From Bright to Brighter

10 October 2019

It’s important for me to be real with this life, so the first part is just this.

Deep breathes were what I took to get me going this morning, I wasn’t on the verge of loosing it, I knew it was a hump that I just had to get over.

The thing is even though I’m real about my depression, you can’t feel embarrassed by having this no ashamed because that’s exactly how you feel.

I can’t change this though, it is what it is I can’t undo the past, I can only move forward.

I knew deep down that there would be obstacles and being honest is the only thing that I can be, if your not you would always be looking over your shoulder wondering when they would find out the truth.

So it got easier today as the day went on, the more I verbalised my inner concerns the more it calmed my mind knowing it really was just a process, that I am doing everything to overcome depression, that if it’s meant to be it will happen.

So just making sure I did everything right was calming my nerves, last week my tummy talked nervously all week, just processing change or not having control wasn’t easy for anyone, mind you a good way to loose weight as I lost my appetite and was so consumed with change that it took me all weekend to gather myself back to the now.

I’m excited though, new challenges ahead, meeting new people gaining new knowledge, just beginnings of the unknown I am thrilled, bring it on.

Believing in yourself is something you just have to keep doing, if there are hurdles you can be challenged which is what this life is about, you have to make the effort to just do this.

I have had support with this whole process, which has definitely helped, just having check ins to make sure I’m okay makes a difference knowing your not alone.

Being honest always and trying to be a good person has helped me to move forward.

Not giving up on the things I believe in really has got me to a place where there is rainbows.

Today is special for me, it’s my Dads birthday, I see him everyday, whether it’s a willy wag tail or a pelican flying high, I smile knowing that I have been one of the lucky ones.

I’m lost for words at this moment, the last few weeks has been stressful with decisions that have been made.

I feel like now I’m coming out of the other side, learning from all the hurdles life throws at us.

You really appreciate how precious this is, when you see loved ones in a different stage that you never thought this would happen to us, that it makes you realise or puts things into perspective how the little things make such a huge impact on to take the time to checking with everyone.

And just on cue the black cookatoos are singing in the distance, reminding me how I love where I am at in this life.

The second part is how you can be struggling one week then say the next week your completely in a different place, as below explains ….

New Beginnings, I am definitely feeling really happy for where I’m at in life !!! Just being closer to home has made a huge difference so far on my life, knowing I can get the kids sorted for School and out the door is already a great feeling.

It’s funny the little things can make such a impact on your happiness.

I haven’t written for a while, lots of changes, occurred and I was so consumed with the processing of this that unfortunately my writing wasn’t really thought of, it was easier to express my emotions with live thoughts, now as I unload all these the lightness is making me feel good that I probably should of taken more time to write these down.

The good thing is I got through the testing times without going down the deep dark hole of helplessness if anything it felt good to be honest with why I was feeling the way I was, I realised that the more I spoke the truth the less heavy it felt, yes there was the tiniest of oh well it is what it is, I just thought in the end I’m here I can’t turn back time I’ve worked so hard for where I’m at, if this doesn’t work out go to plan B no biggie I’m healthy I have a wonderful family with beautiful friends in my life, life will go on the way it should.

The bonus was I missed two weeks of my Neurofeedback and I had my normal weekly session this week and everything in my brain’s neuropaths were still the same, I hadn’t slipped back at all and reverted to my older paths where this would take me to the unknown of loosing control, that was a great feeling to know you have really tested your brain’s pathways with some really emotional changes, that it still remained strong.

I also am still having my anti depressants daily not adjusting any dosage due to all the changes, it’s important to realise this that even though we may feel like we should be reducing our dosage, if there are other factors in life staying on the same dosage will help keep you on the same pathways.

I have learnt this the hard way, that everyone is different, we all are a different make so what might work for me mightn’t work for the next person.

So don’t feel obligated to do what others are doing, you have to do what is right for you the individual. Believe me as a Mother I now know just how precious changes can effect loved ones, it’s scary how quickly this can occur, you think your onto it, always be mindful that at times you need to listen to others.

This rose is just an example we have all yellow roses, one needed replacing so instead of getting a yellow one we chose a different colour one.

