My Why

My Why !!!
This hasn’t changed for me, if anything it gets stronger as time goes by.
Life is about navigating as best you can, learning from what you have, knowing there are reasons for why things happen the way they do. I believe this with my whole heart.
Accepting that everything is not the same as everyone has been hard and we learn everyday that little goals can be achieved, that you have to set these goals though, you have to know you can’t just expect changes to occur, that effort has to be put in by everyone for achievement.
Hard to hear words that you know deep down is the truth, you only want what is best, for them to be happy, for life not to be a challenge.
You wish you could take away this frustration and sadness that you see, you want to make things better, easier. You feel useless, it’s hard not to.
So my why will never change, it’s about being able to help others, give them confidence, help them to achieve living life without pressure, it’s what we live for.
No one knows what is really happening behind closed doors, only now others are starting to notice changes.
Acceptance is what has been hard and that’s cool, the knowing that we are both in this together, that there is hope that I am never giving up, forever searching for the black and white.
What else can I articulate, make effort to see what is in front of you, go with your gut and never assume that your wrong.
The mind is so powerful and smart, just keep trying to find what is right for your fit, everyone is different, effort with ongoing communication and telling them they are loved even though nothing is ever reciprocated, just keep being there for them.
Life is hard, when you have times when you are at your lowest, just remember that it’s only temporary, that this will pass, you will appreciate the good times so much more as they will stand out and you will feel alive.
So run like the wind and set your mind to achieving the impossible.
I will be with you with every struggle or happiness you will receive.

Learning about ourselves

I feel that I’m a sponge at the moment, I take the opportunity to learn whenever I can, I know education is what has given me the confidence to share and to speak with where I’m at in life.
I’m constantly taking in anything that I know can help others, as I know the answer is out there and I’m determined to find this, anything to make their life’s easier is what I’m striving for.
We can utilise the technology to find this, I’m currently listening to a pod cast all in the mind, it’s so interesting what you can learn about the most powerful thing that controls everything in each of us.
Science is discovering new things everyday, we just have to tap into what works for us as a individual.
Yes….. today isn’t easy.
I’m struggling today, I have mind pain and it frustrates me to no end of how this occurs, I really try to be a hero, I know pain doesn’t last forever, believe you me there are others much worse, I just vocal this as it does help me to get these words out of my head.
I’m actually just sitting in my walk in robe in the darkness, finally had some meditation and I’m listening to music to just keep me from falling in a heap.
I feel crappy and I guess my day off I have time to think which can be dangerous as I can get lost in what is real and struggle with functioning normal.
When I’m on a work day I am so busy and distracted that I don’t have time to dwell.
It’d hard not to feel this way, I’m sure I’m not the only one and I’m probably just having a bad day, so I’m just going to keep going as we only live one life and I can’t dwell on poor me crap I just have to move forward.
It really does help that I’m emptying these thoughts out, why is this so, the mind is so powerful and today I have listened to podcasts to distract me, it’s just hard when you don’t know what causes the pain, frustration takes over.
After my head space meditation my music automatically started to play and instantly I started to feel better.
Music transcends me into memories of my youth, spending hours listening to music, hanging out, going to music festivals and just being, it’s what makes me smile it always has, my head is a bit scratchy I’m definitely feeling better though.
I wish I thought of this first thing, just getting the junk out of my head, not really junk maybe clutter, I’m listening to Smashing Pumpkins their early stuff, it calms me the heaviness of the guitar.
Right !!! Whatever I have just done I’m feeling so much better, just keep moving and stop poor me crap, Mark thinks I’m crazy that I share these personal thoughts, feelings, my struggles, life in general, I don’t care to be honest, when you nearly loose yourself to darkness whatever is written after that is nothing in comparison, I know that this is read and can be interpreted however you may like. It is helping so that is all that matters.
Tuesday 18 February 2020
It’s been a while, I get so caught up with life that I loose what is priorities.
I am going good, really good in terms of depression I’m in a different mindset.
This is due to staying on top of my health, still having Neurofeedback the last went as long as a month in between appointments which was a good test, after last week I am still on fortnightly which is fine as this is life changing for me, I know that the longer I keep having these sessions the better it is for me.
I have to show others that you can get through this that it isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
I’m learning so much.
Friday 21 February 2020
I’m loving this cooler weather, we are at Williamstown in Melbourne it is the prettiest of places, I love coming to Melbourne, each time I visit we find these hidden gems of where you feel like you are in a different part of the world.
This week has been much the same, still in the process of trying to find what is right for one, it’s a constant burden of feeling helpless in this situation. We try so hard, it’s good to get away and be in the same place all together, we get to really see what each of us do with our time.
We walk everywhere from where we are staying, it isn’t that far I’m happy to do this as it does make you get those endorphins, the houses around here are exquisite in themselves, with the manicured gardens, beautiful gated entrances we feel the elegance of this area, we are a block away from the ocean, couldn’t of picked a better location.
We are here for a purpose a family gathering which is really nice, love having family time with our Tassie family, there isn’t many of them, so it’s really lovely just being in their company.
As you can see by my tone, I’m much lighter these days, definitely not heavy with darkness, enjoy spending time playing board games, hanging out laughing.
We have rules, to try and balance out technology we have to do some sort of activity or exercise to try and not be on devices for too long. We just need to be consistent with this, just today I noticed the difference with spending time outside.
Another new thing for me is not having milk anymore, having almond milk as an alternative.
Today, Wednesday 26 February
Lots happening lately, I struggle to keep up with everything.
Thursday 27 February
Yesterday was an emotional day, I struggled to keep it together I was trying to be so strong for everyone at the meeting and once I heard the words come out in front of me I just lost it.
As parents it can be heart breaking to witness the sadness you see in front of you rending you useless as you are stuck in the unknown of what to do next with out fucking up someone, yes that’s right I used this term as that’s pretty much how I feel that’s what’s happened and I feel responsible as this is me in control of the being controlling pulling the strings trying to make life better and then realising that this could be the undoing of all the hard work.
It breaks me, that’s it and I feel like I was holding my breathe yesterday to hear words come out, when the words did come out I broke down with tears.
You see, we are never told what is going on, we want to help it just seems to make the situation harder, all we want to do is help and we can’t break down the wall, it scares me how within yourself you can go, that you are just ticking boxes to get through, no matter how hard we try we can’t help.
We are never giving up on this journey, it’s what I’m here for, it’s why I have been there as well, to share that you can change, that there is hope, that you are not alone, we are strong, I will never give up on finding the black and white, I know grey is where we are at, the thing is we have support, what about those that don’t have this, or are ten times in a worse situation, I feel for those struggling alone with the inner demons, I truly do as I know how hard it can be to just find energy to breathe, don’t give up searching for what is your true colour, we are all so different, you just have to find what is right for you.

