Excited for the future

Excited for the future
Never give up on your dreams of creating a better future for your love ones.
It’s taken most of this year and we have learnt so much and appreciate what small businesses have to go through in getting up and running.
It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs and I truly believe from the moment I drove past and saw that sign that I knew deep down this was meant to be, you get the gut feeling of what you envision and you set your mind to working towards that goal.
I’m super proud and grateful of what has been built up to support local businesses as well, we can all help each other.
Personally it’s also about teaching our kids the life skills of what’s involved running a business.
So it’s been crazy and scary, excited and thrilling at the same time.
So back to me with my headspace, I had my Neurofeedback appointment for the month this week. So impressed to know that my brain has not altered from the last monthly session if anything it’s improved and when I had my training it was hitting levels that are better then ever.
So !!! I’m 45 no young chick – I just want you to know the sky is the limit that your brain is ever evolving we can change it by getting into healthy patterns with good life styles and believe me I put this to the test with normal everyday stresses of looking after my grey.
It’s so important for me to share where I’m at, if in doubt never stop searching for what is the right fit as we are all so different.
Today is my Dad’s Henry birthday, he isn’t with us anymore I see him a lot though and I know he is still a huge part of me and will never stop living within me.
I’m ever so grateful for the childhood I had and I still get teary with these words coming out, I know that he would be proud of me and for who I am, his heart still lives in all of us, deep breathes as my true sadness of loss is rising from down in the depths of hidden emotions.
Breathing out I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad for him as he wasn’t this at all, very rare to be honest to see this from him. He loved life, being near the water with a fishing rod and chatting to random people he was very social. Very soft spoken as well…. anyhow enough with the tears the moment was there and now passed.
I just think it’s important to remember these moments, I don’t mind sharing my inner thoughts …. it’s how I have got through to where I am today and sharing is caring right?

Sometimes

Sometimes….
I write to get the thoughts out, I’m excited to say that we are nearly business owners, it’s been a slog so worth the outcome though, pretty much taken 8.5 months.
What can I say, never give up on your dreams, the desire to have a better life to be there for our children, it’s so worth it.
You appreciate the win more as well as you never give up and it’s a roller coaster !!
I’ve started running of a morning, well just because I can and at times I’m still half asleep and Rosie my running partner needs this for her happiness and well being as well.
So it’s the year of the firsts for a lot some of us and doing things just because well why not and I guess Covid has taught us that it is the unknown.
I can say I am happy with what I’ve achieved and I’m proud of where I’m at.
If you get a chance watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix it’s a real concern when you see the designers of these big apps advising the dangers of our devices and programs our kids are getting addicted to.
You can see how they are loosing the concept to socialise face to face and how our brains are not wired this way and what it is causing… basically we are controlled not us controlling !!! It’s scary – so the first step is to turn notifications off.
We just need to get out and be in open air, team sport is really good and just talk as much as possible.
We need to all help each other stop being controlled by devices and be there for the ones that are right in front of us.
I’ll stop raving now, just be kind to yourself as we personally can only do our best with the situation and it’s limitations.
Things have changed for us, for me personally I just want others to witness events that this is not okay and if you see something and it doesn’t look or feel right use your voice to be heard as you know others don’t know what is underneath the barriers of laughter the real sadness and difficult concept of what happiness is and how a real struggle life really is – to be honest I’m still mad I guess I always knew that this could happen you just don’t want it to be real.
It’s changed the perception of what was friendship and the realness of cruelty has reared it’s ugly head.
For all I know this has been going on for a long time and become normal which is scary and it makes me sick.
It comes in different forms, and it means different things to others on how it is perceived.
Just be the eyes for others and don’t be afraid to act.
I thought I was over it, the shaking and tears of frustration are still there when I think about the situation.
Just put yourself in the persons shoes, if that was someone doing the same how would you act??
True colours I’m sad to say are shining through, just nothing ….

