It’s worth it

Today I’m struggling with my headspace
There are always little signs that I have to watch out for and I am aware.
Like this week I have been feeling good so I exercise more then normal, it’s the fine line of knowing your boundaries and limitations which you don’t have until you go over them.
I get emotional without knowing why, and start tearing up – when normally I’m good and can handle things pretty well.
And my taste is out of whack and I can’t seem to eat or drink what I normally do.
My tummy is churning and my head ache is rearing it’s ugly head again.
So I am concerned a little that I’m out of whack and I am frightened that I could be loosing some control.
I guess the good thing is I am aware and I can put my tools into place.
I have my Neurofeedback session this week which will be good to check in with my psychologist as I’m down to monthly sessions which is a big deal for me.
I know others can read this and think I’m after attention, it’s not that for me it’s about being real with how this illness can effect you and how it lyes dormant within you then can appear at anytime without you acknowledging this.
That’s why I share this as for me it’s about being real with what is really going on in the inside as we do look so normal from the outside.
I take medication daily for my depression as well as a lot of Vitamin B’s, Silver, Iron, Zinc and Magnesium – you have to find what is the right fit for you as everyone is different.
I don’t have gluten as this can give me the same effects if I was feeling depressed.
It’s a lifestyle change and it’s finding the balance of what works.
I’ve learnt to be mindful of using blue tooth devices that I’m quite sensitive.
I make sure I have good sleep as well.
So this morning, even though I have slept from 1030 to 8 am I woke up feeling hungover, which sucks as I don’t drink alcohol.
It’s concerning as we keep hearing about suicide among our young adults.
Let me stress the mind is so powerful, we are still in the unknown and I know how smart it can control us and how quickly it can bring you down.
Sharing this has helped me get what is inside and feel less heavy, I’m actually feeling better.
It’s Sunday and I’m still feeling groggy definitely better then last night.
I lost control to a degree the pain took over, I tried everything not to let it control my time it gets to a point that you try anything, listening to a podcast, sleeping – didn’t really work, I ended up having my Leo cat lay next to me I just tried to distract my brain as much as I could.
I’m not proud of having pain medication, I don’t like that I can’t be my full potential when they hit and I still don’t know what causes them.
This is the first time since Sunday where I have had a moment to just be, I love these moments and feel lucky for them.
I have just had my monthly visit of Neurofeedback and I’m happy to say that I only have one appointment left this year and then I have completed my sessions.
I can come back for a top up next year if required, pretty much this is my achievement.
My grey is doing well this week has been some really positive changes, smiling more, actively attending outings socially and exercising more.
I’m so proud and feel that we have finally achieved some happiness which has been a struggle.
Never give up finding the fit for everyone that needs this, it is so worth the smile I am getting at times the effort you put in.
I still have been getting my headaches so had a chat today with my psychologist I haven’t been meditating or doing yoga.
It’s funny how your mind just doesn’t act like it needs these tools and I feel that I need to experiment with getting back into these processes to see if they will reduce my headaches which are normally caused by stresses or controls that are out of my control.
So I do get emotional still uploading these thoughts, happy tears really if anything.
We are all feeling weary coming towards the end of this year, it’s been a lot to process this pandemic. Not being alone is one good thing, that we are all going through this and we can openly talk about our worries and concerns – yes the stigma is reducing, I still get the nervous shiver when I talk about depression, it’s hard not to – I just want to be real with the emotions that are still there, you see we need to communicate this through to our kiddies that they are not alone as this is effecting them more so this year with the lack of face to face interaction.

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