New Paths, New Me

The beauty of having a blog is there is no pressure

I have so much inside me at times that I need to let out as it can consume me without realising.

Last week was huge for me, since my new job I was on my own, determined to do everything right and not to let others down.

It took a toll on me as by the weekend I was exhausted.

I still have to remember I’m not Superwoman trying to achieve everything, I have some great tools now for when I can feel pressure arise.

I’m still struggling with being in control of others that knowing I am shaping what their destination is, at times I question myself am I doing the right thing, it pulls on my heart strings.

I know deep down this is what has to happen, it’s a battle to get anything achieved, I worry about what I can do or am I doing enough, this brings tears to my eyes each time.

Being a mother is hard work you question every decision or how to express yourself, you feel at times that if you don’t try these options you are hindering others. Then when you do and the result isn’t what you thought, you blame yourself for the outcome.

I’m determined though, I know that things have happened to make me realise how hard life can be for others.

I’m strong now, the strongest I have been, I haven’t had any real relapses since my Neurofeedback Sessions and am a different person, life is challenging that to me is part of this existence, if we don’t have challenges we wouldn’t strive to be a better person, I have always been honest with my kids, I want them to see firsthand how hard life can be, that you have to work for these goals, you need to do the work, you can create your destiny.

We are stronger then we think and determination is something that you just have to keep being to shape whatever outcome you want to achieve.

Thursday 23 January 2020

I’m a different person now, I’ve come along way to where I was. I see the shock in people’s faces when they see me and they believe that I am changed, I feel like I have a new brain that anything is possible, that there is no better time then now, not to dwell in this state of this is forever to find your own answer, as it’s out there and if you believe that there is hope, eventually you will find what will work for you.

I have been doing meditation for a while now, nothing complicated just 10 minutes a day, I don’t know how it works it does though, I really feel like I’m in the now as cliche as this sounds, I am in a space in my mind where I don’t seem to feel pressure as such, that I am pretty much calm.

It’s really nice to enjoy the feelings of smelling the roses, laughing when you can at silly stuff.

I’m still doing my Skincare, it’s my thing I’m not putting pressure on myself to be someone I’m not, I really struggled with the personal side and mental roller coaster of feeling I had to achieve and realise that I can get consumed in something that yes the products are great, I love them, and we all use them daily, not everyone thinks the same as me, that it’s not a personal thing, I really struggled with this at times, it took time and I am always learning that what can work for someone may not work for others.

