December – Mixed Bright Lights

December – Mixed Bright Lights

Where I’m at, this is what I like about my creative time, it’s my time, there is no pressure only on myself which is great, I do feel a little guilty that I haven’t had my normal weekly upload of writing, I just have been so consumed with life that everything else that isn’t a priority gets pushed to the bottom of my to do list.

I know it’s still there just hovering not really weighing me down as such, so I’m going to just update on where I’m at, I have written just little snippets of days I got to, so I’m still trying to work out how to do this.

So instead I will start from the now and update as I see it should be input from the past few weeks.

I am in a place that I never thought possible at the beginning of this year.

I am in a new job which I love, this was a personal achievement to personally step out of my comfort zone, speak my mind and be honest no matter what the outcome.

I knew for me to move past my triggers I had to leave my comfort zone putting my brain to the test by learning new procedures.

I am the only one in charge of what I choose to do, it’s about knowing your boundaries I really have concentrated on what works for me personally, not to overdo anything.

I have examples when I have been doing more yoga to feel better with my core, there is no excuse I have the mat and the DVDs ready to go, I find this is less exhausting then going for a run, I’m not getting any younger so running can absolutely leave me feeling like I have nothing left and night time is the best time to go.

Meditation is something that I try and do daily, I have an app on my phone, I find a place in my room before I walk out of a morning, as soon as I walk out I’m on duty with Leo our cat meowing flat out for food, as he is always hungry.

I am on the countdown for my Neurofeedback Sessions to finish.

These sessions for me have been life changing, I feel that it was meant to be, I’m more confident with life.

I’m staying in a frame of mind that isn’t going down the deep dark hole of loosing myself.

If I have a bad day, I’m just having this and that’s life.

I still take medication as I learnt the hard way, that if this helps me to function normally then it is what it is.

I’m okay with this, it took me a lot of time to realise this and now am not on the pathway of having to be weaned off my medication, just grateful that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for someone else.

It’s a personal thing, you are not disappointing anyone.

I don’t even know what day it is today …. that’s when you know you are on holidays, we are in Melbourne doing the tourist thing, loving the Christmas vibe and where we are staying, the weather is crisp and fresh a huge difference from the 40+ degrees when we first arrived.

So, my first impression of city living, everyone is very friendly and happy to help you, it’s a healthy lifestyle as well, not that where I live is unhealthy, you can walk or tram it to various places.

We are heading out to family today, it’s amazing how good I feel just doing a run can put you in such a good head space, I’m not a fast runner if anything I’m just a steady pace, it helps just getting my heart rate up, there are lots of people walking, running, taking their furries for exercise, it’s courteous as well run left hand side one way overtake if need be, there are black swans with their babies, the water isn’t clean it’s murky, it still is relaxing though to have this outlook.

My memory is great, my new neuropaths are working really well. I can recall finer details of previous nights conversations I’m not in the fog where I’m stuttering with putting sentences together, my attention is precise, I hold this and take information in like I’m studying for a exam.

I was really pleased to see the outcome of something personal yesterday, it made me smile. It has been a long process.

We did the tourist thing as well, taking a tour of the MCG to make it even more worthwhile we got to see the Australian Cricket Team practice as well.

So I’m home now from our holiday, have needed normality now, I overindulged on Christmas Day with chocolate and paid for it dismally, a head ache from hell that lasted days, I didn’t help myself though and putting this to the test I probably breached gluten as well.

It’s like a reminder of why I don’t go there, I was lethargic for days, couldn’t sleep properly, pain in my head that wouldn’t go away, forced myself to do things, pretty much bed ridden.

So lesson learnt that chocolate indulgence was not worth the pain, it held on for days, I only came right yesterday on our drive home, I haven’t had anything that would take me back to that place since Boxing Day, really isn’t worth what I went through.

So my feet are tingling, it is so good to be back home into normality, I have completed my headspace to get back into routine, I already feel better that I’m getting back into these habits.

We are such creatures of habit, I realise this now, yes it was great to be away, we totally did switch off.

I could only do this for a short time, the unknown wasn’t very easy for my brain to navigate, it likes routine.

Back to routine I say.

