The Change

The Change
I haven’t opened the vault for a while, I guess I’m scared to see what will come out as it’s been quite a while – I mostly just keep busy these days it helps and I enjoy the challenge.
So what crazy times these are, my head still struggles with what everyone is feeling just the unknown of when this will end.
I haven’t felt down like feeling like crap, I do feel for our kids who are most vulnerable with not seeing their friends or having that face to face connection. I do struggle with not being able to make them happy or just abit easier.
So I haven’t felt like I needed to write, I guess I’m scared what can happen when I allow myself to just freely be restrained from this moment of ground hog day.
I’m not sad or poor me at this point and haven’t felt really down for a while.
Not sure if this is due to me being so distracted with the current situation that everyone is in or that I feel the need to share my headspace anymore as I feel the shift in depression/anxiety mental health it is coming to a point where I can openly say with confidence and no shuddering of feeling embarrassed or self worth that I live with depression and I’m fine with this as it’s who I am and I wouldn’t change this pathway that I’ve walked – yes there were crap times but there were the best times and I believe I have depression for a reason that I support and love everyday.
As cheesy as this sounds I am going pretty good, I’m not going to say I’m happy as honestly I really don’t know what that is and how do you define happiness.
It’s the little things that make me appreciate where I’m at – I’m constantly learning more about contentment.
Sure I have crap days like everyone – I do think I’m overthinking at the moment.
My main concern are our kids at the moment to keep an eye on them.
I see how easy bad habits can come about and have really seen the difficulties of online learning or exams.
So I woke this morning realising that there is definitely a shift with my focus on mind health and this is the longer our kids can’t see their friends the harder it is the quicker they can feel down and frustrated and we need to make an effort to try and help them because their brains are in a place of unknown we aren’t sure of the next freedom of such and we as parents can cope as we can go do essential shopping and our work keeps us busy.
With school holidays there is no routine – I can see the way in which the face to face connection that they are used to can have an effect on even someone who is normally fine.
So make the effort and look for signs as they are there and do something about it.
There are grey areas in our current guidelines and sometimes we have to do what is best which is worth seeing a smile or feeling less helpless with this moment in times.
Look for subtle shifts and act on them, personally I know how quickly you can go down loosing yourself without really acknowledging that this is happening.

Trying to remain calm for everyone, the realisation is concreted into my mind that my grey is not good.
What to do, what to do …. if only I could fix everything to make this life better for those that are not in a good place.
I’m trying to not go within myself to help, it’s hard and the realisation that whatever we are doing isn’t working is heart breaking and soul destroying.
Just one day at a time, checking that he is okay, the levels of concern escalating and yet trying to not alarm or make aware that you are scared of what could happen.
As knowing how quickly you can descend down this path without really having any control of the outcome, the scary part is it’s such a gradual incline slowly weaving the lack of what is good about anything trying to take over.
I’m trying to not make this about me not get dragged into the despair of darkness, I have to be strong and show that there is hope that life is worth living no matter what.
As a parent it’s so hard, so I’m putting all my tools into place.
First – distraction listening to music to get into my happy place.
Communicate to the ones that you are with that I pretty much know myself now that once I’m given something that effects me the realisation of the impact takes time to process the reality of what is real.
So I’m reflecting now on what I went through and I woke realising I’m the one in charge I have to be strong, I need to do something as I have the tools and the connections so I did this, it wasn’t easy and when I finished this the emotions of this came out like I had been holding them in waiting for the right time when no one can see that this is real.
So one day at a time, adjustments to medication, being on alert even more so and just taking time to see a smile, I have to remain strong and I will I’m personally in the best place I have been in a long time, yes I’m not going to lie I have to be careful not to let my early memories of my high school days where I coped by going inside Megan’s world to just get through those times to not have that desire to be liked that my emotions can take control and I loose who I am at the present time, the scary thing is your mind is so powerful and it’s like your in a trance doing things that you really shouldn’t do emotionally but you can’t control this, it took a good couple of weeks for me to gain composure it scared the crap out of me, and triggers can happen without you even knowing they are there.
I know this is deeply personal, from when I started writing to share the realness of the mind it has always been my goal to help others with sharing the realness of how powerful and strong the mind is.
You can feel like you have run a race when you haven’t even left your bed.
It can exhaust you emotionally that you are drained and so tired without no real reason.
There are so many different emotions with this illness and signs that it can make it really difficult to pinpoint what is going on.
It can scare the crap out of you as you personally think you are going crazy, the more we talk and share that this is something that can happen to anyone that we don’t go out looking for this illness that anything to a shock to the body e.g. could be a death in the family, operation, having a baby, anything that your body goes into the fight/fright response needing more seratonin from the brain to cope with this.
It can start the imbalance of what your brain needs to function to make you do everyday tasks.
So educating our children on this will help them understand that this can happen to anyone that you can get help that there is hope.
Especially now with this COVID situation, our brains are in the unknown of what to do, so that is another reason why there is a lot more depression/anxiety with this. If we already have a underlying issue this can escalate due to our brains having to work harder on pathways that haven’t really been on before.
The virus to me is scary, it’s the unknown and how it keeps changing the strains, it’s hard not to be scared.
We just all need to keep doing the right thing for everyone to get through and back to some sort of normality.