Once I realise this I’m more content with just doing what I can, prioritising what is more important, so there is more space and less pressure in my mind, that I don’t have that constant voice in the background pushing me to constantly try to achieve the impossible.

Monday after Australia Day, I’ve just returned from a exhausting run with my Rosie, it’s not that hot it’s the humidity that knocks you around, words seem to flow once I’ve been for a run, it’s like even though I’m listening to music I can think about life. We were recently at Sydney with friends enjoying the sports of Australians we had just arrived in the gates people everywhere hustling and busting to get to their seats for the match, we suddenly hear a terrible sound it’s the sound of head hitting concrete hard, at first people think this person is kidding around until she starts having a seizure, my beautiful friends swing into action putting their first aid skills to use, reminding me that I need to update mine, just putting it off.

They do everything right make sure she is comfortable that she can’t hurt herself communicating with family from her young siblings to find out what she has to assist in this moment of terror, they are calm and dedicated, I feel proud that I’m with them.

Her family finally arrives after what seems to take forever and she is getting the support she needs.

I’m concerned with, how long it took to get real assistance, for a venue this big that if someone was having a heart attack the time it took they probably wouldn’t have survived.

It made me realise just how lucky we were with Dad the day he had his, that he had been at the right place at the right time, that we had another two years with him, that it gave us a jolt of reality how precious life is, that I wanted to tell him how much he means to me, he was ever so humble and would never want to be treated any different. I guess I’m like him, I keep a lot of inner thoughts inside, I still hear his voice and I miss him so.

Memories are what we have of times we have with others that are not here with us, it’s important that we keep being in the now and not the past or future, yes we can plan, we just need not consume ourselves that we miss out what is right in front of us.

Changing Colours

Today has been big ….

I’m excited with my Neurofeedback 5 weeks since my last session, brain is doing well, if not better up to 31 sessions as of today.

I am on the countdown to finishing these sessions, originally it was between 30-40 sessions it could be getting reduced to 35.

So I feel like I have a new brain, refurbished if anything, I’m craving for knowledge I want to learn more about life, share my inner thoughts of where I’m at.

I do believe we are on pathways that are guiding us to help navigate us and others to share our own thoughts and experience as I know now why I have gone through what I have and there is more to come in this ever involving world we live in with its everyday challenges.

Getting back to what is important to me is my health as if I’m not on top of this I can’t be a good mother to my kids or wife to my husband.

There were moments this week where things aligned and I know now that I’m not getting too excited for the next phase, just feeling relieved that maybe this will be easier for some as life is a inner struggle and it breaks my heart at time to witness this and all you want to do is make it better, it’s just not that simple, so learning and being more confident in this area I’m hoping this will make the grey become more black and white.

So always follow your gut and speak the truth, I know I’ve been holding this in as tears just rolled down my cheek at times from the release of the build up kept inside, without knowing we worry internally it was a mixture of relief and sadness.

We all are special and unique everyone one of us, we have to be content with what we have, knowledge is knowing more and giving confidence to those that are in denial.

I personally am in a good place, it feels good to get these thoughts out, they aren’t dark anymore, the bottomless pit is not in my sights anymore, my direction has shifted and life is not just for me, I’m not toxic which is great, my meditation has been another practice that has helped me achieve my goals with neurofeedback as I’m in that place where I need to train my brain to get into that state of peace through breathing.

I noticed this at my current session that I could get into my zone.

When I’m meditating listening to my headspace, I can feel the tension melt out of places where I hold this, it hasn’t been a quick process it’s a daily ritual that I do for 10 minutes and I definitely notice this at work when I really need to zone into tasks.

So an update, I’m gluten free, I take all B supplements in liquid form, magnesium, zinc, silver, and vitamin C.

I also am still on my Zoloft 150 mg a day, I’m okay with remaining on this medication as I know it balances my brains seratonin levels.

I have liquid melatonin of a night, and I try to keep my sleep the same as I still get exhausted from big days.

I know my limits with exercise, if I run in the morning I’m exhausted in the afternoon, I’m best to do yoga instead.

Still love my music I have just got back from my mid morning run with Rosie, some oldies came on that made me run that little bit faster, Powderfinger, Silverchair, Superjesus, Smashing Pumpkins the heaviness made me smile.

Happy Last day of 2019

Happy 2019 – Helping others, sharing the light.

I had to share this, I’ve been stuck with how to let everyone know that I’m in a really good place with my mind health.

I find that routine is something I need and meditation and yoga is part of this.

