From Brighter to Bright

Tuesday 9 July 2 am

I’m scared, why am I waking and just lying here, first thoughts are it’s okay I’m not working in the morning, then I realise no I am working in the morning.

If anything, I went to sleep earlier then normal, could this be throwing my body clock out, maybe.

No overthinking either, remember I am achieving what I never thought could possibly happen.

My mind was in a fog yesterday, I didn’t feel as though my flow was on as how it has been.

I guess set backs are going to come, it can’t just all be smooth sailing, there is a tiny part of myself that is just hesitant that my depression could somehow find its way back in, that my old ways could come back, where there is no flow, just stuck at times in one thought trying to move onto the next one, that does scare me, it also concerns me that I’m waking randomly at night for no real reason, it happened last night and here I am again waking randomly then just lying there trying not to overwhelm myself with what the frigg, I haven’t been in this position for a while.

There could be a number of reasons, I am reducing my medication so this could be throwing my sleep out, I didn’t exercise after work yesterday maybe I need this to exhaust my mind as well as body, the list could go on.

I’m going to sleep again now, I’m sure there is a practical explanation for this all, will try not to over think this, I could lie to myself and keep what has happened quiet, that to me is not being real, I’m not scared to share that this has happened, it can’t be all roses and flowing countryside, the battle is still being fought, it’s just not as hard or noticeable, I have to remember that I have been on this medication for over 10 years it’s going to have set backs slowly reducing this out of my system, it’s not going to be a walk in the park, it’s going to take time, not to speak to loudly or openly that I can change, just be careful to not get too ahead of myself.

Tuesday 9 July 6 am

I eventually fell asleep, it took more liquid melatonin, deep breathing, I felt all scrunched up at the time, I couldn’t seem to relax, it seemed to take forever, it is what it is, things are making more sense as I’m not having the flow effect at work, things I should know are taking more time to process again, it will be interesting when I have my next Neurofeedback Session if the medication decrease is why some of these habits are trying to rear their ugly heads.

So today is a new day remember, I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get me through, these are big changes that I’m going through, there will be back steps to get to the next front step.

I’m really consumed today, got the shakes up, my moods are a bit heightened I’m noticing this now I will just let those know that need to why I’m a bit edgy, makes sense when you think about I have been taking this pill to give my brain extra seratonin then I decrease this there are going to be adjustments, just don’t overthink this and realise that’s the reason why I’m feeling this way.

Wednesday 10 July 642 am

Reflecting on yesterday, my day only got better, I confirmed with my love one how I was feeling and he agreed with everything we discussed, knowing that made things okay, I got to see the Bisons again as they were up close to the road, there were two hot air balloons out up close then normal, I just listened more paid attention, the fog seemed to lift, I realised it’s going to take some adjustments, not to overthink and just keep progressing.

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