1 December 2019

It’s amazing how one day you can feel on top of the world, then the next day you feel like crap.

That’s life !!! Plain and simple …. I write as I get the thoughts that are flowing freely in my head out to the world.

I am struggling a little today, there is always a risk of when you go and eat out that you can have just a smidgen of wheat that can throw your system out.

It is what it is, I’m cool with this, so I have a plan in place that if my head is heavy that I need to shift this, I know my yoga and meditation is a good start.

Today is the 1st December 2019, very soon my Dad would have been left us for 4 years, time is something that does make a situation of loss seem that little less hard.

I personally still at times, don’t believe he is gone, I struggle with this, it’s like our brains are wired to not comprehend this ever eventuating, yet, it will happen to each and everyone of us, we are just in denial of this fact, that it won’t happen to us, that we hope that we just keep going.

So, time makes this become real and I know now that if I do leave this world unexpectedly that I have been honest with where I’m at in helping others with depression, it doesn’t scare me at all, I just want to help others overcome the darkness that can take hold with what I have been through.

There is hope, having depression has made me become stronger and more determined to beat the inner thoughts that can strip us of our own selves. We have to be strong for others, to show them that it’s a life long commitment, that we are the only ones that are in charge of our destiny, it has to come from us we have to find what works for each of us, as we are all so different.

So, I’m a little dark at the moment, which is fine, heavy head can do this to you, fun fact !! Last night I had my work Christmas 🎄 Party which was really nice, I have been short sighted for a lot of years so I can’t see distance, I forgot my glasses to drive home so I had to wear my sunglasses, which actually wasn’t too bad, they are prescription and polarized so I was happy about this.

Anyhow, my thoughts are flowing like they normally do when I have my creative time, yoga is going to happen to get me in a better frame of mind.

Let’s just see if this works ….

It’s been so long since I got to just empty my mind of what is locked inside, I wrote the above on the 1st December, it’s now the 11 December, this year is flying before my eyes.

Where to start, well it will be coming up to 4 years since Dad left us on the 18 December, I have constant reminders of him daily anything with wings, especially the willy wag tails, their chirps it makes me smile.

For me it has been the balancing act of trying to please everyone then at times being blamed for doing something not the right way.

My head is scratchy as I write, I am twitching with frustration I feel pleased with my achievements I do, there is a constant tugging in my mind of just breathe.

I went for a run on Sunday, it was the perfect place and I love running with the water in my sight, I was shocked at how close the fires had come, it was black and red the left overs it was actually pretty in a sad way, you can see where new shoots of green grass are sprouting up through the left overs.

The fires have been devastating not only to others but to animals as well, it’s a sad feeling a hopelessness when you cannot see the blue sky or that the Sun is hot pink due to the smoke covering it.

They have come close to my family, who have been fine, we are definitely feeling the effects of nature with water restrictions happening all around us, there are constant reminders of natural disasters every day, are we becoming too greedy with life in general, personally I am looking forward to the water restrictions, I feel this will teach our children that there are rules for these conditions that this is part of life lessons to do the right thing, that we don’t just say things for the sake of it, we are trying to teach them to be good persons in life.

This at times I struggle with the why I can’t motivate others that it’s a constant battle to get help, that is this because we spoil them that they constantly have a phone or device attached to them, the addiction is real, I know this there is always a constant get off, come out of your room, The sneaky of what they are doing.

So with this in mind it’s hard to relax, that’s why I make myself do yoga and meditation as it really does work.

I have had my creative time now, I feel a lot less full with thoughts, today I am going to just take time to breathe, not worry about having to achieve everything, just enjoy time with my loved ones.

12 December 2019

Pain is something I struggle with, it can put my mind into overdrive I go into the what have I done to cause this, was it something I ate, did I not hydrate enough, have I worried myself into this state of pain, the list goes on.

You can sit and wallow doing the poor me, or you just have to move, just small steps will overcome this.

So today instead of fighting with, be strong get yourself out, I took some pain medication to help me.

Time is the only thing that can help you to overcome, just trying to distract yourself your mind that it’s all in your head.

It hits me hard this one, I woke at immediately knew my right side was throbbing, I’m okay, I haven’t had one of these for weeks, could be payback for too many late nights.