I want to let others know that coming up to a new year I’m in such a healthy head space from last year, that sheer determination and pain at times, just being real, doing things outside of normality and believing in myself has got me to a place where I’m grateful.

Yes this sounds cheesy, I know, don’t get me wrong I still have days where I struggle which is normally from overeating milk chocolate or gluten breach, it seems to get worse as each time I do this and at times can last three days of struggle.

It is what it is, we learn the hard ways, I say this to myself each time this occurs.

The mind is so powerful, I’m still learning about myself every day, I internalise at times my struggles that I see on the outside.

I know that my mind has been recreated as I am amazed with how I want to learn more about what makes us tick.

We are constantly battling with electronics and the world of technology, it concerns me that our children are on these platforms that can be shared with people that are not good and take innocence away from them. Hopefully we can keep educating them of these dark places that lurk behind these screens.

My skincare is still going well, I love the feeling of confidence I receive, for me it’s helping others feel good about themselves.

Educating my kids on looking after their skin, as my Molly uses these products daily which I’m really pleased about.

So different from when I was a child the same age, Skincare wasn’t really something that I did, I did stay out of the sun I always covered up and looked like a total nerd, I didn’t care, I remember being young and going to the races one time with my grandparents and my nose got soo burnt that it peeled, from that day on I never went in the sun without a hat or sunscreen. There were times that I was criticised for being so white, I didn’t care I have always had my skin checks and been cleared so I know this is because I have always been careful.

So, we are on our way to Forster to see my family who I adore, it makes me smile just thinking of them, I miss them, you may think it’s weird that I share my inner thoughts, I really don’t care, it’s me just being real with where I’m at.

Why not share the inner self of the bright and the dark times, I know that this is me and I’m giving others hope that you can get through the dark times, that you are not alone, that we all have times when life is hard, to not be hard on yourself, that we need to show the truth to our kiddies that life isn’t just simple that it’s hard at times, you are the only one can make a change, the sky which has been covered in gloom lately is becoming blue, that being kind to others can be such a rewarding experience.

I think of my Dad and Marilyn a lot, there are constant reminders of them, ladybug 🐞 for Marilyn anything with wings for Dad, I know they are with us always, I still get teary at times, how can you not, it still isn’t easy, time does help, still …. you do see them everyday when you are out and about, little snippets of their characters in others, memories are so important it’s what we use to make our daily events more special, it can be a photo that you haven’t seen in years, little things.

So from me to you, have a Happy New Year, I will continue to write hopefully more consistently to share my life lessons of this ever continuing journey to be a good person. X

December – Mixed Bright Lights

December – Mixed Bright Lights

Where I’m at, this is what I like about my creative time, it’s my time, there is no pressure only on myself which is great, I do feel a little guilty that I haven’t had my normal weekly upload of writing, I just have been so consumed with life that everything else that isn’t a priority gets pushed to the bottom of my to do list.

I know it’s still there just hovering not really weighing me down as such, so I’m going to just update on where I’m at, I have written just little snippets of days I got to, so I’m still trying to work out how to do this.

So instead I will start from the now and update as I see it should be input from the past few weeks.

I am in a place that I never thought possible at the beginning of this year.

I am in a new job which I love, this was a personal achievement to personally step out of my comfort zone, speak my mind and be honest no matter what the outcome.

I knew for me to move past my triggers I had to leave my comfort zone putting my brain to the test by learning new procedures.

I am the only one in charge of what I choose to do, it’s about knowing your boundaries I really have concentrated on what works for me personally, not to overdo anything.

I have examples when I have been doing more yoga to feel better with my core, there is no excuse I have the mat and the DVDs ready to go, I find this is less exhausting then going for a run, I’m not getting any younger so running can absolutely leave me feeling like I have nothing left and night time is the best time to go.

Meditation is something that I try and do daily, I have an app on my phone, I find a place in my room before I walk out of a morning, as soon as I walk out I’m on duty with Leo our cat meowing flat out for food, as he is always hungry.

I am on the countdown for my Neurofeedback Sessions to finish.

These sessions for me have been life changing, I feel that it was meant to be, I’m more confident with life.

I’m staying in a frame of mind that isn’t going down the deep dark hole of loosing myself.

If I have a bad day, I’m just having this and that’s life.

I still take medication as I learnt the hard way, that if this helps me to function normally then it is what it is.

I’m okay with this, it took me a lot of time to realise this and now am not on the pathway of having to be weaned off my medication, just grateful that what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for someone else.

It’s a personal thing, you are not disappointing anyone.

I don’t even know what day it is today …. that’s when you know you are on holidays, we are in Melbourne doing the tourist thing, loving the Christmas vibe and where we are staying, the weather is crisp and fresh a huge difference from the 40+ degrees when we first arrived.