The Best Week

The Best Week
In a long time this is the best I have felt, so it’s not all doom and gloom it’s about being real with this life and sharing the both emotions or the strongest at times.
Just got back from my Sunday morning run with Rosie with layers this morning purple beanie and sunnies yes it’s a combo.
So my week just gone, can I say just flowed and I’m excited to say no pain!!!
Everything was achievable and I feel like I’m starting to come back to me again.
Got to be honest though, I don’t want to get my hopes up and have in the back of my mind to not get to comfy with this.
I’m proud of the effort it has taken to get my grey one out of despair, still a long way to go and there will be times that will be testing.
Just always go with your gut and search for what is the right fit for everyone.
It’s so worth seeing the light coming through when it does, and I’m ever so proud and feel like a weight has lifted from me.
It turns out my Chiro has found I’m hoping what has been triggering my leaky gut/stress and since my last visit am feeling really good.
So as I’m writing I’m listening to music, those who know me well know that music has been what I have loved since my early teens and The Cure is still one of the bands that I love, haven’t been able to listen to it as freely as I want as I have to be careful as it can go from happy lyrics to sad.
I’m truly grateful for all the live music events I went to growing up and feel for others that aren’t getting to experience these at the moment.
It’s sad to see an end of Big Day Outs they were the best and have so many cool memories and wild moments with my siblings.
I’m excited though to take my kids to live music shows when we can, that’s if they will let me as I’m so not cool.
Anyhow, fun fact the first band I saw ever was Daryl Braithwaite in Newcastle when I was in High School. With B, J and I think R was with us as well. We stayed overnight, was such a great introduction to live music.
So I’m 45 and last time my last line was Grey is my new black.
Well …. that is exactly that, I have dyed my hair since High School so I’m interested to see now what colour I am naturally and I’m grey with black streaks.
Nothing is more empowering then this, the time is now more so then ever. Covid makes you appreciate where we are, that getting back to basics, being happy with the simple things as we are in the unknown not knowing what will be happening and hoping for a cure for what this is doing to so many, it’s sad.
So enjoy the now, appreciate the little things, time is just going so quick, just do the best as you can.

Never Give Up

Rosie – My Running Partner

Never give up
I’ve just been for my Sunday run, it was hard work in the wind – it’s my first run for the week as I’ve been off.
When I say off, I know now these days when I’m not right I listen more to my body then I ever have.
Whether it’s the current Covid situation we are all heightened that’s what makes this okay, you aren’t alone it does cause some who are prone to anxiety to be more then normal and our stress levels can cause our brains to leak chemicals that can cause leaky gut which infections are easily caused due to the imbalance which can lead to painful headaches.
Hence this happens to me at the moment quite a lot the frustration is real I hate not being capable or of being full potential and I’m reaching more then normal for heavier pain medication. As I’m so over this and would rather be numb.
When this happens if I don’t hit the headache right at the beginning it seems to escalate, so not being a hero I take the tablet to take this frustration away.
Anyhow nearly finished I knew I had an infection and I had my Chiro appointment with Ang which confirmed I was right, it wasn’t a gluten breach it was an infection.
So listen to your body especially now as our brains are in the unknown especially our kids for they feel this as well.
Enough on me let’s just say I’m so proud, it hasn’t been easy for our children especially now.
Keep pushing for sports as much as you can the natural endorphins will do so much for their happiness.
Team sports is really important as we really need that face to face interaction.
At times I give explanations of how to face situations what I was like as a teenager.
Never underestimate the power of your voice, we need to talk more to our kids as they will listen we just need to get them out of their phones.
Basic stuff like talk to people if you have something to say, not text. As it’s the unknown that causes issues.
The happiness I have seen from just owning something is so worth it.
So it’s a constant battle with ourselves in are we doing enough, we just have to realise we can only do our best with each situation and treat someone how we ourselves want to be treated.
So, take care – just my inner thoughts on where I’m at.
Grey is the new Black

