28 October 2019
I’m feeling pretty good with myself, I’m really happy with where I’m at, I never thought just being closer to home would make such a difference, it has in ways that takes the pressure off myself.
So on a lighter note my head space has been not as deep and dark, if anything the complete opposite.
Does this mean there is an end to my writing, do I no longer need to share my thoughts with where I’m at, really not sure, if anything I felt lost on the weekend, having more time can make you think more.
Wednesday 6 November 2019
Its really important I believe to still keep updating everyone where I’m at, even though I’m going really well, there are others close to me who are not.
It hurts me to see this from the outside as I feel frustrated, I can see there is a struggle to want to be part of us, it’s like they go within themselves wanting to shut everyone out. I know this as that can happen, your mind is such a powerful thing it can change you without realising, so technology seems to be the only friend which scares me as it’s not real.
On a different note, I just yawned, sneezed and hiccuped at the same time, what a weird feeling that was, if something weird will happen it’s going to be done by me.
Back to seriousness, the technology does scare me, I can see an addiction, with both more so then one.
It’s getting to the point that they carry something with them at all times the FOMO, it’s the endless issue that my husband and I argue about kids with technology, we are always setting rules it’s a constant battle I feel there is no real switch off unless they have devices out, we are all starting the no device free time, it’s all of us not just the kids, I’m hoping with a joint effort that we get back some normality into the house, that we can all sit together as a family and just do things, that it becomes effortless not a chore.
I can see the hurt it causes, it makes me cry, it makes me as a parent feel useless, that we both feel responsible.
We are working on this, we have night time covered for one just got to get the other sorted, excuses are made that can’t sleep unless they have a audio book on their device to listen to, we will look at other options as there could be more then audio book being played.
So that’s where my head is with issues, it does feel good to just offload this, I have been so consumed with my new work life, I love it, the best decision to start fresh, new beginnings everything just worked out and I feel so grateful as cheesy as this sounds. Not without hard work and effort, it was like a decision was made in my mind, I knew for me personally moving forward I had to put myself and my family first. It wasn’t easy, it took a lot of strength, yes that’s the word, to walk in and speak my worth, it felt good at the time, afterwards I wanted to hide away coming to terms with what I had done.
I guess the important thing to take from this is, I put my self worth first, it was my first step in getting out of the old and onto the new.
If you want to get better and triggers were always going to be there out of my control I had to start fresh, it hurt to get out of my comfort zone there was a tugger-war if this is going to take effort do I really want to take the plunge? There were signs though that confirmed I was on the right track and as much as I loved my work family with all my heart, this was for the best, this was for me to start the new me, show others that if you put the work in to make life better for yourself it will happen. You do have to put the effort in, it won’t come to you.
I spent hours fine tuning my skills of applying for jobs, literally hours !! I hadn’t applied for a job for nearly 15 years as I had been with the same Company since my late 20s I learnt a lot, it wasn’t smooth sailing I was determined though, we are the only ones that can change our destiny, no one else can, you really have to just keep doing what is right for yourself.
So this is where I’m at, just a quick snapshot of my current state of mind.