Has changed my life and I’m in such a good place at this very moment !!!
I’ve just had my 3 month session today and I’m proud to say my brain since having the last session 3 months ago has improved !! To explain this if you need to run something with 5 batteries to get optimum results I only need to use one battery as my brain doesn’t need as many neutrons to run my body efficiently.
So when you have depression or anxiety the brain has to use more batteries to run our bodies thus making us feel fatigued or on the other scale like your running a race.
As many know me I’ve been sharing the realness of this illness and I’m always searching for ways that fit me.
So even though my Husband struggles with me sharing this, I’m beyond caring how this makes me look as if I can help others get unstuck and find what is their fit for them, then so be it.
I want to share what I’ve been doing lately which had also contributed to my optimum brain health.
At Easter I started researching and reading up on IF intermittent fasting, I knew this was something that I could benefit from and I have been experimenting with my routine and lifestyle if this could be beneficial for me.
Well the moment I started there was this calmness as I was someone that grazed all day and after doing more research I believe my brain benefits me from not eating all the time, as when your eating your brain is constantly working so if I don’t eat for like 16 hours I notice the benefits.
The easiest way for me to do this is finish eating by 630 pm or 7 pm so you sleep most of the time.
I personally wasn’t a eater of a morning, yes I love my mocha so having to just sip water (basically anything that isn’t sweet) as the moment something sweet goes in your mouth your brain gets the message okay power up we need insulin to process food.
It’s really a habit we get into, eating and is does take a while to get your fasting muscles, the thing is you are in control and I don’t deprive myself of anything I just delay till when I can have my food.
The more you do this the easier it gets, and I’ve found if I having a fasting day and do my run at night I am loosing weight which for me it’s not about the scales it is how I feel in my clothes and my goal to wear my favourite dress that is quite snug on me.
My goals are realistic.
I don’t do the IF everyday I mix it up, which is something that keeps my metabolism guessing and not getting into habit.
So, I haven’t been stuck for a long time, I’m always searching for what can make my life the best it can.
I want you to know there is hope, that science is amazing !! Experiment with things outside of the square.
I was at a function the other day was complicated how good I look.
It’s about putting in the work and maintaining, there is no excuse.

Emotions ….

I feel like I’ve lost my mojo with my writing or is it that I keep quite busy these days that I don’t need to spill my thoughts who knows.
I learnt a bit about my Mum today which I love it makes me smile to learn about family where things begin.
I know it’s not easy for my Mum attending events now without Dad it’s like no one sees her anymore that she doesn’t exist. I know how hard it is remembering times of long ago.
I see it in her eyes as she is in another place where she feels she was complete.
I was so proud of her today, I told her how good she looked and I stood by her protecting her or just being the other part she needed to feel whole in these moments.
When we are together just her and I it’s special you see a side of her that she hides at times such a loving side and I learn why I am so like her with our ways not sewing that’s for sure she is so skilled at that she has been making blankets for others overseas that don’t have anything and they are so good, I’m so proud of her.
She made me one it’s a cat one and every night I curl up on the lounge with my blankie sometimes my Leo cat who is a big cat comes and snuggles up to me as well.
I knew the pain would come today it is what it is and you don’t realise how much you internalise thoughts until you are shivering with those deep emotions knowing that you have been here before and to be strong for others.
So tonight I ran with my Rosie, I love this time it’s like you are in your own moment it’s peaceful yet thrilling at the same time – normally I be listening to music that screams emotions and powers me through with the heaviness tonight I just wanted Something for Kate one of the classics.
I’m definitely in a better place these days, I don’t loose myself anymore to the darkness.
I work hard at it, I’m always trying different things as science is amazing and can change your life.
I know now that there are reasons for things happening for me going to places where no one should go, you know if I hadn’t you don’t really appreciate the good as much.
Just remember we are all so different, so what works for me may not work for you. So if your trialling something and you know it’s not for you – try something else and keep searching to you find what is right for you !! It’s so worth it – believe me I know.

