Me Time

I’m having some me time ….
This is where I just let my head space just flow and it feels great !! So an update I had my second Neurofeedback session since Covid and since my last set back where I overfilled my bucket I have really struggled to get back to a place where I was and after chatting to my psychologist what I have been feeling makes sense as I have been feeling like I’ve been inside myself lately just being detached from the reality of life it’s because I’m scared that I’m going to end up in that space of loosing control as to be honest I don’t know how I got there and when it started to spiral it happened really quickly and it made me realise that even though you can’t see anything from the outside and that I hadn’t really picked up on the triggers my lovely depression was still there which has made me more aware to listen to my body more and not try and be a super person as it always catches up with me.
So I’m standing at the edge of a pool as such and just testing the water to see if I will get in or will I just stay in the safe zone and not go there.
So as I chatted about my feelings the emotion that I know I’m in tune with exactly why I’m feeling this way, the shivering in my chest to confirm I was on the right track was right on queue.
It really helps to talk to someone that you are close with to confirm these feelings it just makes you feel so much better.
As I reckon another reason I haven’t been writing is this as well I’m not sure what tipped me before so I’m treading very carefully not to loose my own self which means everything is not really getting looked at or attempted the only two things that really are being done is my work and home activities as I feel they are safe and not going to cause me to fall again.
The good thing is that I bounced back within two days which is awesome, I can’t really describe what it was like now it’s like you forget the feelings until they come back. It’s like a headache as soon as the pain has gone you forget it.
So I’m feeling great with where I’m at within myself I have a plan and I’m just going to do things that I can manage.
10 days onwards …..
I’m still at this stage where I’m cautious to not get to over the top with anything in my life, it’s like I’m glancing from afar just to make sure I don’t fall into bad habits or motions of where I was as I think at times I wasn’t my self and looking back it scares me to be that way as I don’t want to be that person of who I’m not.
I’m hesitant to do anything with full force, not to overdo my running/ my yoga/ my writing/ my skincare posts/ my social outings/ anything that could contribute to me loosing control basically.
I’m okay with this …. I know I’m not alone with these silent battles of what if, I know that I have close ones that have the same but different moments where they struggle with where did this come from. I thought I overcame you, so you are in there somewhere hidden just waiting for the chance of slipping out when that moment of darkness escapes momentarily taking your breathe away, those moments of scariness as the next wave approaches not knowing if you can stay on top or if you get dumped by the force of being sucked down into the place where you forget about as soon as your back on top.
Very smart …. and very sneaky.

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