Writing is something

Writing is something –
that after my last downward spiral which seems so long ago hasn’t come or doesn’t seem to be needed, I’ve put my walls up a bit as I struggle with the current climate of this virus and headspace in my mind is still important don’t get me wrong I just struggle with the insignificance to share what I’m going through and it takes more inner strength to do this, I don’t know why as I know I’ve got nothing to hide as I’ve been real from the get go.
I guess it’s that inner battle of poor me crap and I don’t want others to think that’s why I do this.
So life is good, I’m feeling very lucky for where we live and love my environment. Work/Life/Balance.
I’m listening to my body all the time and taking the time to rest when it tells me.
I’m trying not to go within myself so much and speak what is on my mind.
My Neurofeedback sessions have now been reduced to once a month which is a huge achievement, it is so worth the time and effort into not giving up on yourself and pushing through the hard times.
I still take my medication for anti depressants it’s part of me and I’m okay with this, if a little tablet can keep my seratonin levels balanced then so be it.
I’ve realised and this is powerful, my depression is part of me and it’s moulded me to the person I am today. I’m not ashamed of this I know things happen for a reason and if I hadn’t gone through this I wouldn’t see what is in front of my very eyes.
So I’ve been on my run with my Rosie and am zoning into my Music while the words escape my mind, it does feel good to get them out I can feel my shoulders release from the current tension that is currently held.
Truth, running is hard work for me and it doesn’t come natural – the endorphins I receive from this workout is so worth the effort to get out the door as it keeps me sane.
So I’ve rambled enough, just checking in – the beauty of a blog or posting there is no pressure, you can do this whenever your heart desires there is no-one dependent on you to get it exactly right.
Stay save beautiful ones and honestly just do your best with this current situation we can all share and communicate in our own ways don’t assume.
Until next time x

Me Time

I’m having some me time ….
This is where I just let my head space just flow and it feels great !! So an update I had my second Neurofeedback session since Covid and since my last set back where I overfilled my bucket I have really struggled to get back to a place where I was and after chatting to my psychologist what I have been feeling makes sense as I have been feeling like I’ve been inside myself lately just being detached from the reality of life it’s because I’m scared that I’m going to end up in that space of loosing control as to be honest I don’t know how I got there and when it started to spiral it happened really quickly and it made me realise that even though you can’t see anything from the outside and that I hadn’t really picked up on the triggers my lovely depression was still there which has made me more aware to listen to my body more and not try and be a super person as it always catches up with me.
So I’m standing at the edge of a pool as such and just testing the water to see if I will get in or will I just stay in the safe zone and not go there.
So as I chatted about my feelings the emotion that I know I’m in tune with exactly why I’m feeling this way, the shivering in my chest to confirm I was on the right track was right on queue.
It really helps to talk to someone that you are close with to confirm these feelings it just makes you feel so much better.
As I reckon another reason I haven’t been writing is this as well I’m not sure what tipped me before so I’m treading very carefully not to loose my own self which means everything is not really getting looked at or attempted the only two things that really are being done is my work and home activities as I feel they are safe and not going to cause me to fall again.
The good thing is that I bounced back within two days which is awesome, I can’t really describe what it was like now it’s like you forget the feelings until they come back. It’s like a headache as soon as the pain has gone you forget it.
So I’m feeling great with where I’m at within myself I have a plan and I’m just going to do things that I can manage.
10 days onwards …..
I’m still at this stage where I’m cautious to not get to over the top with anything in my life, it’s like I’m glancing from afar just to make sure I don’t fall into bad habits or motions of where I was as I think at times I wasn’t my self and looking back it scares me to be that way as I don’t want to be that person of who I’m not.
I’m hesitant to do anything with full force, not to overdo my running/ my yoga/ my writing/ my skincare posts/ my social outings/ anything that could contribute to me loosing control basically.
I’m okay with this …. I know I’m not alone with these silent battles of what if, I know that I have close ones that have the same but different moments where they struggle with where did this come from. I thought I overcame you, so you are in there somewhere hidden just waiting for the chance of slipping out when that moment of darkness escapes momentarily taking your breathe away, those moments of scariness as the next wave approaches not knowing if you can stay on top or if you get dumped by the force of being sucked down into the place where you forget about as soon as your back on top.
Very smart …. and very sneaky.