So, little steps today, just keep moving, hopefully this will shift as I’m struggling with function.

Still bright, wanting others to be bright

Three things today I have done to overcome stress.

First meditation, then yoga, then a run !! I was determined to beat my mind, there is still a dull ache, nothing in comparison to when I first woke up.

The mind is such a powerful part of us, we have to find what works for each of us, no one person is the same.

So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I put practices into place.

I know my head ache is from tension, so it takes effort for the brain to be working on the holding tension, so then this puts stress into the brain causing it to try and fix everything.

I’m determined though, more then ever.

I have come so far with where I’m at, a little bit of pain is minimal in the comparison to where I have been.

I read one of my posts when I first started Neurofeedback, it’s been life changes, getting outside my comfort zones and just at times hard !!

Determined for others, for me to prove to myself that I can beat this, well I had to, my children can’t see me throwing in the towel, then they will feel like doing the same if things get too tough.

So life goes on, some days are easier then others, you have to make choices that put you on your right paths, things don’t come to you, you have to go out, do the hard work to find what is the right fit for you.

So that was Saturday …. I ended up having to have some iproben as I started getting nauseous, with breakfast and this head ache slowly disappeared, it was tension I know this as I still had the shoulder issue, which was fine.

Sometimes you just can’t do anymore then to take something, it’s not a sign of weakness, you just need a little help with feeling better.

So once the pain subsided I was able to get things done.

I felt lighter within myself as well, for exercising and meditating, there are days that you feel heavy, today I felt lighter and confident, enjoyed being outside in the public, it really makes a difference your mindset, it can change what you think is going to be a struggle less, things are achievable and we learn so much from each other.

The more I open up about the heart ache I have with struggles that are happening, not with me, I learn of choices, options, it breaks our heart at times, we only want life to be easier, it’s cruel the journey for some, we are determined though, always have been, always will be, no matter what, it’s what we live for, I know there are others worse off.

It’s hard not to take this personal, to blame yourself for, did I cause this, we are always on pedestals going around, do we do this, should we try that, is this going to be worth the pain it may cause, why did I do that, I thought this would turn out better, I know if you don’t try that there will always be the …. well at least we know that didn’t work, it pulls on your heart strings, you feel a failure for trying, it can really put you off going down the path of let’s try this, as it can take so long to get back to the place where they started from.

My lesson that I have learnt, some of us just need that tablet or medication to be balanced, that it’s not a bad thing, if you are still dealing with the real issue, not just covering up hoping it will go away then your being proactive.

No one is going to give you a medal for being medication free, it’s not the end goal, the end goal is to be in a place that you are happy within yourself, content with where your at, feeling loved, enjoying life, not feeling pressured to be the best at everything, just being in the moment and enjoying the little things in life.

I’m bright, helping others to feel the light.

It has taken me a while to work this out, I have a time where I just switch off to everything, it’s normally first thing in the morning on a Sunday as I am alone while other is out.

I’m calling it my creative time as my thoughts just rush out with hurried relief, I’ve kept them locked in for a week so it feels good to just release them onto here.

So I have had another successful week, not one without challenges, which is fine as that’s what gives us determination to keep wanting to achieve.

I can’t stress how good I feel, 29th session of Neurofeedback I’m on the countdown, my brain is probably working the best it has in years and I’m so proud for where I’m at, not without determination and sometimes pain, it hasn’t been easy. I’d be lying to myself if I said different.

This does sound cheesy I know, if I can overcome depression, there is definitely hope for so many others, I’m 44 years old, I’m learning everyday that today is a new day, to enjoy the new beginnings, it’s a lifestyle change that I won’t risk doing anything different, no matter what !!

You see I still get migraines, I’m sensitive to gluten !! Just a grain can set me off, I know now what I can and can’t have, it’s just not worth the outcome, as it takes over me I try not to rush to the hard pain medication, there are times though where it is the only relief I get.

Pain isn’t nice for anyone it can make you not want it for anything, so it was okay this Wednesday as my Psychologist could see that my brain could function fine I just needed to have some tools in place.

So I downloaded the headspace app, started meditating, just basic breathing, calming.

