Struggling
Trying to remain calm for everyone, the realisation is concreted into my mind that my grey is not good.
What to do, what to do …. if only I could fix everything to make this life better for those that are not in a good place.
I’m trying to not go within myself to help, it’s hard and the realisation that whatever we are doing isn’t working is heart breaking and soul destroying.
Just one day at a time, checking that he is okay, the levels of concern escalating and yet trying to not alarm or make aware that you are scared of what could happen.
As knowing how quickly you can descend down this path without really having any control of the outcome, the scary part is it’s such a gradual incline slowly weaving the lack of what is good about anything trying to take over.
I’m trying to not make this about me not get dragged into the despair of darkness, I have to be strong and show that there is hope that life is worth living no matter what.
As a parent it’s so hard, so I’m putting all my tools into place.
First – distraction listening to music to get into my happy place.
Communicate to the ones that you are with that I pretty much know myself now that once I’m given something that effects me the realisation of the impact takes time to process the reality of what is real.
So I’m reflecting now on what I went through and I woke realising I’m the one in charge I have to be strong, I need to do something as I have the tools and the connections so I did this, it wasn’t easy and when I finished this the emotions of this came out like I had been holding them in waiting for the right time when no one can see that this is real.
So one day at a time, adjustments to medication, being on alert even more so and just taking time to see a smile, I have to remain strong and I will I’m personally in the best place I have been in a long time, yes I’m not going to lie I have to be careful not to let my early memories of my high school days where I coped by going inside Megan’s world to just get through those times to not have that desire to be liked that my emotions can take control and I loose who I am at the present time, the scary thing is your mind is so powerful and it’s like your in a trance doing things that you really shouldn’t do emotionally but you can’t control this, it took a good couple of weeks for me to gain composure it scared the crap out of me, and triggers can happen without you even knowing they are there.
I know this is deeply personal, from when I started writing to share the realness of the mind it has always been my goal to help others with sharing the realness of how powerful and strong the mind is.
You can feel like you have run a race when you haven’t even left your bed.
It can exhaust you emotionally that you are drained and so tired without no real reason.
There are so many different emotions with this illness and signs that it can make it really difficult to pinpoint what is going on.
It can scare the crap out of you as you personally think you are going crazy, the more we talk and share that this is something that can happen to anyone that we don’t go out looking for this illness that anything to a shock to the body e.g. could be a death in the family, operation, having a baby, anything that your body goes into the fight/fright response needing more seratonin from the brain to cope with this.
It can start the imbalance of what your brain needs to function to make you do everyday tasks.
So educating our children on this will help them understand that this can happen to anyone that you can get help that there is hope.
Especially now with this COVID situation, our brains are in the unknown of what to do, so that is another reason why there is a lot more depression/anxiety with this. If we already have a underlying issue this can escalate due to our brains having to work harder on pathways that haven’t really been on before.
The virus to me is scary, it’s the unknown and how it keeps changing the strains, it’s hard not to be scared.
We just all need to keep doing the right thing for everyone to get through and back to some sort of normality.

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