I’m always wondering

I’m always wondering am I doing enough, I should realise that things aren’t going to change that it is what it is. I still get emotional and I shouldn’t as I know that everyone is different that things aren’t going to change.
Why is it though that I have to hear it from someone else to believe the situation.
I question myself ….
I’m not coping with life I find I’m comparing others to mine and it hurts.
The wondering that I should be doing more.
Getting these emotions out is making me feel better, today I’m determined to do my best.
As you know me it’s about being real and helping others, I can’t lie I still have hope each day that today will be different accepting that it’s not going to change is the hardest I don’t know why I get so emotional. I guess it’s because I know the feeling of loosing yourself and how scary that feeling is I just want to do everything and feel that I’m doing nothing.
As a parent it’s hard to know we are doing everything, I feel like I’m always searching for the right fit and at times I see the brightness in there then it disappears I’m sad that I’m loosing this inner battle to make life normal it makes me feel crap.
I’m determined, no we are determined to do what is right in making life easier with never giving up on searching for what will be the right fit.
We know now that everyone has there own special quirks it’s what makes us unique in this life of ever changing challenges.
I want to show others not to give up on what can seem so hard, that everyone has their own personal battles whether we share them or not it’s totally up to ourselves.
Yes, I share – it’s my inner thoughts just getting out of my head space trying to determine my next move.
I have done my run this morning which always gives me a bounce in my step.
Lately if I feel flat during the day I meditate for a few minutes, it really helps to just reset my goals in what I want to achieve.
Music is my go to and I love zoning out to this and getting things done.
I have been really careful not overdoing things since my last little setback, I’m listening to my body more, going to bed each night at the same time as sleep is what really helps you to function.
We make sure our electronics are all in our room out of everyone’s reach as well as internet so creates healthy habits.
It’s a constant battle getting us to be in the one room, simple things are forever challenging.
We are lucky though, we are safe, have good jobs and live in a great neighbourhood with wonderful friends.
So even though it can seem like there is darkness I am forever grateful for where I am in life and have no regrets for anything that I have been through as I know that it makes for a amazing life.
It’s like you have to hit rock bottom to appreciate the great feeling you get when you are good.
So take the time to smell the roses, as time is going by ever so quickly.

There are mornings

Where you wake up and you just struggle to breathe, you know that today isn’t going to be easy deep down in your toes, there is a skittish feeling in them, breathe in breathe out I keep telling myself.
I know now I’m juggling from feeling super great to the opposite end of I’m on the edge of freaking out.
Well I should realise this as last week I was going from one end to the other in a couple of days.
So I’m aware of this uneasiness to relax, I’m going to put all my tools in place and just do my best.
That’s really all you can do when this wave is upon us, just get ready for either the dumping or be calm and swim through.
The funny thing is I know I should be doing my yoga and meditation I just can’t get there, my mind keeps telling me that this isn’t needed, breathe in breathe out I have all the usual signs of scratching of head feeling jittery.
I am going to do yoga, as I know this is when I need it the most.
Watch this space, so I managed some of my yoga not all of it, just enough to get rid of the static energy I was feeling.
Surprisingly I had a really good day, distraction really helps and I listened to my mind, went out in the sunshine was good, didn’t eat too much heavy food just little amounts, really got into my zone.
It’s important for me to be real and share this with you.
That you can have good days and not so good, it keeps me grounded knowing that this is what it is, that I can only do my best with each day, to enjoy the moments of feeling so good that it’s ridiculous.
I was in a place just recently that I did feel at times I could be in that place of the now it took some time and practice.
Anyhow, the tingling isn’t as intense as it was yesterday, I am feeling more calm.
Breathe in, breathe out is more easy as well, the simplest of things you just have to be aware that at times this needs more thought as it will calm you.
I didn’t force myself into having to complete something I started either, with meditation I just did what I could I didn’t put pressure into having to complete, the same with the yoga I just did what I felt was enough.
There is at times a line that if you do too much then you hit exhaustion which I know can floor me for days, so knowing my limits is good.
So at present I’m feeling calm, knowing I’m in control that I can only do my best with how I’m feeling. It helps me to offload what is swimming in my mind, I’m starting to feel excited for my day with new beginnings the start of coming back to normality is exciting.

