From Dark to Light

Saturday 4 May 2019

Lovely anxiety is back and I don’t know why, I’m just trying to breathe through, distracting my mind it is what it is, crazy how I haven’t felt this way for some time I am trying not to go into overdrive thinking too much, it’s really hard to control these urges, I’m on the verge of loosing my sh.. I can do this overcome the craziness of what my mind is trying to do.

Another deep breathe, I have to be real explaining this I’m doing everything right having my medication still, all my supplements (vitamin Bs, zinc and magnesium) eating gluten free, it really can get to you when you have one of these waves, I just have to keep moving, not overthink I have a issue today though I’m overcoming a lower back injury so this isn’t helping my movement, just keep breathing, will eat something now to try and contain this jittering mess I am at present.

Yoga comes to the rescue, breathing it out, this has helped just bring me out of this state of mind, even just a quick 15 minutes eases the irrational thoughts.

I got through the day, busy keeping distracted it’s not till around 4 pm the tiredness arrives, I’m okay with this.

I have hit a wall tonight, I haven’t been this exhausted for a while, it’s easy to forget this feeling of frustration I feel guilty not being able to do normal things.

I guess my recent Neurofeedback has exhausted me, I missed a week so whether this has caused this tiredness would make sense.

I listen to a audio book to relax, I just lie down hoping my energy will come back.

After an hour just lying with my big boy Leo cat I’m feeling better, just stopping having that time out has helped.

We all have good and not so good days, it just is what it is, communicate how your feeling so if you go within yourself others that care for you know your okay. It’s just as hard for the others watching or sitting beside you wanting to help if they know your struggling then they can just understand a little easier. X

Sunday 5 May 2019

Reflecting on yesterday while I’m lying in bed this morning, I realise I’m still on a journey that there will be times that aren’t going to be easy, I lack motivation to do anything, pushing myself as I know how much Rosie loves her run, I take her it’s not easy I’m going against the grind, I’m determined though to just keep going, I use my yoga breathing techniques, lean a little forward to make this easier. Listening to music helps as well, the air is crisp, I’m loving the cooler weather it’s refreshing.

When I return I do feel better for doing this exercise, even though I’m quite exhausted, I try not to sit too much today, just keep moving, doing little amounts to get things done, this helped it seemed to take the load off in my mind as well.

Wednesday 8 May 2019

I’m feeling good now, today was a struggle, I was determined though to get through, which I have.

Still got a little pain, it is what it is. With my 11th session of Neurofeedback I learn so much about myself and my brain, it’s so interesting knowing all these occurrences that are happening are in line with what stage I’m at with my Neurofeedback.

Any emotion that causes your brain to react or be alert is coming from the back part of your brain, so I was informed for me to be able to write while this wave of anxiety was happening is really good as my brains neuropaths have to go to the front part of the brain. So I’m self teaching the brain already.

So it’s true when you hear that writing is good when you’re got a lot going on in your head.

My Neurofeedback went well today, by the end of the 9 minutes I had great results.

I’m really tired now, struggling to keep my eyes open.

Thursday 9 May 2019

Had a shocker sleep, in my dreams I was everything that I’m not, at work I couldn’t get anything done, I was immature, cranky with fellow employees, it was the opposite to who I was as a person, when I awoke I was relieved it was a dream.

I was exhausted last night as you could tell how quickly I stopped, sometimes I can override this, not last night, I also have liquid melatonin to assist with my sleep, it’s the best.

So I’m feeling better then yesterday, I was fortunate that I didn’t have to drive, otherwise I would of missed my appointment.

So today is going to be a better day, I am confident within myself that I can only do my best, that’s really all anyone can do, as long as this occurs you take the pressure of having to be someone that you aren’t.

Honesty is something that truly has helped me to be the person I am, it’s such a good strength to be honest I just can’t be bothered with other stuff I really don’t have the emotional space, it actually exhausts me if anything, so with someone that has fatigue the less stuff I have to deal with the better. I also learnt this from my parents they were always relaxed, calm, happy people no real disharmony, we also lived out of town so we were sheltered, from this type of behaviour, thinking now probably explains why I went within myself at High School it was a shock to the system with all the different types of people, I was scared to be honest, I was picked on as well so that didn’t help, kids can be cruel without realising what they can do to someone.

That was then this is now, everything has changed I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t of travelled this journey, I am so excited for what lays ahead, you have to believe in yourself, your the only one that can achieve what you desire, be the best person you can be, don’t be blue.

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