So, my first impression of city living, everyone is very friendly and happy to help you, it’s a healthy lifestyle as well, not that where I live is unhealthy, you can walk or tram it to various places.

We are heading out to family today, it’s amazing how good I feel just doing a run can put you in such a good head space, I’m not a fast runner if anything I’m just a steady pace, it helps just getting my heart rate up, there are lots of people walking, running, taking their furries for exercise, it’s courteous as well run left hand side one way overtake if need be, there are black swans with their babies, the water isn’t clean it’s murky, it still is relaxing though to have this outlook.

My memory is great, my new neuropaths are working really well. I can recall finer details of previous nights conversations I’m not in the fog where I’m stuttering with putting sentences together, my attention is precise, I hold this and take information in like I’m studying for a exam.

I was really pleased to see the outcome of something personal yesterday, it made me smile. It has been a long process.

We did the tourist thing as well, taking a tour of the MCG to make it even more worthwhile we got to see the Australian Cricket Team practice as well.

So I’m home now from our holiday, have needed normality now, I overindulged on Christmas Day with chocolate and paid for it dismally, a head ache from hell that lasted days, I didn’t help myself though and putting this to the test I probably breached gluten as well.

It’s like a reminder of why I don’t go there, I was lethargic for days, couldn’t sleep properly, pain in my head that wouldn’t go away, forced myself to do things, pretty much bed ridden.

So lesson learnt that chocolate indulgence was not worth the pain, it held on for days, I only came right yesterday on our drive home, I haven’t had anything that would take me back to that place since Boxing Day, really isn’t worth what I went through.

So my feet are tingling, it is so good to be back home into normality, I have completed my headspace to get back into routine, I already feel better that I’m getting back into these habits.

We are such creatures of habit, I realise this now, yes it was great to be away, we totally did switch off.

I could only do this for a short time, the unknown wasn’t very easy for my brain to navigate, it likes routine.

Back to routine I say.

1 December 2019

It’s amazing how one day you can feel on top of the world, then the next day you feel like crap.

That’s life !!! Plain and simple …. I write as I get the thoughts that are flowing freely in my head out to the world.

I am struggling a little today, there is always a risk of when you go and eat out that you can have just a smidgen of wheat that can throw your system out.

It is what it is, I’m cool with this, so I have a plan in place that if my head is heavy that I need to shift this, I know my yoga and meditation is a good start.

Today is the 1st December 2019, very soon my Dad would have been left us for 4 years, time is something that does make a situation of loss seem that little less hard.

I personally still at times, don’t believe he is gone, I struggle with this, it’s like our brains are wired to not comprehend this ever eventuating, yet, it will happen to each and everyone of us, we are just in denial of this fact, that it won’t happen to us, that we hope that we just keep going.

So, time makes this become real and I know now that if I do leave this world unexpectedly that I have been honest with where I’m at in helping others with depression, it doesn’t scare me at all, I just want to help others overcome the darkness that can take hold with what I have been through.

There is hope, having depression has made me become stronger and more determined to beat the inner thoughts that can strip us of our own selves. We have to be strong for others, to show them that it’s a life long commitment, that we are the only ones that are in charge of our destiny, it has to come from us we have to find what works for each of us, as we are all so different.

So, I’m a little dark at the moment, which is fine, heavy head can do this to you, fun fact !! Last night I had my work Christmas 🎄 Party which was really nice, I have been short sighted for a lot of years so I can’t see distance, I forgot my glasses to drive home so I had to wear my sunglasses, which actually wasn’t too bad, they are prescription and polarized so I was happy about this.

Anyhow, my thoughts are flowing like they normally do when I have my creative time, yoga is going to happen to get me in a better frame of mind.

Let’s just see if this works ….

It’s been so long since I got to just empty my mind of what is locked inside, I wrote the above on the 1st December, it’s now the 11 December, this year is flying before my eyes.

Where to start, well it will be coming up to 4 years since Dad left us on the 18 December, I have constant reminders of him daily anything with wings, especially the willy wag tails, their chirps it makes me smile.

For me it has been the balancing act of trying to please everyone then at times being blamed for doing something not the right way.

My head is scratchy as I write, I am twitching with frustration I feel pleased with my achievements I do, there is a constant tugging in my mind of just breathe.

I went for a run on Sunday, it was the perfect place and I love running with the water in my sight, I was shocked at how close the fires had come, it was black and red the left overs it was actually pretty in a sad way, you can see where new shoots of green grass are sprouting up through the left overs.

