December – Mixed Bright Lights
Where I’m at, this is what I like about my creative time, it’s my time, there is no pressure only on myself which is great, I do feel a little guilty that I haven’t had my normal weekly upload of writing, I just have been so consumed with life that everything else that isn’t a priority gets pushed to the bottom of my to do list.
I know it’s still there just hovering not really weighing me down as such, so I’m going to just update on where I’m at, I have written just little snippets of days I got to, so I’m still trying to work out how to do this.
So instead I will start from the now and update as I see it should be input from the past few weeks.
I am in a place that I never thought possible at the beginning of this year.
I am in a new job which I love, this was a personal achievement to personally step out of my comfort zone, speak my mind and be honest no matter what the outcome.
I knew for me to move past my triggers I had to leave my comfort zone putting my brain to the test by learning new procedures.
I am the only one in charge of what I choose to do, it’s about knowing your boundaries I really have concentrated on what works for me personally, not to overdo anything.
I have examples when I have been doing more yoga to feel better with my core, there is no excuse I have the mat and the DVDs ready to go, I find this is less exhausting then going for a run, I’m not getting any younger so running can absolutely leave me feeling like I have nothing left and night time is the best time to go.
Meditation is something that I try and do daily, I have an app on my phone, I find a place in my room before I walk out of a morning, as soon as I walk out I’m on duty with Leo our cat meowing flat out for food, as he is always hungry.
I am on the countdown for my Neurofeedback Sessions to finish.
These sessions for me have been life changing, I feel that it was meant to be, I’m more confident with life.
I’m staying in a frame of mind that isn’t going down the deep dark hole of loosing myself.
If I have a bad day, I’m just having this and that’s life.
I still take medication as I learnt the hard way, that if this helps me to function normally then it is what it is.
I’m okay with this, it took me a lot of time to realise this and now am not on the pathway of having to be weaned off my medication, just grateful that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for someone else.
It’s a personal thing, you are not disappointing anyone.
I don’t even know what day it is today …. that’s when you know you are on holidays, we are in Melbourne doing the tourist thing, loving the Christmas vibe and where we are staying, the weather is crisp and fresh a huge difference from the 40+ degrees when we first arrived.
So, my first impression of city living, everyone is very friendly and happy to help you, it’s a healthy lifestyle as well, not that where I live is unhealthy, you can walk or tram it to various places.
We are heading out to family today, it’s amazing how good I feel just doing a run can put you in such a good head space, I’m not a fast runner if anything I’m just a steady pace, it helps just getting my heart rate up, there are lots of people walking, running, taking their furries for exercise, it’s courteous as well run left hand side one way overtake if need be, there are black swans with their babies, the water isn’t clean it’s murky, it still is relaxing though to have this outlook.
My memory is great, my new neuropaths are working really well. I can recall finer details of previous nights conversations I’m not in the fog where I’m stuttering with putting sentences together, my attention is precise, I hold this and take information in like I’m studying for a exam.
I was really pleased to see the outcome of something personal yesterday, it made me smile. It has been a long process.
We did the tourist thing as well, taking a tour of the MCG to make it even more worthwhile we got to see the Australian Cricket Team practice as well.
So I’m home now from our holiday, have needed normality now, I overindulged on Christmas Day with chocolate and paid for it dismally, a head ache from hell that lasted days, I didn’t help myself though and putting this to the test I probably breached gluten as well.
It’s like a reminder of why I don’t go there, I was lethargic for days, couldn’t sleep properly, pain in my head that wouldn’t go away, forced myself to do things, pretty much bed ridden.
So lesson learnt that chocolate indulgence was not worth the pain, it held on for days, I only came right yesterday on our drive home, I haven’t had anything that would take me back to that place since Boxing Day, really isn’t worth what I went through.
So my feet are tingling, it is so good to be back home into normality, I have completed my headspace to get back into routine, I already feel better that I’m getting back into these habits.
We are such creatures of habit, I realise this now, yes it was great to be away, we totally did switch off.
I could only do this for a short time, the unknown wasn’t very easy for my brain to navigate, it likes routine.
Back to routine I say.
1 December 2019
It’s amazing how one day you can feel on top of the world, then the next day you feel like crap.
