10 October 2019
It’s important for me to be real with this life, so the first part is just this.
Deep breathes were what I took to get me going this morning, I wasn’t on the verge of loosing it, I knew it was a hump that I just had to get over.
The thing is even though I’m real about my depression, you can’t feel embarrassed by having this no ashamed because that’s exactly how you feel.
I can’t change this though, it is what it is I can’t undo the past, I can only move forward.
I knew deep down that there would be obstacles and being honest is the only thing that I can be, if your not you would always be looking over your shoulder wondering when they would find out the truth.
So it got easier today as the day went on, the more I verbalised my inner concerns the more it calmed my mind knowing it really was just a process, that I am doing everything to overcome depression, that if it’s meant to be it will happen.
So just making sure I did everything right was calming my nerves, last week my tummy talked nervously all week, just processing change or not having control wasn’t easy for anyone, mind you a good way to loose weight as I lost my appetite and was so consumed with change that it took me all weekend to gather myself back to the now.
I’m excited though, new challenges ahead, meeting new people gaining new knowledge, just beginnings of the unknown I am thrilled, bring it on.
Believing in yourself is something you just have to keep doing, if there are hurdles you can be challenged which is what this life is about, you have to make the effort to just do this.
I have had support with this whole process, which has definitely helped, just having check ins to make sure I’m okay makes a difference knowing your not alone.
Being honest always and trying to be a good person has helped me to move forward.
Not giving up on the things I believe in really has got me to a place where there is rainbows.
Today is special for me, it’s my Dads birthday, I see him everyday, whether it’s a willy wag tail or a pelican flying high, I smile knowing that I have been one of the lucky ones.
I’m lost for words at this moment, the last few weeks has been stressful with decisions that have been made.
I feel like now I’m coming out of the other side, learning from all the hurdles life throws at us.
You really appreciate how precious this is, when you see loved ones in a different stage that you never thought this would happen to us, that it makes you realise or puts things into perspective how the little things make such a huge impact on to take the time to checking with everyone.
And just on cue the black cookatoos are singing in the distance, reminding me how I love where I am at in this life.
The second part is how you can be struggling one week then say the next week your completely in a different place, as below explains ….
New Beginnings, I am definitely feeling really happy for where I’m at in life !!! Just being closer to home has made a huge difference so far on my life, knowing I can get the kids sorted for School and out the door is already a great feeling.
It’s funny the little things can make such a impact on your happiness.
I haven’t written for a while, lots of changes, occurred and I was so consumed with the processing of this that unfortunately my writing wasn’t really thought of, it was easier to express my emotions with live thoughts, now as I unload all these the lightness is making me feel good that I probably should of taken more time to write these down.
The good thing is I got through the testing times without going down the deep dark hole of helplessness if anything it felt good to be honest with why I was feeling the way I was, I realised that the more I spoke the truth the less heavy it felt, yes there was the tiniest of oh well it is what it is, I just thought in the end I’m here I can’t turn back time I’ve worked so hard for where I’m at, if this doesn’t work out go to plan B no biggie I’m healthy I have a wonderful family with beautiful friends in my life, life will go on the way it should.
The bonus was I missed two weeks of my Neurofeedback and I had my normal weekly session this week and everything in my brain’s neuropaths were still the same, I hadn’t slipped back at all and reverted to my older paths where this would take me to the unknown of loosing control, that was a great feeling to know you have really tested your brain’s pathways with some really emotional changes, that it still remained strong.
I also am still having my anti depressants daily not adjusting any dosage due to all the changes, it’s important to realise this that even though we may feel like we should be reducing our dosage, if there are other factors in life staying on the same dosage will help keep you on the same pathways.
I have learnt this the hard way, that everyone is different, we all are a different make so what might work for me mightn’t work for the next person.
So don’t feel obligated to do what others are doing, you have to do what is right for you the individual. Believe me as a Mother I now know just how precious changes can effect loved ones, it’s scary how quickly this can occur, you think your onto it, always be mindful that at times you need to listen to others.
This rose is just an example we have all yellow roses, one needed replacing so instead of getting a yellow one we chose a different colour one.
It’s good to do things out of the square x