From Bright to Bright

I haven’t had a night like this for a long time, it’s hard to not go into overdrive with the what the frog has caused this.

I love that instead of frig my spell check has corrected to frog.

Anyhow I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself, it’s hard though in these moments when you are stuck, feeling despair.

So I’m going to experiment and trick my brain into thinking that everything is alright that I’m just having a creative moment as I lay here wondering why am I awake at midnight, so there is still a twinge I get of self worth, I’m trying ever so hard to not let this bring me down.

It does help I’m not alone, my eyes well up with tears as these words hit the page.

I wish I could just be satisfied with where I’m at, not feel that I need more, that I can do better.

It’s like every time I start to think of change my mind knows and hits me with the unknown that throws me into utter confusion of how has this happened, am I just over doing it.

I should be feeling so happy with where things turned out, I’m still angry at myself for letting loved ones get to the dark place, it scares the crap out of me as I was so blahsay with just let this balance out, that this is just how it is, that you start to think having all the emotions connected with despair is normal.

I am lucky though that we have so many great support networks that it took one of them to acknowledge this that I realised the significance of what was really happening, it scares me now how dark it got the steps that were taken, prevention.

You know I think distraction is working I’m getting weary maybe the second dose of melatonin will knock me out to get some good deep sleep now.

Waking up now Thursday 26 September I couldn’t even write yesterday, everything was just hard, thinking was hard, staying on task was hard, basic stuff just hard.

Until then, no sleep came and I wasn’t capable of anything, the kids got themselves to School that was my own real task I had. Leo my big boy laid with me all day, he settled my frustration with his warmth and heaviness, he knew I wasn’t coping well at all….

Yesterday was a struggle, I can’t explain the feeling of being disconnected, just in a fog to be honest, I tried to sleep to get better it didn’t really work.

So I made the decision then that driving would not be safe either if I struggle to function with basic tasks at home I wasn’t going to risk this driving.

I’m lucky that I have such great support with all my professional businesses, they know that it’s not easy at times to make these appointments and support me with the decisions I make.

Even now I struggled with the flow of normality, oh well today is a new day, the real frustration is that I don’t know what caused this Migraine it is so frustrating if it was a gluten breach well that could be the only thing I can think of, I’m so good at not having any it confirms why I don’t have it.

Reflecting on yesterday I struggled with my triggers, the self worth tried to take over, to get through I just shared my thoughts with another, which helped it put things into perspective for me, I know I’m not alone, it got me out of my negative state to be productive.

To be honest I hate this feeling of not being satisfied, the why can’t I have that, I personally struggle, I was so wound up from my normal routine being tampered with that I just focused on what was in front of me, less distraction.

So today is another day, fresh start, I’m going to really set myself personal goals, I know I can do this, I really want to achieve.

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