The fires have been devastating not only to others but to animals as well, it’s a sad feeling a hopelessness when you cannot see the blue sky or that the Sun is hot pink due to the smoke covering it.

They have come close to my family, who have been fine, we are definitely feeling the effects of nature with water restrictions happening all around us, there are constant reminders of natural disasters every day, are we becoming too greedy with life in general, personally I am looking forward to the water restrictions, I feel this will teach our children that there are rules for these conditions that this is part of life lessons to do the right thing, that we don’t just say things for the sake of it, we are trying to teach them to be good persons in life.

This at times I struggle with the why I can’t motivate others that it’s a constant battle to get help, that is this because we spoil them that they constantly have a phone or device attached to them, the addiction is real, I know this there is always a constant get off, come out of your room, The sneaky of what they are doing.

So with this in mind it’s hard to relax, that’s why I make myself do yoga and meditation as it really does work.

I have had my creative time now, I feel a lot less full with thoughts, today I am going to just take time to breathe, not worry about having to achieve everything, just enjoy time with my loved ones.

12 December 2019

Pain is something I struggle with, it can put my mind into overdrive I go into the what have I done to cause this, was it something I ate, did I not hydrate enough, have I worried myself into this state of pain, the list goes on.

You can sit and wallow doing the poor me, or you just have to move, just small steps will overcome this.

So today instead of fighting with, be strong get yourself out, I took some pain medication to help me.

Time is the only thing that can help you to overcome, just trying to distract yourself your mind that it’s all in your head.

It hits me hard this one, I woke at immediately knew my right side was throbbing, I’m okay, I haven’t had one of these for weeks, could be payback for too many late nights.

So, little steps today, just keep moving, hopefully this will shift as I’m struggling with function.

Still bright, wanting others to be bright

Three things today I have done to overcome stress.

First meditation, then yoga, then a run !! I was determined to beat my mind, there is still a dull ache, nothing in comparison to when I first woke up.

The mind is such a powerful part of us, we have to find what works for each of us, no one person is the same.

So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I put practices into place.

I know my head ache is from tension, so it takes effort for the brain to be working on the holding tension, so then this puts stress into the brain causing it to try and fix everything.

I’m determined though, more then ever.

I have come so far with where I’m at, a little bit of pain is minimal in the comparison to where I have been.

I read one of my posts when I first started Neurofeedback, it’s been life changes, getting outside my comfort zones and just at times hard !!

Determined for others, for me to prove to myself that I can beat this, well I had to, my children can’t see me throwing in the towel, then they will feel like doing the same if things get too tough.

So life goes on, some days are easier then others, you have to make choices that put you on your right paths, things don’t come to you, you have to go out, do the hard work to find what is the right fit for you.

So that was Saturday …. I ended up having to have some iproben as I started getting nauseous, with breakfast and this head ache slowly disappeared, it was tension I know this as I still had the shoulder issue, which was fine.

Sometimes you just can’t do anymore then to take something, it’s not a sign of weakness, you just need a little help with feeling better.

So once the pain subsided I was able to get things done.

I felt lighter within myself as well, for exercising and meditating, there are days that you feel heavy, today I felt lighter and confident, enjoyed being outside in the public, it really makes a difference your mindset, it can change what you think is going to be a struggle less, things are achievable and we learn so much from each other.

The more I open up about the heart ache I have with struggles that are happening, not with me, I learn of choices, options, it breaks our heart at times, we only want life to be easier, it’s cruel the journey for some, we are determined though, always have been, always will be, no matter what, it’s what we live for, I know there are others worse off.

It’s hard not to take this personal, to blame yourself for, did I cause this, we are always on pedestals going around, do we do this, should we try that, is this going to be worth the pain it may cause, why did I do that, I thought this would turn out better, I know if you don’t try that there will always be the …. well at least we know that didn’t work, it pulls on your heart strings, you feel a failure for trying, it can really put you off going down the path of let’s try this, as it can take so long to get back to the place where they started from.

My lesson that I have learnt, some of us just need that tablet or medication to be balanced, that it’s not a bad thing, if you are still dealing with the real issue, not just covering up hoping it will go away then your being proactive.

No one is going to give you a medal for being medication free, it’s not the end goal, the end goal is to be in a place that you are happy within yourself, content with where your at, feeling loved, enjoying life, not feeling pressured to be the best at everything, just being in the moment and enjoying the little things in life.

I’m bright, helping others to feel the light.

It has taken me a while to work this out, I have a time where I just switch off to everything, it’s normally first thing in the morning on a Sunday as I am alone while other is out.

I’m calling it my creative time as my thoughts just rush out with hurried relief, I’ve kept them locked in for a week so it feels good to just release them onto here.

