m struggling with what I can’t articulate, the frustration is real I see in his eyes that he just doesn’t get it, until your here I guess you wouldn’t, so writing all this is I’m hoping helping others to understand this illness, to help the frustration.
Friday 12 April 2019
I did yoga last night, I’m really finding the zen probably what I’ve tried to get over the years, I can do it at home there is no excuse, this really does change my state of mind, my head stopped hurting after I did my night time session, I definitely felt lighter.
I’m awake early today, there is no excuse it’s a new day, with a healthy start I’m going to enjoy life again, especially after the struggle I have been under.
Don’t be blue, confidence is coming back, slowly, one tingling foot in front of the other.
So yoga is amazing for me, I just had to do this again prior to work, during this session my brain started to compromise, the last few days there was no compromise so I knew I was getting better.
I still had a sore head, just pushed past this, I aired my concerns which isn’t easy, felt uncomfortable, knew though I just had to, then felt angry for where I was, even though it was part of my recovery events just all fell together causing the chaos that consumed me for a few days, so in relieved that I’m back as it was exhausting.
Sunday 14 April 2019
Calm is how I’m feeling, after having a great walk yesterday to help a local cause, the beauty that was in front of me while we walked was amazing, from sunrise the views were spectacular, I took the time to stop smell the roses, not push through missing little snippets of paradise, there was activity in the water with bait fish causing ripples, dolphins also making their presence known, towards our first stop I could feel the heat of the sun on the back of my neck, couldn’t ask for better weather, this is such a great thing to do.
All the angst that I had during the week dissolved, the old Megan was back, just happy with life, chatting to random people, quality time with loved ones, I can’t explain how good I was feeling the views now matched how good I was feeling. I’m excited for the future, yes there are lows with pain, just push through it’s not a walk in the park, I get this, if I shared how easy this journey was I wouldn’t be real, I always have in the back of my mind this is helping my children as well, don’t let them down.

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