That’s life !!! Plain and simple …. I write as I get the thoughts that are flowing freely in my head out to the world.
I am struggling a little today, there is always a risk of when you go and eat out that you can have just a smidgen of wheat that can throw your system out.
It is what it is, I’m cool with this, so I have a plan in place that if my head is heavy that I need to shift this, I know my yoga and meditation is a good start.
Today is the 1st December 2019, very soon my Dad would have been left us for 4 years, time is something that does make a situation of loss seem that little less hard.
I personally still at times, don’t believe he is gone, I struggle with this, it’s like our brains are wired to not comprehend this ever eventuating, yet, it will happen to each and everyone of us, we are just in denial of this fact, that it won’t happen to us, that we hope that we just keep going.
So, time makes this become real and I know now that if I do leave this world unexpectedly that I have been honest with where I’m at in helping others with depression, it doesn’t scare me at all, I just want to help others overcome the darkness that can take hold with what I have been through.
There is hope, having depression has made me become stronger and more determined to beat the inner thoughts that can strip us of our own selves. We have to be strong for others, to show them that it’s a life long commitment, that we are the only ones that are in charge of our destiny, it has to come from us we have to find what works for each of us, as we are all so different.
So, I’m a little dark at the moment, which is fine, heavy head can do this to you, fun fact !! Last night I had my work Christmas 🎄 Party which was really nice, I have been short sighted for a lot of years so I can’t see distance, I forgot my glasses to drive home so I had to wear my sunglasses, which actually wasn’t too bad, they are prescription and polarized so I was happy about this.
Anyhow, my thoughts are flowing like they normally do when I have my creative time, yoga is going to happen to get me in a better frame of mind.
Let’s just see if this works ….
It’s been so long since I got to just empty my mind of what is locked inside, I wrote the above on the 1st December, it’s now the 11 December, this year is flying before my eyes.
Where to start, well it will be coming up to 4 years since Dad left us on the 18 December, I have constant reminders of him daily anything with wings, especially the willy wag tails, their chirps it makes me smile.
For me it has been the balancing act of trying to please everyone then at times being blamed for doing something not the right way.
My head is scratchy as I write, I am twitching with frustration I feel pleased with my achievements I do, there is a constant tugging in my mind of just breathe.
I went for a run on Sunday, it was the perfect place and I love running with the water in my sight, I was shocked at how close the fires had come, it was black and red the left overs it was actually pretty in a sad way, you can see where new shoots of green grass are sprouting up through the left overs.
The fires have been devastating not only to others but to animals as well, it’s a sad feeling a hopelessness when you cannot see the blue sky or that the Sun is hot pink due to the smoke covering it.
They have come close to my family, who have been fine, we are definitely feeling the effects of nature with water restrictions happening all around us, there are constant reminders of natural disasters every day, are we becoming too greedy with life in general, personally I am looking forward to the water restrictions, I feel this will teach our children that there are rules for these conditions that this is part of life lessons to do the right thing, that we don’t just say things for the sake of it, we are trying to teach them to be good persons in life.
This at times I struggle with the why I can’t motivate others that it’s a constant battle to get help, that is this because we spoil them that they constantly have a phone or device attached to them, the addiction is real, I know this there is always a constant get off, come out of your room, The sneaky of what they are doing.
So with this in mind it’s hard to relax, that’s why I make myself do yoga and meditation as it really does work.
I have had my creative time now, I feel a lot less full with thoughts, today I am going to just take time to breathe, not worry about having to achieve everything, just enjoy time with my loved ones.
12 December 2019
Pain is something I struggle with, it can put my mind into overdrive I go into the what have I done to cause this, was it something I ate, did I not hydrate enough, have I worried myself into this state of pain, the list goes on.
You can sit and wallow doing the poor me, or you just have to move, just small steps will overcome this.
So today instead of fighting with, be strong get yourself out, I took some pain medication to help me.
Time is the only thing that can help you to overcome, just trying to distract yourself your mind that it’s all in your head.
It hits me hard this one, I woke at immediately knew my right side was throbbing, I’m okay, I haven’t had one of these for weeks, could be payback for too many late nights.
So, little steps today, just keep moving, hopefully this will shift as I’m struggling with function.