It’s good to do things out of the square x

From Bright to Brighter

Nervous energy is bubbling inside me this morning, change is always something that effects everyone differently.

I’m feeling sad, I’m not feeling as guilty anymore as I feel after yesterday I’m okay now to be honest with my beauties which that was the one thing I didn’t like not being honest, so that’s good.

Nothing serious has happened we are all still healthy and I know that everyone will be placed and new beginnings will occur.

You just get used to being around beautiful people they become your family, you spend a lot of time with them so knowing that this is changing and not having that control is sad.

It’s life though really it puts things into perspective of how enjoying your environment is important and I’ve learnt so many valuable skills and life lessons with all the beauties.

Nothing like a change to put some stress in your body, this will be fine, sometimes you can look at this as a cleansing experience, gosh you have to take a positive from this in some way.

I’m feeling better uploading these thoughts, my nervous energy is starting to decline which is great, we are all healthy there are and will be new opportunities for all of us, the experience we have gained and learnt from each other is so valuable we will be forever connected with this.

I’m feeling grateful that I have had such a wonderful work life with the years I have been employed, everyone is here for each other, I have such great respect for the environment of wonderful beauties.

Yes, my nervous energy has now gone, just getting these thoughts out of my head has helped considerably I’m very excited for the future, challenges are welcomed, doing what is best for me and my fam is the most important thing at present, so I’ve come this far, walked those steps each time they are heavy, new opportunities for us, utilising what I have been taught over the years, being grateful of where I’m at, always being supported in a way that I struggled with knowing now that it was to help me get through the stress of life, yes I am passionate if we weren’t then it wouldn’t show how much we care about what we do, I feel for others the shock of change, I was already in a different mindset, for me it was still hard to process, what the beauties must feel is 10 times worse not having any idea, that sudden change in your future, the unknown, the loss of control, there are so many thoughts I’m sure of racing through, we will all be there for each other, helping us achieve the next steps, supporting as much as we can, just encouraging the beauties to move forward to the next stage in our careers.

Sunday 6 October 2019

This is the first time that I feel I can just stop, the week was crazy, the nervous energy just smashed me, I was totally consumed with change, accepting this as best I could, going through each process knowing each time I can only do my best.

Appetite was distracted by nerves, knowing that I had hurdles to overcome was eating me up at times.

I can only do my best, I can’t erase what I have overcome to get to this place, honesty is just being real.

I’m still not totally through the finish line, I just have to believe that it is what it is, that I can only do my best, that if I don’t get the green light then it just wasn’t meant to be.

I can’t change where I have been, there is only the now and the future, believing I am capable of new beginnings is something that I have been setting myself little goals, realising that if you just keep fine tuning and doing the right thing as best as you can, others will fully support you, as I would always do the same.

I still get frustrated with how closed we are to opportunities, I don’t get why it takes so much effort for others to just listen to what could help them. We are so busy being busy that we aren’t taking the time to help each other, we can all help each other, is this why we are becoming disconnected at times by just not having time to speak, gone are the days of just catching up, we are all so busy, it has to change, we need to change so our kids understand that there is more to life then screens, that we don’t have to worry about image as such, we just need to enjoy watching that movie without the distraction of notifications.

I try so hard to get others to listen, to do something extra, to take risks, it is exhausting getting commitments I’m shut down immediately, it’s hard to not take this personal, it makes me realise how wired we are that as soon as we make up our minds there is no changing the course of what is perceived, we need to think outside the square, we need to try new things, be open to change, welcome challenges instead of Groundhog Day.

No one can do this for us, we are the only ones that can make this happen.

Don’t assume the other person will do this, it doesn’t have to be huge just even an attempt to listen or turn up.

I hope that we don’t just keep assuming, just be real, make efforts, try new things, believe that actually the impossible is possible, trust others who are trying to achieve small goals, give them the time as hard as this can be, just be open to trying something perceived as being common, help each other to achieve small dreams.

My head hurts a-bit after these thoughts are leaving my mind space, it really confirms what life issues there are, that we are so wired with being cautious that this doesn’t leave room for the unknown or risk taking or trying something different.