So I have had another successful week, not one without challenges, which is fine as that’s what gives us determination to keep wanting to achieve.

I can’t stress how good I feel, 29th session of Neurofeedback I’m on the countdown, my brain is probably working the best it has in years and I’m so proud for where I’m at, not without determination and sometimes pain, it hasn’t been easy. I’d be lying to myself if I said different.

This does sound cheesy I know, if I can overcome depression, there is definitely hope for so many others, I’m 44 years old, I’m learning everyday that today is a new day, to enjoy the new beginnings, it’s a lifestyle change that I won’t risk doing anything different, no matter what !!

You see I still get migraines, I’m sensitive to gluten !! Just a grain can set me off, I know now what I can and can’t have, it’s just not worth the outcome, as it takes over me I try not to rush to the hard pain medication, there are times though where it is the only relief I get.

Pain isn’t nice for anyone it can make you not want it for anything, so it was okay this Wednesday as my Psychologist could see that my brain could function fine I just needed to have some tools in place.

So I downloaded the headspace app, started meditating, just basic breathing, calming.

Next morning I still had some pain, nothing severe just a dull ache, I was determined, I got out my yoga mat and did my yoga, normally I just go through the motions not really concentrating too much on the breathing, this time it was all about the breathing, I felt great afterwards my mind was fresh, there was no pain, this just confirms to me how powerful the mind is that me just doing yoga, decluttered the mind and opened up where the tightness was being kept.

So I am really pleased and have been meditating when I need to as I have the app on my phone.

I also use my oils as a combination of being mindful of where I am holding tension as I now know that stress and gluten breach causes my migraines.

I keep repeating all of what I do so that you understand it’s not about just popping a pill to make everything better.

I am still on my medication for depression, I have reduced this as instructed by my doctor, at one stage my goal was to not be on medication, that I didn’t needn’t to be on this.

Well I was mistaken !! I saw first thing how quickly someone can go downhill from being weaned off this, this was done as instructed by a Doctor as well, it scared me that I could do this and the consequences it caused.

I felt sick, I wasn’t happy, it made me realise that we are all different, each one of us that yes medication is a bandaid as such, it also does help to keep the brains serotonin balanced.

It confirmed for me that some of us need this more then others, that without this, we don’t function as we should.

Life lessons to the extreme I guess, which isn’t good for anyone, we are still working on this each day, I am happy now to not have the dream of being medication free, I have realised that some of us just need this, which is okay.

As long as we are aware, keep being proactive about where we are, then everything will keep being okay.

So I have had new beginnings for my work life and I am loving this. Not without frustration, hard work, learning again, feeling stupid at times, I am happier, I’m at a place where I set myself goals, just little achievable ones, so don’t expect things to happen, you have to go out of your comfort zones to get them.

Another thing that I can’t stress enough, depression is caused by your body going into shock at anytime of life this can be for example mine, having Molly I had a emergency caesarean so at the time my body needed more brain liquids to get me through the trauma, after this I didn’t have enough in my brain to cope with normal life from this.

It took a long time to realise this, I didn’t really notice I was different, my loved one did, I tried to fight off the craziness with exercise for a while to get those naturally endorphins, it didn’t work it wasn’t enough, I went downhill very quickly I was lucky that I got help and was given medication that instance, I still remember the stigma back then about, me not coping, it took me back to being at School that feeling of not being good enough to be in the right crowd.

I remember coming home, expressing this then realising I didn’t need to be in that place anymore, from that day I found others that were real and good for me.

Thinking back now, it was probably my own mind playing tricks on me, that paranoia, just so powerful.

So, the moral of this is …. depression can happen to anyone, it’s not something that you go out searching for.

I still remember one time telling someone openly I had this, the response was…. but your so nice !!! Like it was a bad thing that it changed me, that’s why I keep sharing my inner thoughts and belief as it can happen to anyone, if your body goes into shock !!! it just needs help to keep balanced, we can’t ignore the signs as it can downward spiral very quickly.

Look out for the signs, always ask this, tell them they are not alone, just be honest, speak the truth, just be real. X

For others that are struggling to be Bright

Sunday 10 November 2019

I’m feeling Bright maybe some others are not …. and this is why I write what is real, the truth that is out there.

I get these gut feelings at times about others that are close to me, it niggles me to the point that I check in to make sure they are okay, as I know there is a reason I have these feelings, I just can’t ignore them.

And my gut is always right, so this mind health, depression not only effects just me and I’m in a place where I thought was never possible, I never gave up on myself I knew that I had to show my own that we can beat this inner darkness, what hope do they have if us as there confidants leave them in despair.