Fasting My Feelings

So I’ve been fasting now since Thursday 1st April, I feel like this is something that will benefit me with my headspace.

I actually felt calm and not really hungry as lately I have been trying to have fruit as my breakfast or dragging my coffee out till I got to work.

I also have noticed that as long as I have something to drink I’m not hungry it’s just the habit of eating.

As soon as I started doing this there was definitely a calmness I felt.

I could think better, was less distracted and seemed to be more on task.

I don’t know if it’s my age that I’m listening to my body more on what it needs.

I know if I go for a run of a morning that it pretty much exhausts me and I have to rest in the afternoon to get me through.

So it’s the balance of should I wear myself out or not.

So since I started fasting on Thursday I haven’t done a run as I wanted to test whether I can still loose weight or not so much loose weight just feel better in my clothes.

No one noticed I wasn’t eating till lunchtime either so that was good, as I can still have a drink of something.

I’m only feeling heady today (Easter Monday) as Molly gave me scare at the beach yesterday and I thought she had drowned (went to bathroom without telling me) so I started to go into panic mode fight/flight response and due to this my brain stressed and released some cortisol which then caused a head ache. I know this is why and I’m okay with this.

So woke during the night had some nurofen and just feeling spongy today.

So I just listened to my body and knew I needed my coffee and food before 12 pm so I just did this and I felt better for it.

So back on track for Tuesday 6 April fasted to 12 pm and have stopped eating at 6 pm so 16/6 today.

Wednesday 7 April fasted from 6 pm to 915 am

Was trying to make it till 10 am oh well feel good for what I’m doing.

Did a run 3 kms at 430 pm

Weighed myself I’m 65.2 kg not that I really measure this as I’ve always gone by my clothes.

Will see how I feel after this.

Thursday !!! First Aid Course, determined to fast till 12 pm need extra brain power for this.

It’s full on, I feel fine just don’t like being yelled at.

Will see how it goes, can only do my best.

Well I made it and it was an achievement, at one stage I was crying and telling myself to just get through. It was full on, there were moments that I haven’t felt like this in a long time and it scared me. I was determined though and just pushed through. Luckily I had a partner that could see I was struggling and helped me through this as I lost all confidence.

I’m crying now just writing this as I wake at 430 am with a lovely headache. I get that we need to know everything but for duck sake don’t make us feel like this as it’s not good for anyone and we can only do our best.

I had a young lady with me and she was struggling as well. She was doing her nursing certificate and I hope this didn’t deter her as I can see how it could.

Anyhow I passed theory with one mistake and the answer was written on the board. As I can’t recall anything about this.

I got home and Mark was mad when I told him, he could see that I was emotionally drained and upset. He made me feel relieved that I hadn’t over reacted, I will let work know of the incident.

Words out are better stuck in, feeling lighter.

I ended up dirty fasting yesterday, as I woke with headache previously mentioned so I listen to my body and I just did what I felt it needed.

So Saturday is a new day, fasting again will be good. I definitely feel better for this within my body and I do feel lighter.

Sunday 11 April recap from the week, I like the fasting I feel clearer in my head and I honestly don’t feel like I’m doing anything to deny myself. It makes sense to me and I’m reading up on all the benefits.

So bring on next week as I’m loving this new way of life for me.