That was then this is now, I’m listening to my body more and taking time to stop and breathe if I feel I’m getting to the stage of doing too much as I now know that it seems to happen without me acknowledging I’m getting to that point and then I’ve burnt out which can take a day or two to recharge.
Running is good for my headspace, I just have to not overdo it as this can tip me into exhaustion.
I love running it’s such a good feeling with the feeling of achievement, as it isn’t easy around here either with hills so I really feel good when I have done a run.
I am still getting there, it’s funny it’s like I had to hit rock bottom to get back up to feeling good again.
This time it only took a couple of days feeling this way to come back to myself. So was good to know if I keep using my tools to assist me when I’m not in a good mind space that it’s okay to feel this way. That it’s only temporary that these feelings will pass.
I am going to just still take one day at a time, just gradually being kind to myself.
My hippie is protective of me, I communicate when my head is heavy and he gets me now, the more we share the true realness of struggles the easier it becomes.
You don’t feel as frustrated with yourself, by doing this it takes the pressure off myself, to know the feelings will pass.

Feeling loved

Thursday 7 May 2020
I have woken today knowing that I am loved, my head still a bit sore which is fine as I have a plan.
I know why I get migraines, it’s stress, that’s pretty much it and if you have tools in place then it doesn’t seem as bad as you know it’s temporary.
So, I have been reading and listening to a pod cast which helps me, Eckhart Tolle and it’s about teaching yourself to be in the now, yesterday I did a lot of back to basics things to just cope with my mind, so I thought I’d share this with you.
I know everyone is different and what works for me may not work for some, it’s how I got through to feeling that little lighter.
Communication is big, being honest and real with others helps me to not feel like I’m failing.
I have a head space app for mindfulness, I’ve nearly done 800 minutes this has taken practice and I know this helps, I can choose what one I need for my current situation, stress/breathing/pain there are so many to choose from – I have my space where I sit and not be disturbed and it works, breathing let’s my shoulders suddenly melt down when I’m doing this.
I’ve realised now I have to make time for myself to not push this aside, everything can wait.
So I’m feeling better sharing this, already which is great.
I listened to calming music all day, which also just helped with my getting through.
I went back to writing to do lists and crossing off what I achieved.
I made sure I had me time by watching some Netflix just for an hour.
I got tea done early so I could make sure I wasn’t late to bed.
I did yoga after tea, it really helped me to feel like I had done some sort of exercise.
Running at the moment isn’t worth the exhaustion I get from doing it whereas yoga is still getting the endorphins just not getting fatigued.
This is really important, I always have my medication which is Zoloft, I know this keeps me balanced, I have my supplements each day Vitamin Bs, zinc, magnesium, silver, cod liver oil (brain health) vitamin C.
Night time I have Silver/B6,B5 and liquid melatonin to help me to sleep.
This has helped all of us at times.
I only eat gluten free, I try not to eat processed food and I have almond milk in my coffee.
I normally push through the pain of my headache like I want to be a hero, no now I just take the painkiller straight away as pain isn’t nice for anyone and if a tablet can get you out if this then so be it.
Also, I had a session with my Psychologist a zoom session, I read to him what I wrote and he worked out where I was at and why, this is the education that helps me understand that I’m not going crazy (which I will screen shot) knowing that there is a reason you are feeling this way does help, and also why I share as I know I’m one of the lucky ones that have such great support networks. He just explained that I’m normally in the middle zone and due to everything that has been going on in life I have crept out of this zone, there were signs I just didn’t see them or feel them and after discussing this with my hippie they did appear just not the same, until after the fact.
My kiddies were amazing, being honest and letting them know I’m not feeling right made them realise I needed help, they both studied out of their rooms and were rewarded. I am so proud of them, they make me smile.
So this is it, I’m definitely feeling less fatigued, am going to start today with a little more spring in my step and be grateful of how I am feeling.