Next morning I still had some pain, nothing severe just a dull ache, I was determined, I got out my yoga mat and did my yoga, normally I just go through the motions not really concentrating too much on the breathing, this time it was all about the breathing, I felt great afterwards my mind was fresh, there was no pain, this just confirms to me how powerful the mind is that me just doing yoga, decluttered the mind and opened up where the tightness was being kept.

So I am really pleased and have been meditating when I need to as I have the app on my phone.

I also use my oils as a combination of being mindful of where I am holding tension as I now know that stress and gluten breach causes my migraines.

I keep repeating all of what I do so that you understand it’s not about just popping a pill to make everything better.

I am still on my medication for depression, I have reduced this as instructed by my doctor, at one stage my goal was to not be on medication, that I didn’t needn’t to be on this.

Well I was mistaken !! I saw first thing how quickly someone can go downhill from being weaned off this, this was done as instructed by a Doctor as well, it scared me that I could do this and the consequences it caused.

I felt sick, I wasn’t happy, it made me realise that we are all different, each one of us that yes medication is a bandaid as such, it also does help to keep the brains serotonin balanced.

It confirmed for me that some of us need this more then others, that without this, we don’t function as we should.

Life lessons to the extreme I guess, which isn’t good for anyone, we are still working on this each day, I am happy now to not have the dream of being medication free, I have realised that some of us just need this, which is okay.

As long as we are aware, keep being proactive about where we are, then everything will keep being okay.

So I have had new beginnings for my work life and I am loving this. Not without frustration, hard work, learning again, feeling stupid at times, I am happier, I’m at a place where I set myself goals, just little achievable ones, so don’t expect things to happen, you have to go out of your comfort zones to get them.

Another thing that I can’t stress enough, depression is caused by your body going into shock at anytime of life this can be for example mine, having Molly I had a emergency caesarean so at the time my body needed more brain liquids to get me through the trauma, after this I didn’t have enough in my brain to cope with normal life from this.

It took a long time to realise this, I didn’t really notice I was different, my loved one did, I tried to fight off the craziness with exercise for a while to get those naturally endorphins, it didn’t work it wasn’t enough, I went downhill very quickly I was lucky that I got help and was given medication that instance, I still remember the stigma back then about, me not coping, it took me back to being at School that feeling of not being good enough to be in the right crowd.

I remember coming home, expressing this then realising I didn’t need to be in that place anymore, from that day I found others that were real and good for me.

Thinking back now, it was probably my own mind playing tricks on me, that paranoia, just so powerful.

So, the moral of this is …. depression can happen to anyone, it’s not something that you go out searching for.

I still remember one time telling someone openly I had this, the response was…. but your so nice !!! Like it was a bad thing that it changed me, that’s why I keep sharing my inner thoughts and belief as it can happen to anyone, if your body goes into shock !!! it just needs help to keep balanced, we can’t ignore the signs as it can downward spiral very quickly.

Look out for the signs, always ask this, tell them they are not alone, just be honest, speak the truth, just be real. X

For others that are struggling to be Bright

Sunday 10 November 2019

I’m feeling Bright maybe some others are not …. and this is why I write what is real, the truth that is out there.

I get these gut feelings at times about others that are close to me, it niggles me to the point that I check in to make sure they are okay, as I know there is a reason I have these feelings, I just can’t ignore them.

And my gut is always right, so this mind health, depression not only effects just me and I’m in a place where I thought was never possible, I never gave up on myself I knew that I had to show my own that we can beat this inner darkness, what hope do they have if us as there confidants leave them in despair.

It felt at times I was so alone, it wasn’t till I started to write my inner thoughts and share them that the commonness of this illness was shared upon.

I may be in the best place, which I am grateful for, I worked my but off though and there were times that I could of easily crossed that line of is this worth it.

Guess what !! It is, I know now that if I leave this place I have given my utmost to help others, to just be real and acknowledge what this is, it’s not something to be ashamed of, even though gosh there still is stigma, it’s about being honest with yourself, I can’t take anything back over the last few years of where I have been, no one knows these feelings unless you have been there yourself and the crazy thing is it comes in so many different shapes and colours, not one person will have the same experiences as we are all so different.