Hair …
You don’t realise how much your hair is apart of your identity.
It’s your thing that makes you feel good about yourself.
It’s what protects you, you can hide behind it.
Just recently I decided to shave part of my head for a cause.
At the time I was like why not !!! I didn’t mind the thought of doing something reckless for such a worthy cause was a no brainer.
It was a team event and I was surprised to be the only one shaving my head, everyone else decided to colour their hair, which is fine and I get it.
So, I got part of my head shaved, at the time I was calm just internalising what was happening, thinking of others that don’t have this choice that it is part of a illness.
After it was done, I walked to the ladies and looked into the mirror.
Was shocked to see myself with less hair, my ears stood out and I looked different.
Everyone commented on how good it looked, I just tried to be happy with it, still processing what had just happened.
So going home that day, I was exhausted and slept on the lounge soon after.
It made me realise how something can effect you, that you can internalise your thoughts that the realise of this finally happening let the emotions escape.
So …. it’s made me understand that not only when you have this disease and feel crappy that you also loose part of your own self to make things even harder.
The thing is I could choose to have my hair shaved or coloured, it was my decision – I could have it all shaved or part.
When your sick, you don’t have this option you loose this control.
Not having control isn’t the easiest thing, it’s part of life that we are in charge of our own destiny.
So I’m reflecting now, as I have this time to just think which I’m better if I’m busy …. we aren’t satisfied at times with anything, if we have thick hair we want thin hair if we have thin hair we want thick hair, curly hair straight the list goes on.
I have just realised, just be content with what we have enjoy the change this is really me I’m talking to, experiment !!! There are no rules I’m really just telling myself to suck it up !!
I’m enjoying the feel of this as I had short hair growing up and it does take me back, I was one to get my hair cut at a party to try and fit in and at the time it was cool as it made me feel like I was liked.
I really struggled to fit in at High School it wasn’t a nice time for me, I went into my own little Megan’s world to help me get through being picked on and being scared.
It caused me not to learn easily as I wasn’t enjoying my environment and I did have friends who I love to this day I just wasn’t happy and I didn’t realise my full potential till I left that environment.
I was lucky though, I had my parents who put no pressure on me and knew that I would be okay.
My only saving grace at this time of being in High School was the School Bus and my friends that I travelled with everyday, I was a different person on this and I had confidence.
It took me a lot of years to come out of my shell and when I did I have achieved so much personally I am proud.
I have changed my life to be where I am now and it wasn’t easy and at times I have been at my lowest.
I don’t know where all these emotions are coming from today, I guess I keep so busy these days I don’t let them have the time to come out.
I do feel lighter just getting them out, sharing what is going on within.
So just be content with where you are at, there are others that are suffering or that have seen the suffering that unfortunately can’t control what is happening and it’s sad, heart breaking actually.
One day they are here with us and then they are gone, not forgotten always in our heart, part of them always living on within us xxx

Where I’m at now

Well it’s important for me to update:
Yesterday I went back to my Clinic for my check up it had been three months so I was excited for the outcome.
Personally I knew that my brain is going well, I’m loving the challenges of everyday life and can feel within myself the confidence I get now from this.
Pleased to say that after my 12 minutes of Neurofeedback my brain was at a place where it hadn’t gone back wards it had remained and was improving within itself goes to show how amazing it is.
It truly gives you a new lease on life, like the skies not the limit.
So I don’t write as much these days as I’m so consumed with other things that there really isn’t a need for me.
I have found by keeping busy at all times that it doesn’t give my mind a chance to dwell or try and pull me down.
I still do my runs with Rosie as it does help me to feel good.
If I am home by myself I either listen to music or a podcast – I find this really good as well if I have a headache as it’s all about distracting the brain from the pain and in regards to my headaches I am having acupuncture which am noticing that I don’t have the severity of what I would normally get and I tell myself it’s temporary that once it’s over you simply forget the pain.
So this life is all about what can work for you, don’t feel that you aren’t fixable – there is hope and I’m hoping with my words that I write that this gives hope to others out there that feel they are stuck that to search for what is your fix, especially now we are still going through a pandemic sounds weird typing this word, it’s the truth though – one good thing is we are all going through this and our brain is in a place where it has never been before so it would be struggling to remain on its normal pathway as it is the unknown.
So if you feel off or not yourself look into this further, when we go into the flight or fright motion our brain needs more serotonin to help the body cope and this can cause then our minds to not function as they should which can cause adverse effects to normal day to day experiences.
We can become fatigued, that just getting out of bed is a challenge.
We can struggle to face the world, like even normal functions of walking can feel like you have concrete in your feet.
You can be emotional all the time, where you just think crying for the sake of it is normal.
Your tastebuds can change so food doesn’t taste how it should.
You can be not yourself in character and do random things which you wouldn’t normally do.
You have waves of the unknown that just come out of nowhere and scare the bejesus out of you. It’s the unknown which is scary as they are intense and looking back as I type this they were probably anxiety or panic attacks.
You see with depression it can change and one day you think you have been suffering with something then you get another characteristic like anxiety which then throws you into chaos.
Me just writing this my body is twitching, knowing I am stirring up some deep down emotions.
So …. I could go on as that to me is only a few of the symptoms that occur with Depression, not having control is what scares me the most and over the years educating and learning has helped me to overcome and live my life as normal as possible.
I still have my anti depressants daily which I am fine with this as it is keeping my serotonin in my brain balanced.
I don’t have gluten in my diet which has helped as well as gut health does effect how our brain functions.
I have my supplements daily and to assist with my sleep have liquid melatonin just before bed.
Sleep is something I prioritise as I can’t function to my optimum without this.
So please keep searching for what is out there that will work for you we are all so different and there are so many great services and products to assist us with living with this illness.
It’s the little things that can make a huge difference in this life.