I worry what messages this is teaching our kids, with us not being open to change, it concerns me as I feel this can effect real potential, we need to be showing them that risks are worth it, that life isn’t just handed to us, that we have to work for where we want to be, we need to show them that it’s hard, it can hurt at times, we also need to just be real.

From Bright to Bright

I haven’t had a night like this for a long time, it’s hard to not go into overdrive with the what the frog has caused this.

I love that instead of frig my spell check has corrected to frog.

Anyhow I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself, it’s hard though in these moments when you are stuck, feeling despair.

So I’m going to experiment and trick my brain into thinking that everything is alright that I’m just having a creative moment as I lay here wondering why am I awake at midnight, so there is still a twinge I get of self worth, I’m trying ever so hard to not let this bring me down.

It does help I’m not alone, my eyes well up with tears as these words hit the page.

I wish I could just be satisfied with where I’m at, not feel that I need more, that I can do better.

It’s like every time I start to think of change my mind knows and hits me with the unknown that throws me into utter confusion of how has this happened, am I just over doing it.

I should be feeling so happy with where things turned out, I’m still angry at myself for letting loved ones get to the dark place, it scares the crap out of me as I was so blahsay with just let this balance out, that this is just how it is, that you start to think having all the emotions connected with despair is normal.

I am lucky though that we have so many great support networks that it took one of them to acknowledge this that I realised the significance of what was really happening, it scares me now how dark it got the steps that were taken, prevention.

You know I think distraction is working I’m getting weary maybe the second dose of melatonin will knock me out to get some good deep sleep now.

Waking up now Thursday 26 September I couldn’t even write yesterday, everything was just hard, thinking was hard, staying on task was hard, basic stuff just hard.

Until then, no sleep came and I wasn’t capable of anything, the kids got themselves to School that was my own real task I had. Leo my big boy laid with me all day, he settled my frustration with his warmth and heaviness, he knew I wasn’t coping well at all….

Yesterday was a struggle, I can’t explain the feeling of being disconnected, just in a fog to be honest, I tried to sleep to get better it didn’t really work.

So I made the decision then that driving would not be safe either if I struggle to function with basic tasks at home I wasn’t going to risk this driving.

I’m lucky that I have such great support with all my professional businesses, they know that it’s not easy at times to make these appointments and support me with the decisions I make.

Even now I struggled with the flow of normality, oh well today is a new day, the real frustration is that I don’t know what caused this Migraine it is so frustrating if it was a gluten breach well that could be the only thing I can think of, I’m so good at not having any it confirms why I don’t have it.

Reflecting on yesterday I struggled with my triggers, the self worth tried to take over, to get through I just shared my thoughts with another, which helped it put things into perspective for me, I know I’m not alone, it got me out of my negative state to be productive.

To be honest I hate this feeling of not being satisfied, the why can’t I have that, I personally struggle, I was so wound up from my normal routine being tampered with that I just focused on what was in front of me, less distraction.

So today is another day, fresh start, I’m going to really set myself personal goals, I know I can do this, I really want to achieve.

From Bright to Bright

What a week !!! Let’s just say as a Mother there is always life lessons, the journey continues on being there for my loved ones.

Always act on your concerns when it comes to loved ones. Don’t assume that everything is okay, even though you are guided by certain instructions these can put a situation out of sorts as everyone is different and what might work for one could effect someone else.

If you can see that someone is not acting like themselves, just look into this as they mightn’t know they have any issues.

It happened to us, the crazy thing is I couldn’t see the changes until others noticed as I’m with this person a lot, I just assumed that this was normal, it’s not till you are safe guarding your house, being told to not leave this loved one alone that the seriousness of this situation hits home.

I felt bad, at this situation it’s hard not to, it made me realise how precious our loved ones are that we are in charge of their life, that they are in our trust. That decisions we make can have huge effects on them not us as such.

It was good to have confirmation, that we did everything right, we followed the proper instructions that was given to us from our Medical Person.

I’m learning more about medication, with the Neurofeedback sometimes one needs some of both for them to balance out.

Being on medication isn’t a cop out, if your body isn’t making enough dopamine or seratonin then these ingredients help to make the body function.

With the medications that are currently been weaned off, there are none that stay in your system. So there shouldn’t be any effects of weaning off these if done correctly.