Please speak up and ask anyone that you can see is struggling to let them know they are not alone, yes we are talking more which is awesome and I’m pleased, just knowing you are not alone can be a huge brick off your shoulder, I know this.

So Me, I’ve just come back from my Sunday run I’m no runner far from it, my Rosie girl loves me for it and she cries now until I take her, I’m still going to keep sharing my inner thoughts I know I’m helping others even if it’s not acknowledged and I’m okay with this, we have to keep being real about where we are at, I’m standing here breeze nice and cool listening to AFI blasting in my head reminiscing where I have been and where I am, music is something that I can escape to, let my emotions just slip out and explode onto my finger tips, the relief I get from this is lightning the heaviness, it’s amazing the feels I get, it’s like my time, and this is the now and let’s not give up on what is important to us, our loved ones, life ….

From Brighter to Brightest

28 October 2019

I’m feeling pretty good with myself, I’m really happy with where I’m at, I never thought just being closer to home would make such a difference, it has in ways that takes the pressure off myself.

So on a lighter note my head space has been not as deep and dark, if anything the complete opposite.

Does this mean there is an end to my writing, do I no longer need to share my thoughts with where I’m at, really not sure, if anything I felt lost on the weekend, having more time can make you think more.

Wednesday 6 November 2019

Its really important I believe to still keep updating everyone where I’m at, even though I’m going really well, there are others close to me who are not.

It hurts me to see this from the outside as I feel frustrated, I can see there is a struggle to want to be part of us, it’s like they go within themselves wanting to shut everyone out. I know this as that can happen, your mind is such a powerful thing it can change you without realising, so technology seems to be the only friend which scares me as it’s not real.

On a different note, I just yawned, sneezed and hiccuped at the same time, what a weird feeling that was, if something weird will happen it’s going to be done by me.

Back to seriousness, the technology does scare me, I can see an addiction, with both more so then one.

It’s getting to the point that they carry something with them at all times the FOMO, it’s the endless issue that my husband and I argue about kids with technology, we are always setting rules it’s a constant battle I feel there is no real switch off unless they have devices out, we are all starting the no device free time, it’s all of us not just the kids, I’m hoping with a joint effort that we get back some normality into the house, that we can all sit together as a family and just do things, that it becomes effortless not a chore.

I can see the hurt it causes, it makes me cry, it makes me as a parent feel useless, that we both feel responsible.

We are working on this, we have night time covered for one just got to get the other sorted, excuses are made that can’t sleep unless they have a audio book on their device to listen to, we will look at other options as there could be more then audio book being played.

So that’s where my head is with issues, it does feel good to just offload this, I have been so consumed with my new work life, I love it, the best decision to start fresh, new beginnings everything just worked out and I feel so grateful as cheesy as this sounds. Not without hard work and effort, it was like a decision was made in my mind, I knew for me personally moving forward I had to put myself and my family first. It wasn’t easy, it took a lot of strength, yes that’s the word, to walk in and speak my worth, it felt good at the time, afterwards I wanted to hide away coming to terms with what I had done.

I guess the important thing to take from this is, I put my self worth first, it was my first step in getting out of the old and onto the new.

If you want to get better and triggers were always going to be there out of my control I had to start fresh, it hurt to get out of my comfort zone there was a tugger-war if this is going to take effort do I really want to take the plunge? There were signs though that confirmed I was on the right track and as much as I loved my work family with all my heart, this was for the best, this was for me to start the new me, show others that if you put the work in to make life better for yourself it will happen. You do have to put the effort in, it won’t come to you.

I spent hours fine tuning my skills of applying for jobs, literally hours !! I hadn’t applied for a job for nearly 15 years as I had been with the same Company since my late 20s I learnt a lot, it wasn’t smooth sailing I was determined though, we are the only ones that can change our destiny, no one else can, you really have to just keep doing what is right for yourself.

So this is where I’m at, just a quick snapshot of my current state of mind.

From Bright to Brighter

10 October 2019

It’s important for me to be real with this life, so the first part is just this.

Deep breathes were what I took to get me going this morning, I wasn’t on the verge of loosing it, I knew it was a hump that I just had to get over.