It felt at times I was so alone, it wasn’t till I started to write my inner thoughts and share them that the commonness of this illness was shared upon.

I may be in the best place, which I am grateful for, I worked my but off though and there were times that I could of easily crossed that line of is this worth it.

Guess what !! It is, I know now that if I leave this place I have given my utmost to help others, to just be real and acknowledge what this is, it’s not something to be ashamed of, even though gosh there still is stigma, it’s about being honest with yourself, I can’t take anything back over the last few years of where I have been, no one knows these feelings unless you have been there yourself and the crazy thing is it comes in so many different shapes and colours, not one person will have the same experiences as we are all so different.

Please speak up and ask anyone that you can see is struggling to let them know they are not alone, yes we are talking more which is awesome and I’m pleased, just knowing you are not alone can be a huge brick off your shoulder, I know this.

So Me, I’ve just come back from my Sunday run I’m no runner far from it, my Rosie girl loves me for it and she cries now until I take her, I’m still going to keep sharing my inner thoughts I know I’m helping others even if it’s not acknowledged and I’m okay with this, we have to keep being real about where we are at, I’m standing here breeze nice and cool listening to AFI blasting in my head reminiscing where I have been and where I am, music is something that I can escape to, let my emotions just slip out and explode onto my finger tips, the relief I get from this is lightning the heaviness, it’s amazing the feels I get, it’s like my time, and this is the now and let’s not give up on what is important to us, our loved ones, life ….

From Brighter to Brightest

28 October 2019

I’m feeling pretty good with myself, I’m really happy with where I’m at, I never thought just being closer to home would make such a difference, it has in ways that takes the pressure off myself.

So on a lighter note my head space has been not as deep and dark, if anything the complete opposite.

Does this mean there is an end to my writing, do I no longer need to share my thoughts with where I’m at, really not sure, if anything I felt lost on the weekend, having more time can make you think more.

Wednesday 6 November 2019

Its really important I believe to still keep updating everyone where I’m at, even though I’m going really well, there are others close to me who are not.

It hurts me to see this from the outside as I feel frustrated, I can see there is a struggle to want to be part of us, it’s like they go within themselves wanting to shut everyone out. I know this as that can happen, your mind is such a powerful thing it can change you without realising, so technology seems to be the only friend which scares me as it’s not real.

On a different note, I just yawned, sneezed and hiccuped at the same time, what a weird feeling that was, if something weird will happen it’s going to be done by me.

Back to seriousness, the technology does scare me, I can see an addiction, with both more so then one.

It’s getting to the point that they carry something with them at all times the FOMO, it’s the endless issue that my husband and I argue about kids with technology, we are always setting rules it’s a constant battle I feel there is no real switch off unless they have devices out, we are all starting the no device free time, it’s all of us not just the kids, I’m hoping with a joint effort that we get back some normality into the house, that we can all sit together as a family and just do things, that it becomes effortless not a chore.

I can see the hurt it causes, it makes me cry, it makes me as a parent feel useless, that we both feel responsible.

We are working on this, we have night time covered for one just got to get the other sorted, excuses are made that can’t sleep unless they have a audio book on their device to listen to, we will look at other options as there could be more then audio book being played.

So that’s where my head is with issues, it does feel good to just offload this, I have been so consumed with my new work life, I love it, the best decision to start fresh, new beginnings everything just worked out and I feel so grateful as cheesy as this sounds. Not without hard work and effort, it was like a decision was made in my mind, I knew for me personally moving forward I had to put myself and my family first. It wasn’t easy, it took a lot of strength, yes that’s the word, to walk in and speak my worth, it felt good at the time, afterwards I wanted to hide away coming to terms with what I had done.

I guess the important thing to take from this is, I put my self worth first, it was my first step in getting out of the old and onto the new.

If you want to get better and triggers were always going to be there out of my control I had to start fresh, it hurt to get out of my comfort zone there was a tugger-war if this is going to take effort do I really want to take the plunge? There were signs though that confirmed I was on the right track and as much as I loved my work family with all my heart, this was for the best, this was for me to start the new me, show others that if you put the work in to make life better for yourself it will happen. You do have to put the effort in, it won’t come to you.

I spent hours fine tuning my skills of applying for jobs, literally hours !! I hadn’t applied for a job for nearly 15 years as I had been with the same Company since my late 20s I learnt a lot, it wasn’t smooth sailing I was determined though, we are the only ones that can change our destiny, no one else can, you really have to just keep doing what is right for yourself.

So this is where I’m at, just a quick snapshot of my current state of mind.