Sunday 10 May 2020
An update of my week and where I’m at, I’m at such a better head space now which I’m really relieved at how quickly I got back to this state.
I put it to hitting rock bottom then acknowledging the fact then putting the tools in place to overcome this moment.
Not putting pressure on myself and just understanding that I had missed triggers which you don’t realise happen.
Being okay with not being okay and just doing my best.
Friday was my best day, I ended up doing a small run which obviously the mix of endorphin release and running into a close loved one while on this run put me into a place where I was feeling really happy and proud.
I still have to remember that having big days are going to effect the next day as it is what it is.
Speaking and knowing I’m not alone really helped, the stigma is definitely starting to shift I can feel, see and hear this which is massive, I am ever so grateful for the love I have received it shows that times are changing, that there is hope for our children growing into adults that just being real and honest will help overcome the unknown of what is happening at times to each of us, that the little things are so important, the simplicity of a flower can bring you back to being in the now.
I had time to smell the roses as such with this beautiful flower yesterday birds of prey, the colours are amazing.

I’m struggling….

I’m struggling
with myself at present, it’s my mind lack of motivation if anything I don’t know why I’m feeling this way and it’s not easy, I’m not sure if I’m burnt out I’m exhausted. I haven’t felt this way in a long time and I’m worried that I’m not coping with normal things.
I’m trying to do everything right and I just can’t seem to do enough, I’m hoping offloading what is going on in my headspace will give me clarity.
I’m ashamed of how I am feeling and I wish I could just be normal.
I have filled the bucket too quickly and now I’m struggling to empty this.
The hard part for me personally is that I don’t know I’m filling the bucket until it’s overflowed, now I’m struggling with what to do first, everything suddenly feels hard.
So I’m lying here just trying to concentrate on breathing as normally I can do this and everything just seems to overwhelm me.
I’m angry at myself for getting to this state and I’m frustrated as I really don’t know how I got here so quickly.
Deep breathes as I am thinking what I can do, put my tools into place.
I guess I’m lucky though as I know I’m not right at the moment, that I can only do what I can, that as hard as it is there are others so worse off.
My feet are twitching, my head isn’t liking my download of all these thoughts trying to fit on this page.
So little steps for me, I am aware that this is a time not like no other and I’m thankful I have my kids here.
As I know I’m not feeling myself and it scares me, I just want to not feel as tired.
Deep breathes, it’s important for me to share these thoughts of what the is going on in my mind.
I’m no superwoman and I was feeling really good at one stage I was running more then I normally do, that’s my point, you forget that you can’t do everything, you just keep trying to achieve the impossible then now I’m annoyed that I’m at this point of headspace where the calm has gone, I have to just try and do little stints.
Acknowledging that I’m struggling with my current moment is okay, look it’s not ideal but I’m determined to face the world and just do my best.
So being real is all I can be, if I have to go back to basics then I will.
We have to be strong for our kiddies, so they understand that life isn’t easy at times, if you just keep doing your best with each situation that’s all we can do.
So I’m lying here knowing that I am lucky, I am just going to start my to do list and do one thing at a time.
Breathing and being grateful that I have wonderful family and friends.
Not be too hard on myself for the state I’m currently in, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I can do this, I am strong, little steps for me.
Distraction is something that is something that can help you get out of your current mind thoughts.
So first thing I do is put music on my station triplej as this helps. Music has been my go to since I was a teenager it puts me in a happy place.
Also I have put my oil on balance to ground me, bottom of my feet and behind my ear. Haven’t done this for a long time, tools are really important to help overcome these waves of jumble.
Communication is a big thing, honesty … I told both my kiddies yesterday that I’m struggling that I need help, that I need them to assist me in doing as they are told eg electronics not in bedroom, not studying in bedroom or schooling as such. Just so they can see that it will help me.
You know I’m one of the lucky ones, I have really good support services and to communicate to them what I have written helps them to help me. It puts things into perspective that I’m just off my path at the moment and I will get back on this path just gradually as the footprints are already there, I have just lost my way at present and everything that I’m going through is understandable with are you okay and just the current climate that we are in.
So deep breathes, feeling better as I know I have been real with everyone that needs to know that I’m doing my best with what the situation is and will get through this.
On a brighter note, I did some yoga tonight, it’s amazing how good this feels and it made for a nice night.
Talking and just doing little steps has made me feel better.
So I’m living in the now, grateful of my loved ones especially my hippie as he just gets me and is there for me, with all my special mind health issues.
It’s important that I share the realness of what happens when I’m consumed with this heaviness. I know I’m not alone, which makes me feel that lighter in just taking the steps to make do with what is this present moment.