Wednesday 22 May 2019
First day of an exciting adventure for our family, for some reason I was quite nervous last night, lots of emotions I guess it’s a family holiday for all of my family without my Dad Henry, he has popped up a lot lately in my dreams, randomly in videos that were taken when he was still alive, just hearing his voice brought tears to my eyes, just these words are bringing tears to my eyes, not so much the sad tears just emotional tears feeling loved and grateful to be in this position of life where all my family can go overseas to be together for a week enjoying each other’s company, yes lucky is how I’m feeling. There are emotions with this as growing up we did this trip when I was in Year 8 in High School.
So this is a big step for us, I’m super proud of my Mum for initiating this as it’s not easy holidaying when you did this when things were different to what they are now, maybe I’m excited deep down, just letting those feelings come up to the now which I guess are always still there they just keep buried in my heart distracted with the business of just being myself.
I’m coming up to another session of my Neurofeedback, I get excited knowing that this is my path back to myself, I’m already noticing differences in myself, don’t get me wrong there will still be off days that’s just part of life if everything was roses we wouldn’t appreciate the times when you feel the magic of these moments where just looking in front of you there is beauty everywhere, being a bird fly over, green rolling hills or just the sun setting with the sky pastel colours, it can be little things doesn’t have to be enormous that seems unrealistic, just what makes you smile at the end of the day.
Taking time to laugh is something we have been making an effort with trying to balance the constant juggle with electronics.
We play board games together which is something that helps your brain to still be in the mode of learning, instead of getting into the same pathways of screen watching. It’s making that effort to connect with people, having that one on one, healthy stimulation, educating our kids on the importance of having that face to face connection as I can already see how different they are as young teenagers to what we were, the platforms they have access to can change the perception of what is real.
This is the beauty of my writing, I can do it wherever I choose, I hope that I will still be able to write still when I have overcome my depression as this has been something that has helped clear my mind space when I felt full or cluttered within.
We all have our unique special gifts that’s what being an individual is, it’s our mould I truly believe this, if each of us can contribute to something little each day, sharing our knowledge of what we learn then this can give hope to others that could be needing this when they are at their lowest.
Believing in myself has been a journey in itself, I have others tell me I’m brave, I honestly don’t feel this way, I want to help others by sharing my inner thoughts of how real the struggle is, I have the little inkling of I’m just doing this for attention, there are others worse then me, does everyone assume that the other person will do this, so in the end nothing happens, maybe.
So with my tummy getting nervous I’m excited for life, I still get tired and that’s fine I am going to try live in the moments in the next few days, enjoy the serenity of where I’m at, listen more when I’m spoken to, do things that are out of my comfort zone, don’t be scared of sharks.
Bring on the beautiful blue with my special loved ones who mean the world to me x.
Just had my Neurofeedback session, everything I have mentioned regarding my new position with work is going as per my brain training, my articulation of processes, communicating solutions, being patient, not stressing, remaining on task, having confidence, not ruminating if can’t sort issue.
So it’s been a challenge for my brain to achieve all of these commands, it’s handled them well, if anything it’s improving with the new paths that have been created each week, with my Neurofeedback the paths that are under construction are being finalised so they are teaching my brain to remain on these paths, not go back to old pathways old habits.
Confirming this there have been times the last week where I could of easily gone back down the black negative hole and I haven’t, which means I’m coming out of my old pathways of those emotions, yes there will be times that events can trigger my self doubt I know that I will just be more aware hopefully just staying balanced.