Learning about ourselves

I feel that I’m a sponge at the moment, I take the opportunity to learn whenever I can, I know education is what has given me the confidence to share and to speak with where I’m at in life.
I’m constantly taking in anything that I know can help others, as I know the answer is out there and I’m determined to find this, anything to make their life’s easier is what I’m striving for.
We can utilise the technology to find this, I’m currently listening to a pod cast all in the mind, it’s so interesting what you can learn about the most powerful thing that controls everything in each of us.
Science is discovering new things everyday, we just have to tap into what works for us as a individual.
Yes….. today isn’t easy.
I’m struggling today, I have mind pain and it frustrates me to no end of how this occurs, I really try to be a hero, I know pain doesn’t last forever, believe you me there are others much worse, I just vocal this as it does help me to get these words out of my head.
I’m actually just sitting in my walk in robe in the darkness, finally had some meditation and I’m listening to music to just keep me from falling in a heap.
I feel crappy and I guess my day off I have time to think which can be dangerous as I can get lost in what is real and struggle with functioning normal.
When I’m on a work day I am so busy and distracted that I don’t have time to dwell.
It’d hard not to feel this way, I’m sure I’m not the only one and I’m probably just having a bad day, so I’m just going to keep going as we only live one life and I can’t dwell on poor me crap I just have to move forward.
It really does help that I’m emptying these thoughts out, why is this so, the mind is so powerful and today I have listened to podcasts to distract me, it’s just hard when you don’t know what causes the pain, frustration takes over.
After my head space meditation my music automatically started to play and instantly I started to feel better.
Music transcends me into memories of my youth, spending hours listening to music, hanging out, going to music festivals and just being, it’s what makes me smile it always has, my head is a bit scratchy I’m definitely feeling better though.
I wish I thought of this first thing, just getting the junk out of my head, not really junk maybe clutter, I’m listening to Smashing Pumpkins their early stuff, it calms me the heaviness of the guitar.
Right !!! Whatever I have just done I’m feeling so much better, just keep moving and stop poor me crap, Mark thinks I’m crazy that I share these personal thoughts, feelings, my struggles, life in general, I don’t care to be honest, when you nearly loose yourself to darkness whatever is written after that is nothing in comparison, I know that this is read and can be interpreted however you may like. It is helping so that is all that matters.
Tuesday 18 February 2020
It’s been a while, I get so caught up with life that I loose what is priorities.
I am going good, really good in terms of depression I’m in a different mindset.
This is due to staying on top of my health, still having Neurofeedback the last went as long as a month in between appointments which was a good test, after last week I am still on fortnightly which is fine as this is life changing for me, I know that the longer I keep having these sessions the better it is for me.
I have to show others that you can get through this that it isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
I’m learning so much.
Friday 21 February 2020
I’m loving this cooler weather, we are at Williamstown in Melbourne it is the prettiest of places, I love coming to Melbourne, each time I visit we find these hidden gems of where you feel like you are in a different part of the world.
This week has been much the same, still in the process of trying to find what is right for one, it’s a constant burden of feeling helpless in this situation. We try so hard, it’s good to get away and be in the same place all together, we get to really see what each of us do with our time.
We walk everywhere from where we are staying, it isn’t that far I’m happy to do this as it does make you get those endorphins, the houses around here are exquisite in themselves, with the manicured gardens, beautiful gated entrances we feel the elegance of this area, we are a block away from the ocean, couldn’t of picked a better location.
We are here for a purpose a family gathering which is really nice, love having family time with our Tassie family, there isn’t many of them, so it’s really lovely just being in their company.
As you can see by my tone, I’m much lighter these days, definitely not heavy with darkness, enjoy spending time playing board games, hanging out laughing.
We have rules, to try and balance out technology we have to do some sort of activity or exercise to try and not be on devices for too long. We just need to be consistent with this, just today I noticed the difference with spending time outside.
Another new thing for me is not having milk anymore, having almond milk as an alternative.
Today, Wednesday 26 February
Lots happening lately, I struggle to keep up with everything.
Thursday 27 February
Yesterday was an emotional day, I struggled to keep it together I was trying to be so strong for everyone at the meeting and once I heard the words come out in front of me I just lost it.
As parents it can be heart breaking to witness the sadness you see in front of you rending you useless as you are stuck in the unknown of what to do next with out fucking up someone, yes that’s right I used this term as that’s pretty much how I feel that’s what’s happened and I feel responsible as this is me in control of the being controlling pulling the strings trying to make life better and then realising that this could be the undoing of all the hard work.
It breaks me, that’s it and I feel like I was holding my breathe yesterday to hear words come out, when the words did come out I broke down with tears.
You see, we are never told what is going on, we want to help it just seems to make the situation harder, all we want to do is help and we can’t break down the wall, it scares me how within yourself you can go, that you are just ticking boxes to get through, no matter how hard we try we can’t help.
We are never giving up on this journey, it’s what I’m here for, it’s why I have been there as well, to share that you can change, that there is hope, that you are not alone, we are strong, I will never give up on finding the black and white, I know grey is where we are at, the thing is we have support, what about those that don’t have this, or are ten times in a worse situation, I feel for those struggling alone with the inner demons, I truly do as I know how hard it can be to just find energy to breathe, don’t give up searching for what is your true colour, we are all so different, you just have to find what is right for you.

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