I write when I need ….

I write when I need to clear space
More often lately I haven’t needed to do this, I do think it’s important to keep everyone updated on where I’m at as I have waves of should I share or shouldn’t I, am I needy of this or should I just get it out and just do what I think is right.
So ironing this morning I normally have music to distract me or a pod cast to listen to I didn’t have anything I just had the thoughts in my head.
I realised I don’t give myself time to do this normally as it would be not healthy at one stage if my life to let these thoughts just go awol, now though I find it constructive if anything.
I think of things that just randomly pop in and I make note of what has to be done.
I’m really pleased with life at present, I’m enjoying the time off my normal schedule with spending time with my kiddies and family.
I’m constantly learning new things about the business so my brain is happy with new things.
Christmas wasn’t easy, it is hard at times being in the space where there are memories of the last moments of being with my Dad. There are constant reminders of him which makes me smile, pesky cockatoos tapping on the glass door to be fed random times of the day. The water where he spent a great deal of his time fishing. His presence is felt everywhere especially with Russell & Chester.
I feel for Mum as well, I am not as bright and bubbly as my siblings so I try to not get too sad.
I’m not the only one though going through this, there are so many others with this moment of hardship and the first moments are the hardest, it does get easier over time, you know that they would want you to be happy so there is that thought that makes you smile when you buy those cherries as memories of what you grew up with makes them taste better.
Memories!!! are so important it’s remembering the moments of growing up being with the person who moulded you to who you are today that remains forever in your heart.
It’s when I butter a piece of bread and spread it as thick as cheese I think of him.
It’s having habits that I have picked up over the years that I know he is still part of me.
So with tears rolling down my face now as I know I have unlocked a vault for a moment, I smile as I love that he is still with me that I still see him in others in myself and I know he would be proud of all of us at where we are in this crazy time of our life’s.
So, enjoy every moment don’t overthink what you need to be doing, relax – breathe – smile, be content as I am, listen to others and just be.
So maybe this is why I don’t write as often, as I seem to dive into a place within that I keep closed.
Breathe …. yes, feeling better maybe lighter for sure.
May this new year be easier for others, that you look at challengers as a positive.
I know things are brighter for others, that by starting to get out and get the endorphins pumping will make life that bit better.
Until next time ….

Well today

Well today ….
Is the day that I have completed my Neurofeedback sessions, it has taken 22 months from the time I started February 2019 to now with weekly, fortnightly, to monthly appointments.
I hope by sharing this journey that I give others hope that depression/anxiety isn’t untreatable that you can live with this illness, with hard work and determination.
What can I say I’m so grateful of where I’m at, to where I was and am feeling pretty chuffed with myself.
I can go back once every 3 months to make sure I’m still all good, and this is nice to know.
It’s called life changes not just a faze and daily dedication to making sure I’m using my tools.
So still on my medication daily, having supplements, using my headspace app with daily medication, not having any gluten in my diet and reducing some dairy.
Exercising regularly either slow jog or now gym which recently joined.
Good sleep of a night time with the aide of liquid melatonin. Using night mode on phone after 7 pm.
So what I have achieved with the completion of my Neurofeedback is created new neuropaths that can work more efficiently from the frontal brain lobe.
Basically retrained my brain to get off old pathways with habits and onto the newly created pathways.
Personally I have really seen the differences in what I can do.
I’m back doing payroll which I love, I’m up for a challenge and just determined to do my best always.
So, yes there are days that I still can feel a bit off and that is okay as we have to have the feelings of low to appreciate the feelings of high.
The high definitely out weighs the low and I’m learning everyday to be appreciative of this.
The beauty of the brain is it can only get better, myself as proof as I went back today from last month and it had improved from the last session.
So keep searching for what is right for you, I fell upon this by simply asking a question.
Would this benefit me …