The thing is even though I’m real about my depression, you can’t feel embarrassed by having this no ashamed because that’s exactly how you feel.

I can’t change this though, it is what it is I can’t undo the past, I can only move forward.

I knew deep down that there would be obstacles and being honest is the only thing that I can be, if your not you would always be looking over your shoulder wondering when they would find out the truth.

So it got easier today as the day went on, the more I verbalised my inner concerns the more it calmed my mind knowing it really was just a process, that I am doing everything to overcome depression, that if it’s meant to be it will happen.

So just making sure I did everything right was calming my nerves, last week my tummy talked nervously all week, just processing change or not having control wasn’t easy for anyone, mind you a good way to loose weight as I lost my appetite and was so consumed with change that it took me all weekend to gather myself back to the now.

I’m excited though, new challenges ahead, meeting new people gaining new knowledge, just beginnings of the unknown I am thrilled, bring it on.

Believing in yourself is something you just have to keep doing, if there are hurdles you can be challenged which is what this life is about, you have to make the effort to just do this.

I have had support with this whole process, which has definitely helped, just having check ins to make sure I’m okay makes a difference knowing your not alone.

Being honest always and trying to be a good person has helped me to move forward.

Not giving up on the things I believe in really has got me to a place where there is rainbows.

Today is special for me, it’s my Dads birthday, I see him everyday, whether it’s a willy wag tail or a pelican flying high, I smile knowing that I have been one of the lucky ones.

I’m lost for words at this moment, the last few weeks has been stressful with decisions that have been made.

I feel like now I’m coming out of the other side, learning from all the hurdles life throws at us.

You really appreciate how precious this is, when you see loved ones in a different stage that you never thought this would happen to us, that it makes you realise or puts things into perspective how the little things make such a huge impact on to take the time to checking with everyone.

And just on cue the black cookatoos are singing in the distance, reminding me how I love where I am at in this life.

The second part is how you can be struggling one week then say the next week your completely in a different place, as below explains ….

New Beginnings, I am definitely feeling really happy for where I’m at in life !!! Just being closer to home has made a huge difference so far on my life, knowing I can get the kids sorted for School and out the door is already a great feeling.

It’s funny the little things can make such a impact on your happiness.

I haven’t written for a while, lots of changes, occurred and I was so consumed with the processing of this that unfortunately my writing wasn’t really thought of, it was easier to express my emotions with live thoughts, now as I unload all these the lightness is making me feel good that I probably should of taken more time to write these down.

The good thing is I got through the testing times without going down the deep dark hole of helplessness if anything it felt good to be honest with why I was feeling the way I was, I realised that the more I spoke the truth the less heavy it felt, yes there was the tiniest of oh well it is what it is, I just thought in the end I’m here I can’t turn back time I’ve worked so hard for where I’m at, if this doesn’t work out go to plan B no biggie I’m healthy I have a wonderful family with beautiful friends in my life, life will go on the way it should.

The bonus was I missed two weeks of my Neurofeedback and I had my normal weekly session this week and everything in my brain’s neuropaths were still the same, I hadn’t slipped back at all and reverted to my older paths where this would take me to the unknown of loosing control, that was a great feeling to know you have really tested your brain’s pathways with some really emotional changes, that it still remained strong.

I also am still having my anti depressants daily not adjusting any dosage due to all the changes, it’s important to realise this that even though we may feel like we should be reducing our dosage, if there are other factors in life staying on the same dosage will help keep you on the same pathways.

I have learnt this the hard way, that everyone is different, we all are a different make so what might work for me mightn’t work for the next person.

So don’t feel obligated to do what others are doing, you have to do what is right for you the individual. Believe me as a Mother I now know just how precious changes can effect loved ones, it’s scary how quickly this can occur, you think your onto it, always be mindful that at times you need to listen to others.

This rose is just an example we have all yellow roses, one needed replacing so instead of getting a yellow one we chose a different colour one.

It’s good to do things out of the square x

From Bright to Brighter

Nervous energy is bubbling inside me this morning, change is always something that effects everyone differently.

