New Paths, New Me

The beauty of having a blog is there is no pressure

I have so much inside me at times that I need to let out as it can consume me without realising.

Last week was huge for me, since my new job I was on my own, determined to do everything right and not to let others down.

It took a toll on me as by the weekend I was exhausted.

I still have to remember I’m not Superwoman trying to achieve everything, I have some great tools now for when I can feel pressure arise.

I’m still struggling with being in control of others that knowing I am shaping what their destination is, at times I question myself am I doing the right thing, it pulls on my heart strings.

I know deep down this is what has to happen, it’s a battle to get anything achieved, I worry about what I can do or am I doing enough, this brings tears to my eyes each time.

Being a mother is hard work you question every decision or how to express yourself, you feel at times that if you don’t try these options you are hindering others. Then when you do and the result isn’t what you thought, you blame yourself for the outcome.

I’m determined though, I know that things have happened to make me realise how hard life can be for others.

I’m strong now, the strongest I have been, I haven’t had any real relapses since my Neurofeedback Sessions and am a different person, life is challenging that to me is part of this existence, if we don’t have challenges we wouldn’t strive to be a better person, I have always been honest with my kids, I want them to see firsthand how hard life can be, that you have to work for these goals, you need to do the work, you can create your destiny.

We are stronger then we think and determination is something that you just have to keep being to shape whatever outcome you want to achieve.

Thursday 23 January 2020

I’m a different person now, I’ve come along way to where I was. I see the shock in people’s faces when they see me and they believe that I am changed, I feel like I have a new brain that anything is possible, that there is no better time then now, not to dwell in this state of this is forever to find your own answer, as it’s out there and if you believe that there is hope, eventually you will find what will work for you.

I have been doing meditation for a while now, nothing complicated just 10 minutes a day, I don’t know how it works it does though, I really feel like I’m in the now as cliche as this sounds, I am in a space in my mind where I don’t seem to feel pressure as such, that I am pretty much calm.

It’s really nice to enjoy the feelings of smelling the roses, laughing when you can at silly stuff.

I’m still doing my Skincare, it’s my thing I’m not putting pressure on myself to be someone I’m not, I really struggled with the personal side and mental roller coaster of feeling I had to achieve and realise that I can get consumed in something that yes the products are great, I love them, and we all use them daily, not everyone thinks the same as me, that it’s not a personal thing, I really struggled with this at times, it took time and I am always learning that what can work for someone may not work for others.

Once I realise this I’m more content with just doing what I can, prioritising what is more important, so there is more space and less pressure in my mind, that I don’t have that constant voice in the background pushing me to constantly try to achieve the impossible.

Monday after Australia Day, I’ve just returned from a exhausting run with my Rosie, it’s not that hot it’s the humidity that knocks you around, words seem to flow once I’ve been for a run, it’s like even though I’m listening to music I can think about life. We were recently at Sydney with friends enjoying the sports of Australians we had just arrived in the gates people everywhere hustling and busting to get to their seats for the match, we suddenly hear a terrible sound it’s the sound of head hitting concrete hard, at first people think this person is kidding around until she starts having a seizure, my beautiful friends swing into action putting their first aid skills to use, reminding me that I need to update mine, just putting it off.

They do everything right make sure she is comfortable that she can’t hurt herself communicating with family from her young siblings to find out what she has to assist in this moment of terror, they are calm and dedicated, I feel proud that I’m with them.

Her family finally arrives after what seems to take forever and she is getting the support she needs.

I’m concerned with, how long it took to get real assistance, for a venue this big that if someone was having a heart attack the time it took they probably wouldn’t have survived.

It made me realise just how lucky we were with Dad the day he had his, that he had been at the right place at the right time, that we had another two years with him, that it gave us a jolt of reality how precious life is, that I wanted to tell him how much he means to me, he was ever so humble and would never want to be treated any different. I guess I’m like him, I keep a lot of inner thoughts inside, I still hear his voice and I miss him so.

Memories are what we have of times we have with others that are not here with us, it’s important that we keep being in the now and not the past or future, yes we can plan, we just need not consume ourselves that we miss out what is right in front of us.

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