It’s worth it

Today I’m struggling with my headspace
There are always little signs that I have to watch out for and I am aware.
Like this week I have been feeling good so I exercise more then normal, it’s the fine line of knowing your boundaries and limitations which you don’t have until you go over them.
I get emotional without knowing why, and start tearing up – when normally I’m good and can handle things pretty well.
And my taste is out of whack and I can’t seem to eat or drink what I normally do.
My tummy is churning and my head ache is rearing it’s ugly head again.
So I am concerned a little that I’m out of whack and I am frightened that I could be loosing some control.
I guess the good thing is I am aware and I can put my tools into place.
I have my Neurofeedback session this week which will be good to check in with my psychologist as I’m down to monthly sessions which is a big deal for me.
I know others can read this and think I’m after attention, it’s not that for me it’s about being real with how this illness can effect you and how it lyes dormant within you then can appear at anytime without you acknowledging this.
That’s why I share this as for me it’s about being real with what is really going on in the inside as we do look so normal from the outside.
I take medication daily for my depression as well as a lot of Vitamin B’s, Silver, Iron, Zinc and Magnesium – you have to find what is the right fit for you as everyone is different.
I don’t have gluten as this can give me the same effects if I was feeling depressed.
It’s a lifestyle change and it’s finding the balance of what works.
I’ve learnt to be mindful of using blue tooth devices that I’m quite sensitive.
I make sure I have good sleep as well.
So this morning, even though I have slept from 1030 to 8 am I woke up feeling hungover, which sucks as I don’t drink alcohol.
It’s concerning as we keep hearing about suicide among our young adults.
Let me stress the mind is so powerful, we are still in the unknown and I know how smart it can control us and how quickly it can bring you down.
Sharing this has helped me get what is inside and feel less heavy, I’m actually feeling better.
It’s Sunday and I’m still feeling groggy definitely better then last night.
I lost control to a degree the pain took over, I tried everything not to let it control my time it gets to a point that you try anything, listening to a podcast, sleeping – didn’t really work, I ended up having my Leo cat lay next to me I just tried to distract my brain as much as I could.
I’m not proud of having pain medication, I don’t like that I can’t be my full potential when they hit and I still don’t know what causes them.
This is the first time since Sunday where I have had a moment to just be, I love these moments and feel lucky for them.
I have just had my monthly visit of Neurofeedback and I’m happy to say that I only have one appointment left this year and then I have completed my sessions.
I can come back for a top up next year if required, pretty much this is my achievement.
My grey is doing well this week has been some really positive changes, smiling more, actively attending outings socially and exercising more.
I’m so proud and feel that we have finally achieved some happiness which has been a struggle.
Never give up finding the fit for everyone that needs this, it is so worth the smile I am getting at times the effort you put in.
I still have been getting my headaches so had a chat today with my psychologist I haven’t been meditating or doing yoga.
It’s funny how your mind just doesn’t act like it needs these tools and I feel that I need to experiment with getting back into these processes to see if they will reduce my headaches which are normally caused by stresses or controls that are out of my control.
So I do get emotional still uploading these thoughts, happy tears really if anything.
We are all feeling weary coming towards the end of this year, it’s been a lot to process this pandemic. Not being alone is one good thing, that we are all going through this and we can openly talk about our worries and concerns – yes the stigma is reducing, I still get the nervous shiver when I talk about depression, it’s hard not to – I just want to be real with the emotions that are still there, you see we need to communicate this through to our kiddies that they are not alone as this is effecting them more so this year with the lack of face to face interaction.