I’m feeling sad, I’m not feeling as guilty anymore as I feel after yesterday I’m okay now to be honest with my beauties which that was the one thing I didn’t like not being honest, so that’s good.

Nothing serious has happened we are all still healthy and I know that everyone will be placed and new beginnings will occur.

You just get used to being around beautiful people they become your family, you spend a lot of time with them so knowing that this is changing and not having that control is sad.

It’s life though really it puts things into perspective of how enjoying your environment is important and I’ve learnt so many valuable skills and life lessons with all the beauties.

Nothing like a change to put some stress in your body, this will be fine, sometimes you can look at this as a cleansing experience, gosh you have to take a positive from this in some way.

I’m feeling better uploading these thoughts, my nervous energy is starting to decline which is great, we are all healthy there are and will be new opportunities for all of us, the experience we have gained and learnt from each other is so valuable we will be forever connected with this.

I’m feeling grateful that I have had such a wonderful work life with the years I have been employed, everyone is here for each other, I have such great respect for the environment of wonderful beauties.

Yes, my nervous energy has now gone, just getting these thoughts out of my head has helped considerably I’m very excited for the future, challenges are welcomed, doing what is best for me and my fam is the most important thing at present, so I’ve come this far, walked those steps each time they are heavy, new opportunities for us, utilising what I have been taught over the years, being grateful of where I’m at, always being supported in a way that I struggled with knowing now that it was to help me get through the stress of life, yes I am passionate if we weren’t then it wouldn’t show how much we care about what we do, I feel for others the shock of change, I was already in a different mindset, for me it was still hard to process, what the beauties must feel is 10 times worse not having any idea, that sudden change in your future, the unknown, the loss of control, there are so many thoughts I’m sure of racing through, we will all be there for each other, helping us achieve the next steps, supporting as much as we can, just encouraging the beauties to move forward to the next stage in our careers.

Sunday 6 October 2019

This is the first time that I feel I can just stop, the week was crazy, the nervous energy just smashed me, I was totally consumed with change, accepting this as best I could, going through each process knowing each time I can only do my best.

Appetite was distracted by nerves, knowing that I had hurdles to overcome was eating me up at times.

I can only do my best, I can’t erase what I have overcome to get to this place, honesty is just being real.

I’m still not totally through the finish line, I just have to believe that it is what it is, that I can only do my best, that if I don’t get the green light then it just wasn’t meant to be.

I can’t change where I have been, there is only the now and the future, believing I am capable of new beginnings is something that I have been setting myself little goals, realising that if you just keep fine tuning and doing the right thing as best as you can, others will fully support you, as I would always do the same.

I still get frustrated with how closed we are to opportunities, I don’t get why it takes so much effort for others to just listen to what could help them. We are so busy being busy that we aren’t taking the time to help each other, we can all help each other, is this why we are becoming disconnected at times by just not having time to speak, gone are the days of just catching up, we are all so busy, it has to change, we need to change so our kids understand that there is more to life then screens, that we don’t have to worry about image as such, we just need to enjoy watching that movie without the distraction of notifications.

I try so hard to get others to listen, to do something extra, to take risks, it is exhausting getting commitments I’m shut down immediately, it’s hard to not take this personal, it makes me realise how wired we are that as soon as we make up our minds there is no changing the course of what is perceived, we need to think outside the square, we need to try new things, be open to change, welcome challenges instead of Groundhog Day.

No one can do this for us, we are the only ones that can make this happen.

Don’t assume the other person will do this, it doesn’t have to be huge just even an attempt to listen or turn up.

I hope that we don’t just keep assuming, just be real, make efforts, try new things, believe that actually the impossible is possible, trust others who are trying to achieve small goals, give them the time as hard as this can be, just be open to trying something perceived as being common, help each other to achieve small dreams.

My head hurts a-bit after these thoughts are leaving my mind space, it really confirms what life issues there are, that we are so wired with being cautious that this doesn’t leave room for the unknown or risk taking or trying something different.

I worry what messages this is teaching our kids, with us not being open to change, it concerns me as I feel this can effect real potential, we need to be showing them that risks are worth it, that life isn’t just handed to us, that we have to work for where we want to be, we need to show them that it’s hard, it can hurt at times, we also need to just be real.