On another topic, life is good I’m in a good place I’m trying to remain grounded with being satisfied with my work life balance, it’s a work in progress, it’s the one thing that rears it’s ugly head and I’m doing my best to remain satisfied with where I’m at.

I feel like life is flying way too fast these days that we are still so busy that the face to face connection isn’t as common, yet I crave for this and struggle with silence and being by myself on my day off.

I’m loving the last rain that we received, making the animals I see on my way to work smile and great to see the empty holes being filled with water again.

Never give up on what you believe in, no matter how big or small, just setting yourself little goals can help you achieve the ones that you think aren’t possible.

Getting out of my comfort zone has been something that has helped me to keep moving forward, there are days that I feel like crap, it’s normally sugar overload or not enough sleep, I know though that it’s for a short time and that tomorrow is a new day.

More and more I’m hearing the C word, yes cancer, the scary thing is it’s becoming so common to hear that someone has this. I wish that there was a cure for this terrible disease, it’s effected me personally with both sides of my family having lost loved ones.

Anyhow I’m rambling on, it’s been a week since I wrote or uploaded what’s going on in my head it feels light to let these thoughts go, I breathe realising where I am that sometimes I’m so happy with this moment.

From Light to Bright

Friday 13 September 2019

Life lessons, this week has been easier then last week. I feel like I have stepped closer to where I am meant to be. I talk more about why I get so passionate about depression how I struggle with the fact that others are still leaving this life when they have still so much to give.

The sadness it leaves in their loved ones is tragic, if only they knew that they weren’t alone, that there are so many others out there feeling the same way.

My head hurts or gets a slight ache as this is spilling out from inside.

I know there is still this elephant in the room as much as we say there isn’t.

As I did a live FB on Wednesday for Thursday on depression and are you okay, only one person acknowledged out loud to me that they supported me.

Doesn’t that say something, that are we still to scared to acknowledge the truth, we need to be more open with this issue, these feelings if we want our kiddies to know that it’s okay to have struggles that they need to talk to us share with us if they aren’t feeling themselves.

I see this in front of me, I see how fragile they can be, it’s not easy with all the pressures of life I get it.

I still have those triggers wanting to sneak in a bring me down, it’s the self worth, it takes effort in just facing them not taking it personal it’s a daily battle, whether this still stems from feeling like the black sheep, I don’t know, I try so hard to not let the paranoia take over, I’m determined to just keep moving forward be happy with my achievements in where I’m at.

So each day when I’m walking up those steps I whisper to myself I’ve got this, that don’t look back just keep looking forward be in the now.

So music/podcasts anything that can keep my mind from jumping to the self worth dark place is what I do, I try and remain focused learning from others as well as zoning into my own space to not be overcome by paranoia.

I’m not going to lie it still sits there, it isn’t as deep or dark as it was, it still just sits there idling on the side hoping to get a chance to rear it’s ugly head. It’s ugly as it’s not me, it changes who I am as a person, so controlling this can take strength which I work at each day.

So not only does depression exhaust you it can change your personality to something that you wish you weren’t, the carefree person at times can be feeling like she is not worthy of what she does, she is frustrated at times of the why, she wishes she could just be satisfied, she is trying so hard to not let the darkness take over.

At 23 sessions of weekly neurofeedback she has come so far, she is determined to just keep putting that one foot in front of the other, she has to remain strong but also honest.

We have to be real with how we feel, this is how we can achieve our goals, it’s not easy I know I just know that these life lessons will hopefully shape us to share with others that we can get through this that this can make us stronger more confident each day by sharing this inner strength that we obtain from educating ourselves on how this works.

From Shining to Light

I wake this morning trying to figure out what happened yesterday, even last night the mention of my emotional state I could feel tears welling up.

It was out of my control, no matter how hard I tried to push those emotions away, nothing was working, it started with tears just rolling down my face, then anger, my self worth just detioriating right before my eyes, I was so ashamed and spent at the same time, for fright sake I’m in my forty’s and I’m getting upset like I’m a kid again, get over yourself, totally felt stupid and ridiculous.

