From Brighter to Lighter

Wednesday 24 July 2019

Tingling a bit today, nervous energy flowing through me, the house is quiet which is unusual, since the past three weeks have had my kids home.

Am a bit out of routine, feel like I need to empty my head of thoughts that have consumed me since Friday.

I forget how powerful the mind is, I need to speak my thoughts out loud then keeping them within as I am easily consumed which reminds me, yes I am getting better, don’t put pressure on myself to try to become something greater then I need to be.

As I do get these crazy thoughts of I can do anything, watch me go, having this illness you loose confidence in yourself so when you gain this back your mind wants you to challenge yourself into believing that you are limitless which can send you into a parallel of mixed emotions.

These emotions are hard to fight off, it is the hardest thing for me, it’s obviously the thing that stems from anything, I get into my head that I can fix everything, that I’m my own worst enemy for overthinking, it’s not easy to fight off these empowering thoughts it really does exhaust me.

To the point where a migraine can happen, then I go into the self blame of I brought this on myself, it still scares me how powerful the mind is how easily influenced me as a practical person can go off into these tangents of changing things to better my family.

It feels good being honest, I only verbalised this last night, bouncing all this off, rationalising the truth behind my ways, even though it hurts to be told what is painfully obvious.

So in getting back to where I was, out of the fog, I went for a run last night to let in some endorphins which obviously worked.

I have done Yoga this morning as well, steps to get back on track.

I was ashamed of what happened from Friday to yesterday, I just need to be content with where I’m at, be happy with the little highs not expect to over exert myself to something I truly never was.

I’m feeling lighter already offloading this, it’s amazing what can happen if you just keep being honest with yourself.

I know now that I just have to not overthink, be happy with where I’m at, try not to over achieve, just keep doing my best.

I need to tack on to the above collection of thoughts to why this all occurs, seeing this diagram in black and white made sense of why this occurred.

If you see the circle with the spaces in between this is my new neuropaths, my mind is like thinking I can do more as I’m in this neuropaths that I have my confidence back, with changes all the time, I can see others doing what should have been my role, so I’m still in my new neuropaths, I keep thinking then all of a sudden I get to a trigger point, this is where all of my previous self worth is questioned, why aren’t they asking me!! As you can see the old neuropaths then get intertwined I then go down this pathway, all my energy is sapped out of me, my mind is in overdrive trying to become unstuck as I’m now in process of all my emotions, I end up being so overwhelmed by something that I really didn’t need to process, I try and compensate, get more exhausted, can feel like I’m trying to do too much then end up with a migraine as I’m stuck, it’s hard work to get out of this pathway, I have the fog back, I’m so disappointed in myself for getting to this point of frustration, what I can say is it really helped me verbally talking with my Psychiatrist who then drew the drawing which made so much sense.

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