From Shining to Light

I wake this morning trying to figure out what happened yesterday, even last night the mention of my emotional state I could feel tears welling up.

It was out of my control, no matter how hard I tried to push those emotions away, nothing was working, it started with tears just rolling down my face, then anger, my self worth just detioriating right before my eyes, I was so ashamed and spent at the same time, for fright sake I’m in my forty’s and I’m getting upset like I’m a kid again, get over yourself, totally felt stupid and ridiculous.

I wish I could just be this person who didn’t have this emotional baggage, that I could just keep moving forward to not feel like I’m the one being judged, paranoia tries to take over, it plays with my mind, it can change you as a person that you don’t want to be and I hate it, I call this a life lesson, it’s the only way I can move forward, I am annoyed that I didn’t stay and just keep pushing through the wave, it confirms that I still have a long way to go in terms of self worth, I am embarrassed that I caused a fuss, I have always been one of these people who puts my heart and soul into my work, I can’t do it any other way, it’s stemming back I guess from early years where the black sheep came from where School wasn’t easy, the environment was harsh, I really struggled with my existence I wanted to be invisible, I was picked on for being so quiet, it really did effect who I was, I have since learnt that I wasn’t the only one, there were others going through lots of other issues, kids can be so cruel without even realising what they can do to someone’s esteem.

So for some reason I’m determined to not let this define me, I do feel like I ran away yesterday and I’m ashamed, I couldn’t tell my hubby this I just felt defeated, I just couldn’t stop crying, no matter how hard I tried, why??? I tried to change my mind thoughts at work listening to music zoning out, I feel like I’ve set a presidence for my work environment. That I’m the emotional freak who doesn’t like change, it is what it is the day was yesterday let’s move forward I have to, I just can’t dwell on these previous thoughts I have my Neurofeedback today, I will explain what happened yesterday my poor psychologist will be trying to work out what is going on, he maybe able to explain why this occurred, that everything that I’ve worked hard for was overtaken with emotions. I really lost my shit yesterday, my head took over the person I am, it broke all the barriers that I have kept up, I’m fragile now, emotional exhausted.

Taking a deep breath, yes that’s it breathe, I have to pull myself out of this poor me crap, just move forward, not dwell, just move forward, face the world, I can do this, nothing is going to bring me down, even writing this I have negative talk trying to overtake this, move forward, just one step in front of the other, I have these thoughts that everyone will be walking around me like egg shells, I am still struggling with the shame, this truly has effected me, I’m playing against happy and negative still trying to bring me down, I just have to keep moving, I know I’m not alone, doing this to show that I can’t be beaten, it’s hard I’m just going to do my best, hey.

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