I wish I could just be this person who didn’t have this emotional baggage, that I could just keep moving forward to not feel like I’m the one being judged, paranoia tries to take over, it plays with my mind, it can change you as a person that you don’t want to be and I hate it, I call this a life lesson, it’s the only way I can move forward, I am annoyed that I didn’t stay and just keep pushing through the wave, it confirms that I still have a long way to go in terms of self worth, I am embarrassed that I caused a fuss, I have always been one of these people who puts my heart and soul into my work, I can’t do it any other way, it’s stemming back I guess from early years where the black sheep came from where School wasn’t easy, the environment was harsh, I really struggled with my existence I wanted to be invisible, I was picked on for being so quiet, it really did effect who I was, I have since learnt that I wasn’t the only one, there were others going through lots of other issues, kids can be so cruel without even realising what they can do to someone’s esteem.

So for some reason I’m determined to not let this define me, I do feel like I ran away yesterday and I’m ashamed, I couldn’t tell my hubby this I just felt defeated, I just couldn’t stop crying, no matter how hard I tried, why??? I tried to change my mind thoughts at work listening to music zoning out, I feel like I’ve set a presidence for my work environment. That I’m the emotional freak who doesn’t like change, it is what it is the day was yesterday let’s move forward I have to, I just can’t dwell on these previous thoughts I have my Neurofeedback today, I will explain what happened yesterday my poor psychologist will be trying to work out what is going on, he maybe able to explain why this occurred, that everything that I’ve worked hard for was overtaken with emotions. I really lost my shit yesterday, my head took over the person I am, it broke all the barriers that I have kept up, I’m fragile now, emotional exhausted.

Taking a deep breath, yes that’s it breathe, I have to pull myself out of this poor me crap, just move forward, not dwell, just move forward, face the world, I can do this, nothing is going to bring me down, even writing this I have negative talk trying to overtake this, move forward, just one step in front of the other, I have these thoughts that everyone will be walking around me like egg shells, I am still struggling with the shame, this truly has effected me, I’m playing against happy and negative still trying to bring me down, I just have to keep moving, I know I’m not alone, doing this to show that I can’t be beaten, it’s hard I’m just going to do my best, hey.

From Brightest to Sparking

Checking in this week, I haven’t been writing about my depression this week as I’ve been trialing a different way to reach out to my friends through FB with my Skincare which is another side of me that has helped me as well to walk out the front door.

This week there has been a lot of I am so proud of myself moments as my determination and life journey for one of my own has been rewarded.

Do not give up on searching what you believe isn’t the answer, I never gave up on my grey one I just knew something wasn’t right.

So if your not happy with one opinion, look for another one, as you know deep down that everyone is a different make, that what can work for one may not work for the other.

I am down to half hour sessions with my Neurofeedback, the switch has been changed as soon as I am plugged into the EEG through sensors placed on different areas of my scalp, the beeping just goes off, rewarding me with the sound of I’ve come so far.

I can actually now feel the pulsing sensation in my head it’s quite a feeling, it’s like I am in control of what lies before me.

That’s what has been a huge aha moment, knowing I’m in control as this is huge.

It’s the unknown of Depression, that scares the bejesus out of you, that one day you can feel like nothing is wrong, then the next your struggling to just be, to roll out of bed, to breathe the list goes on.

I know there are so many others suffering, some so close it breaks me at times, I just want to scream to not give up!!!! Gosh if I can get to this place, anyone can, we don’t have to suffer alone, we can share that we are feeling not good, if someone else then reciprocates this back it can just take the edge off that craziness.

Such basic things can make a huge difference to ones own thoughts, you can be told by others that they are worried, it’s like you don’t want to bother others that it’s all in your head, just do little steps, get that foot one in front of the other, you mean so much to the ones that love you, trust me on this.

So I’ve just got back from my Sunday run with my Rosie, our furries are such inspiration, they are such beautiful souls.

Just getting your heart rate up can change the way your mind feels letting in those happy endorphins.

Little steps beautiful people, listen to the Music that makes you feel alive, this life is just flying so fast, at times it’s so scary how quick my children are growing up.

I know that I am doing my best, that hopefully me writing these words are helping others, that these days we can be so connected with each other even though we are so far away.